Sucks to Be Bob

As I sat in the booth at the Waffle House sipping my coffee and waiting on my bacon, egg, cheese and hash brown bowl I wondered why I even tried anymore. Life has been shitting on me since junior high.

I got hooked on Pauline French and thought we had a good thing going. Then Billy Neubert's parents gave him a car and suddenly Pauline was riding around in it with him.

In high school I worked had to get the best grades possible. I wanted to make my parents proud by becoming the class valedictorian then in World History Pauline slipped me a note during class and Mr. Duesbeaver saw it and for some reason it pissed him off and he showed his displeasure by giving me a B+ instead of an A. The asshole punished me for what Pauline did and that B+ caused me to miss being valedictorian by two measly points.

On the football field I quarterbacked the Braves to their first divisional title and the future was looking good. The next year we had a new coach and his nephew was suddenly the new quarterback and I was sitting on the bench as backup. At least I had the bitter sweet pleasure of seeing him lead the team to a losing season. I didn't even get to play one down during the season. Go ahead and call me a sore loser, but the next year, my senior year, I didn't go out for football and I never even went to a game as a spectator as the coaches nephew lead the Braves to another losing season.

Senior prom was another disaster for me. Pauline French (yes, she had worked her way back into my life) was my date. Things were great until the last hour. Pauline felt great in my arms and I had the world by the ass. Until I had to use the bathroom. I came back to find Pauline out on the dance floor with Harry Short. I wasn't the least bit happy about that. She knew full well I didn't care for Short and she knew why I felt that way. Harry was the football coaches' nephew. The tune ended, but the two stayed out for the next tune. When they stayed out for the third tune I said "Fuck this" and left.

Pauline called the next day and I hung up on her the same I did on her next four calls. She finally caught up with me in the school cafeteria and demanded to know why I had walked off and left her at the prom.

"You've got it wrong" I told her. "You were the one who left me when you went out onto the dance floor with that idiot Short and when you stayed out there with him for three dances you, in effect, said goodbye to me. Now leave so I can eat my lunch in peace."

She gave me a nasty look and walked away and stayed clear of me for the rest of the term.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Next up on the hit parade was Nancy Wilde. We hooked up during my freshman year in college. I thought we had something good going until the day she lied to me. She broke a date with me because her sister was sick and needed her help.

With no date for the evening I decided to go over to Tony's place. He ways had a party going on. When I got there I found Nancy dancing with her sister. Her sister had a beard and didn't look sick to me. But then how would I know. I'm not a doctor. I turned and left before she saw me. I found out later that she was telling some of our friends that she couldn't understand why I had become so cold and distant where she was concerned. I never told her what I'd found out. I just never talked to her again. Every time I saw her approaching I found some way to avoid her. End of term she went home to Utah and never came back to school.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In my sophomore year I met Carol Meis. We had a class together and the professor broke the class into groups of four and assigned a project to each group. My group was two guys and Carol.

The day after we turned our report in I was sitting at a table in the school cafeteria eating lunch when Carol came in, saw me and asked if she could join me for lunch. I of course said yes and when she had taken her seat she asked me:

"Why haven't you ever asked me for a date? I've noticed the way you look at me during all of our project meetings and it was obvious that you liked what you were seeing."

I did. Carol was an extremely attractive girl, but it was that very fact that kept me from making a move. So I told her the truth as I saw it.

"I didn't ask you because I figured it would be a waste of my time. As attractive as you are I assumed you would already be spoken for."

"Thank you for the compliment, but even though there were a few in line none of them interested me."

"But I do?"

"Honey I know what I've got and I've seen the way you look at me yet you haven't even tried to act on it so yes, that makes you interesting."

"Where would you like to go and what would you like to do on our first date?"

That was the beginning of a month long relationship. It ended one night when I tried for third base and was shut down in the coldest way possible.

"Stop that! Marvin wouldn't like it if you did that."

"Marvin?"

"My boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend? I thought I was your boyfriend."

"Not hardly. I'm only dating your to make Marvin jealous. He was starting to take me for granted so I needed to pull him up short."

That ended the relationship. She got pissed at me. Can you believe it? She got pissed at me because I took her home and didn't call her any more. She caught me in the school cafeteria a week later, sat down at my table and said:

"What's wrong with you? You're a fun date and we were having fun. There's no need to stop."

I looked at her and shook my head in disbelief and not even knowing who Marvin was I said:

"I'm afraid that Marvin might hurt me" and I got up and left her sitting there.

I did met Marvin about a month later. I was at a party and I saw Carol and some guy come in. I did my best to avoid her and was successful, but every time I happened to look her way she was looking at me with a nasty look on her face. Maybe an hour after Carol go there her date came up to me and said:

"I don't know who the fuck you are, but your being here is upsetting my girl so you need to leave and I mean right now."

"You wouldn't happen to be Marvin would you?"

"Yeah; so?"

"So fuck off Marv. If my being here is upsetting Carol take her and leave."

"You don't understand asshole; you leave under your own steam or I'll throw your ass out."

"Don't think you can Marv."

"Oh yeah" he said as he poked my chest with a finger. That was him attacking me, right? I punched him in the nose and apparently broke it. Both of his hands went to his face and I buried my fist in his stomach. When he bent forward I drove a fist into the side of his face and he went to the floor. I saw Carol watching and said:

"You need to get over here Carol; he needs you to kiss things and make them better."

I decided to leave before I was asked to leave for creating a disturbance.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In my junior year I met Holly. I'd just left class and was on my way to my car when some yelling got my attention. I saw a girl and a guy two rows over and he was pushing and shoving her and her arms were flailing trying to push his hands away. None of my business, but I was brought up to respect and not abuse women. I walked up to the pair and told the guy to back off. He told me to butt out and that it wasn't any of my business.

"I'm making it my business. You want to talk to her go ahead, but keep your hands to yourself."

"Leave asshole; before I have to hurt you."

"Don't think so. I don't think any guy who has to abuse women to make himself feel like a man has got game enough to make me worry."

He swung on me and I blocked the swing, punched him hard in the gut and when he doubled over I grabbed his shirt and ran him headfirst into a parked car. He crumpled to the ground and she surprised me by running to him to see if he was okay and then turned to me and said:

"You didn't have to hurt him."

I just shook my head and headed for my car.

Two days later I was coming out of class and I found the girl waiting for me. She introduced herself and asked if she could buy me a cup of coffee or a soft drink at the Student Union. I had nothing better to do so I said yes. Once seated I asked if her boyfriend was okay.

"He isn't my boyfriend; he's my brother."

"Your brother beats on you?"

"He wasn't beating on me. He wanted money to buy drugs and I wouldn't give it to him so he was trying to grab my purse."

I didn't say anything to that, but I did wonder why a good looking girl like her had come looking for me. Almost as if she had read my mind she said:

"I've never had a knight in shining armor come to my rescue before and I thought the least I could do was buy him a cup of coffee and thank him."

"Me? A knight in shining armor? Hardly. Just a guy who doesn't like to see girls abused."

We talked and got to know each other and I asked for a date and she said yes. I received a nice kiss at the end of the date and by the fifth date we were making out hot and heavy and by the end of the seventh it looked like I was going to score on the eighth.

We had a date set for Saturday and I made sure I had condoms. When I rang her doorbell she came to the door in a bathrobe. I was expecting her to be ready to go. Then she hit me with:

"Sorry, but I can't see you anymore. My fianc� just got home from Afghanistan."

A male voice called out "Who is it babe?"

"Just someone handing out flyers."

"Sorry" she mouthed and closed the door on me.

I had a silent debate with myself over ringing the doorbell again and again until the guy answered and then tell him what had been going on between me and Holly and that she had intended to make love to me at the end of that nights date. In the end I decided not to be an asshole about it and I left.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Senior year I was halfway into the first term and was sitting at a table in the student cafeteria when someone sat down at the table with me. I looked up from the notes I was reviewing and saw Pauline French sitting there,

"Hi Bobby; miss me?"

"I thought you went back east for school."

"I did, but family problems brought me back here. So where are we going on our date tonight?"

"We, major emphasis on the we, are not going on a date tonight or any other night."

"Why not? We always got along good together."

"Remember Billy Neubert and how quickly you dropped me when he got a car? Remember prom when you decided to spend more time with Harry Short than me? You might not remember, but I do. Not going there again."

"I'm not asking you to marry me Bobby. I'm not even asking you to go steady. Just a date with someone I know who can bring me up to speed on the changes since I've been gone and maybe have a good time doing it."

What the hell, I thought; I'll be going into it with my eyes wide open. I'll be ready for it when it happens.

We dated for the next two months and our make out sessions got hotter and hotter. I was going to make my move on our Friday night date and with a tube of KY in my right coat pocket and several condoms in my left I rang the doorbell. Mrs. French answered.

"Hello Bobby" she said in a tone that screamed out "What are you doing here?"

"Hi Mrs. French. I'm here to pick Pauline up for our date."

"You had a date? She must have forgotten or somehow got her wires crossed. She left about an hour ago to meet someone."

"Someone? Boy or girl?"

"I really don't know Bobby, but I'll let her know you were here when she gets home."

"Don't bother" I said as I turned and walked away. Was I pissed? You know I was, but I had only myself to blame. I knew going into the relationship it was likely to happen. After that night I saw her around, but every time she headed for me I managed to avoid her.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Graduation came and I went to work at ZYX. It was a good job and I liked it there and it seemed that they liked me. I could see that I had a future there.

I dated off and on, but spent most of my time concentrating on my job. That is I did until I met Corliss Bigsby.

I was at a party at Tony's (yes, the same Tony's where I found Nancy Wilde dancing with her 'sister') and just happened to be looking at the front door when an absolute vision walked in. Tall, maybe 5'9" with long blond hair that fell to her waist in curly waves and a body to kill for. She came in alone, but she might be meeting someone. If she wasn't it was a sure bet she would be hit on and I decided that I would be first in line. She wasn't three steps inside the door before I walked up to her and said:

"Now I know why I'm here."

"What?"

"I was afraid I'd wasted a trip. I hadn't intended to be here tonight, but something told me I needed to be here and now I know why. It is obvious that the fates wanted me to be here so I'd met you."

"You Irish?"

"No. Why?"

"Because that is the biggest load of blarney I've ever heard."

"You would laugh at the fates? They might not have meant we would end up together for a lifetime, but they obviously meant we should meet. Why else when I was on my way to Buckskins would something make me do a 180 and come here?"

"You might just be on to something here. I hadn't intended to be here tonight either. I don't even know why I decided to come."

"There you have it."

That started my relationship with Cory as she preferred to be called. I received a kiss on the cheek at the end of our second date, a full blown scorcher on the third. By the fifth we were starting to make out and by the seventh we were going at it hot and heavy. It was also on the seventh that I started to let my hands wander. I was instantly shut down.

"None of that! That's stuff that only happens after marriage."

I believe I have already inferred that on the ten scale Cory was a solid sixteen. When we made out I felt like I was in heaven. She was a great cook and was everything I could have wanted in a wife so I proposed and she accepted and our mothers were turned loose to plan the wedding.

Three weeks before the wedding I was sent on a rare out of town business trip. It was supposed to be a five day trip, but I got it done in three. I flew home and I got there in time to swing by where Cory worked in time to meet her when she got off work and take her to dinner. I got there in time to see her leave with some guy. Curious, I followed them to the Quality Inn, saw the guy get a room and lead Cory into it.

Still curious I sat there and watched the room door for two and a half hours later the two came out. I followed them back to their work place and Cory got out of the car, walked over to hers, got in and drove off. I didn't bother to follow her since I knew where she as going. She was going back to her place to be there when I made my nightly check in call. I called at my regular time and we made small talk. She said she loved me and missed me and told me to hurry home. Little did she know I was already home.

The next day I was parked where I could see her work entrance just before her lunch time. She came out with the same guy she had been with the day before, but the trip to the Quality Inn only lasted an hour and then they went back to work. I was again waiting when they got off work and this time their Quality Inn time was just an hour and twenty minutes.

During my waiting and watching I was trying to reconcile the "That stuff only happens after marriage" where I was concerned with the trips to the Inn with the other guy and didn't get anywhere with it.

That night I made my usual check in call and got the usual "I love you and miss you. Please hurry home" and I think I surprised her when I said I'd been home for two days.

"Why didn't you call me?"

"You were too busy making trips to the Quality Inn and I didn't want to interfere with your fun."

There was silence on the other end and after a couple of seconds I said "Goodbye Corliss" and hung up. She really didn't like being called Corliss, but tough shit right?

I wasn't surprised when a half hour later Corliss showed up at my front door. My first inclination when I answered the doorbell and saw her standing there was to slam the door in her face. Then I thought that more than likely this would be my only chance I'd ever have to find out why so when she said "May I come in? We need to talk" I let her come inside.

She went directly to the couch and sat down. It was obvious to me that she expected me to sit down beside her where she could take my hand and hold it, but I chose to sit in the recliner across from her. I sat here and just looked at her and waited for her to speak. While I sat and waited I came to understand what was meant by "The silence was deafening."

Finally she said "I'm sorry, but I need you to understand that I do love you deeply and want to be your wife."

"You will have to forgive me if I can't bring myself to believe you. I've tried hard to reconcile your trips to the Quality Inn with who I'm guessing is a co-worker with your absolute refusal to doing anything sexual with me until after we are married and I just can't do it."

"That�s why we need to talk. I need you to understand that what I did has nothing to do with us. It was something I had to do for me. I know that once you place the wedding ring on my finger and I say "I do" I will be yours and yours only for the rest of my life. You also need to understand that I fully expected that you would be the one to take my virginity. But the girls in the office I work with convinced me that I needed to experience what Warren had before I got married."

"Experience what Warren had?"

"Warren was, according to the other girls, extremely well endowed and I owed it to myself to experience his ten and a half inches before saying "I do" and forsaking all others."

"I take it from all the visits to the Quality Inn I observed that you did indeed like what Warren had to offer."

"Please don't be like that Bobby. Yes I liked it and I'm sorry that I didn't give into you all those many months ago, but that is behind us now."

"No it isn't behind us now Corliss. What you did killed us. There is no going forward. You sampling what Warren had to offer ruined any chance we had of a future together. And it isn't for the reason you are thinking. Yes, I am upset that you gave yourself to another man while holding me off and while there might have been a chance, a very slim one, but still a chance, what you just dumped on me killed that slim chance. Now please leave."

"I don't understand."

"It is simple Corliss" and she interrupted me saying "Please don't call me Corliss; you know I don't like it."

"As I was saying Corliss (and I emphasized the Corliss) there was a slim chance I could have gotten by what you did because I do love you, probably always will, but your description of Warren is what killed us. I'm average at six and a half inches and after taking Warren's ten and a half you will never be satisfied sexually with what I have and I will not set myself up for a lifetime of disappointed looks in your eyes.

"Please do not waste your time telling me we can get past it because I'll never believe it. I'll always believe you are thinking of him while you are with me. The sad thing about this is that you may never think that way, but I will never believe it and as I've just said I will not set myself up for it. Now please leave."

"But�"

"I do not want to hear it Corliss! Leave!"

The tears were running down her cheeks as she left, but at least she was out the door before mine started to fall.

I finished the last of my waffle, dropped a twenty on the table to cover my bill and a tip and as I left the building I decided to try and put my personal life behind me and bury myself in my job.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One day, about three months after Corliss left, I was sitting in the breakroom when Dick Moore came in, got a cup of coffee and sat down with me. I'd known Dick for eighteen years give or take a couple. We lived in the same neighborhood. He was two years older than me, but despite the age difference we had become good friends. It was Dick who talked me into applying for work at ZYX. When he sat down he looked at me and asked: