Sucks to Be Bob

"Why so glum chum?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"It is to me. You forget that I've know you damned near forever and I've seen most of your ups and downs."

I bemoaned the fact that I was still a virgin and that given my luck with the opposite sex I'd probably stay one until I died. He laughed and said I was going about it all wrong. I asked him what he meant by that.

"You meet a girl you like and ask her out. After a half dozen dates you start to make out and the sessions get hotter and hotter and then after a dozen dates you get shut down. A reasonable description of how it has gone for you?"

"Pretty much."

"So let us say that all of the dates were dinner and a show. That means you have invested about $450 and have received zilch as far as what you were hoping for. Am I right?"

"I guess."

"More than likely some of those dates would have been dinner, drinks and dancing so that would push the total closer to $600."

"Probably, but what are you getting at?"

"Do what I do. And this is assuming that you just want to get laid and are not necessarily looking for the love of your life. Call Monarch Escorts and ask for Bev, Mindy or Sarah. There are several other escorts available, but I know for sure that those three offer extra services."

"Extra services?"

"When you hire an escort all you are paying for is arm candy. The agency collects an hourly fee for the time you need her. Let me give you an example. I hate to go to company events stag, but I have no girlfriend so I call Monarch and arrange to hire - let's say Mindy - as my date for the evening. I tell the agency I will need her for four hours. They will charge me the going rate which is $60 an hour.

"During the date I will tell Mindy I want to avail myself of her extra services. In Mindy's case extra services for a bout of straight sex is $100 for an hour. A blow job is $50 and anal is $200. All night is $500 and includes the BJ and anal and there is no limit as to how many times you can go. So a four hour date with straight sex at the end only costs me $340.

"And in Mindy's case, once you become a regular customer and she gets to know you and of course likes you, she may give you her phone number and you can eliminate calling the agency. It will still cost you, but it will cost you less. Of the $60 the agency charges you they keep forty percent and Mindy gets sixty percent so you will only be paying $144 for a four hour date plus the extras.

"Bev and Sarah have different rates, but they are not that far out of line from Mindy's. What I will do is call Monarch and vouch for you and you go into their office and look at their catalog and select the girl you would like. I say ask for Bev, Sarah or Mindy because I know they offer extra services. Some of the others might also, but I stick with the ones I'm sure of. Not all of the women offer extras so if you look at the girls in the catalog and see one that really appeals to you just be aware that she may not be one of the girls who offers extras."

That gave me something to think about. The company was holding a mixer on Wednesday for our customers and suppliers and I was expected to be there. While it wasn't a requirement that I have a date it wouldn't hurt to have someone on my arm.

The next day I caught Dick in the breakroom and told him I was going to call Monarch and he told me as soon as he got back to his desk he would call Monarch and vouch for me. Around three I called Monarch and said I'll like to use their services. We arranged for me to visit their offices and review their catalog.

When I got there I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork and was told that there was normally a three day waiting period while they ran a credit check and a background check before I could use one of their girls, but since Dick had vouched for me they would still run the checks, but they wouldn't enforce the waiting period.

They told me their rates � sixty dollars an hour with a two hour minimum � and then I was shown a catalog of the escorts they employed. There were photos and a short biography of each of the seventeen girls. I was looking for Mindy, Bev and Sarah and I found all three and all three were beautiful, but I also found a picture and a short bio of someone I knew.

I think my heart must have skipped a beat or two when I saw the photo of Pauline French. I was tempted to ask for her, but dropped that idea. My goal was to lose my virginity and according to Dick the names he gave me were supposed to be sure things so I quickly dropped any thought of Pauline.

I chose Mindy, but was informed she was already booked for that day. Bev got the same response so I picked Sarah. The mixer was supposed to be from five to eight, but I was expected to be there when it started so I had to book Sarah from four to nine. The rules were you had to pick up your date at the agency and bring her back to the agency at the end of the date.

Her photo did not do her justice. She was drop dead gorgeous in her little black dress and heels. We were introduced and I filled her in on what she would be getting into and she asked me how I wanted to play it.

"Play it?"

"Yes. Girlfriend, cousin in from out of town. Someone you met at a party and are getting to know?"

"How about the last one since it is pretty close to the truth. We have just met and I'm getting to know you."

Story turned out not to matter. First couple we saw when we walked in the door was Dick and Mindy and on the other side of the room was Pauline French on the arm of one of our customers. As soon as Dick saw us he grabbed us and ushered us to the table where he and Mindy were sitting.

When I wasn't mingling with Sarah on my arm I was sitting at the table with Dick, Mindy and Sarah listening to them talking and feeling like the odd man out. I did dance with Sarah several times and after one of them she asked me why I seemed down and I told her.

"I know you know Dick and Mindy. It was Dick who told me to call Monarch and ask for you. When the three of you get to talking I feel like I'm not even there."

"We can't have that. I'm sorry, but I honestly didn't notice. It won't happen anymore."

And it didn't. Sarah made sure I was included. Then the evening got strange. We were talking and laughing when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and found Pauline standing there.

"Dance with me Bobby?"

It caught me by surprise, but I remembered my manners.

"You need to ask my date if she minds."

She turned to Sarah and said "You won't mind, will you Sarah?"

"Of course not Paulie; just make sure you bring him back."

I moved out onto the floor with Pauline and took her in my arms for the waltz. As soon as we started moving she asked:

"Why are you here with Sarah instead of me?"

"Excuse me?"

"Not that hard of a question. You had to have looked at the catalog and seen my picture so why did you choose Sarah instead of me?"

No way was I going to tell her the real reason so I went with our past history

"Why would I have picked you? If you would care to remember you walked away from me three times. I guess the old phrase "Three strikes and you're out" sums it up."

"Not fair Bobby. You never let me ex�"

"Can it Pauline. I didn't come here tonight to suffer through some bullshit. This is a work function for me and I need to be in a good mood while I'm here and discussing our past would put me in a downer. I don't need that."

Just then the music ended and I started to lead her off the floor and she said "I still have the same phone number Bobby. Call me. Please?"

I made no reply as we parted.

I could tell that Sarah, assuming that I knew Pauline as a customer of Monarch, was curious as to why I had chosen her instead of Pauline. I could have been something as simple as Pauline already booked for the evening when I asked, but the way Pauline had approached us and asked me to dance with her when she was here with another Monarch customer had to have made her curious. Curious, but not enough to make her bring it up. Dick, who knew of my relationship with Pauline just smiled and winked at me.

Knowing how those things were I was not surprised when Sarah said she needed to use the bathroom and Mindy got up and went with her. And it didn't occur to me that something might be up when a minute later I saw Pauline going down the hall to the restrooms.

While the girls were gone Dave Collins, VP of Operations and my boss, came over to our table and introduced me to Al Cohen, one of our customers (and who just happened to be Pauline's date) and told me I would be handling Al's account from now on so he thought he should introduce us. While that was going on the girls returned and Dick, no doubt deliberately stirring the pot, invited Al to join us at ort table. When Al said he didn't want to intrude Dick said:

"Nonsense. That's what these mixers are for. For us to meet and get to know the people we deal with on a daily basis."

"If you are sure you don't mind I'll get my date and be right back."

As he left Dick was looking at me with a big shit eating grin. I was looking back at him with what I hoped was a "You are going to die!" look on my face. When Al got back with Pauline he introduced us to his date not knowing that Pauline already knew everyone at the table. He did, from the fact that Pauline had asked me to dance earlier, know that Pauline knew me. I have no idea what she might have told him when she left him to dance with me, but I assumed that he assumed that I knew Pauline because I had dated her as a customer of Monarch.

Al, Dick and I talked business which I am sure bored the three women to tears, but it was what they had signed up for � arm candy at a business function.

The band came back from their break and I asked Sarah to dance. When we got back to the table Dick said "My turn" and he and Sarah headed for the dance floor. Then Mindy said "I guess that it's musical date's time" and asked Al to Dance. That left Pauline and me at the table looking at each other.

"See Bobby? Here we are alone together. The Fates want us to be a couple. We can talk about where we go from here as we dance."

She stood up, offered me her hand, and to avoid a scene I got up, took her hand and we headed out onto the floor. Once out on the floor Pauline asked:

"So what are we going to do tomorrow night?"

"I don't understand the question."

"Oh come on Bobby; now we are back together what are we going to do?"

Since Pauline and her date were at my table now I decided not to do anything that might cast a pall over things so I just said:

"I don't know. I'll have to think about it." I decided that the easiest way out for me would be to lie so I said "I have a full schedule for the next week. I'm flying to Atlanta tomorrow. I'm supposed to be back Friday, but sometimes the negotiations don't go smoothly and I might not get back until Saturday or Sunday. Once I get back to work on Monday I'll probably spent a couple of late nights playing catch up on things that happened while I was gone so it isn't looking good for the next week or so."

The music stopped and I said "I guess I should get you back to your date. He is the one paying for your time tonight. You need to forget I'm even here and concentrate on him. I don't need him pissed off at me since he is now one of my accounts."

I took Pauline back to the table and then I asked Sarah to join me and we walked around the room talking to the customers and suppliers who were there. We danced twice more and then went back to the table. I excused myself and headed for the bathroom. I was just zipping up when Dick came in.

"Some friend you are. Why didn't you tell me about Pauline? Why did you let me find out about Pauline instead of letting me find out by going through the catalog?"

"Hey bud; don't forget our talk about Monarch was to find you a bed partner. I never mentioned Paulie because she is one of the ones who doesn't offer extra services so I didn't even think of her."

"Why in the hell did you invite Al and Pauline to join us?"

"Because I knew you wouldn't. Don't forget what this little get together is all about. Al is yours to handle now. If it hadn't been for Paulie being his date you would have asked him to join us and you know it."

"I hate to admit it, but when you're right you're right."

I spent the next hour circulating, usually with Sarah on my arm, and then it was time to go. The rule was you picked up your date at Monarch and you delivered her back to Monarch so that meant if I was going to negotiate with Sarah it had to be just before our date officially ended. It was 8:20 and I had Sarah until 9:00. I thought it would be cheesy of me to talk to her while driving back to Monarch so I told her I wanted to stop for a drink at Bud's Bar before ending our date.

Over a sloe gin fizz for her and a Jack over ice for me I went right at it.

"You are a lovely lady Sarah and I have enjoyed the evening so far. I'll be up front about this. The reason I selected you from the girls available is because Dick told me you were one of the girls that offered extra services. I would like to avail myself of those extra services."

"Dick did call me and vouch for you and at the beginning I expected we would be having this talk. And to be honest I was looking forward to it. But that was at the start of the evening, but unfortunately something came up and because of it I can't help you.

"What? I have bad breath or body odor?"

"No. It is a little more personal than that."

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you."

"You have to tell me. How can I correct the problem if I don't know what the problem is?"

"There is nothing wrong with you Bob. Not a thing. It is strictly personal matter on my end. Honest; there is nothing wrong with you."

I looked at her, chugged my drink, stood up and said "Let's go."

There wasn't a word spoken between us from the time I stood up at the table until I got her back to Monarch. I was pissed, but I wasn't an ass about it. I did get out of the car, walk around and get her door. I did walk her to the building and wait until she unlocked the door. She turned and said "Goodnight Bob" and I walked away without saying a word.

The next day at work Dick walked into my office with a big smile on his face.

"How did it go? Was it as good as you hoped?"

"It sucked."

The smile left his disappeared and he asked what went wrong and then I told him how the night had gone.

"And all she would tell you was that it was personal?"

"That's all."

Before we could go any further my phone rang and it was Dave Collins, my boss, wanting me to come to his office. I was hoping for some good news. The regional manager's spot had opened up and I'd been led to believe I would get the position. I'd worked hard for it and I was hoping that is what he wanted to talk about. It was.

I went back to my office and was sitting at my desk trying to decide what I wanted to do when Dick came back into the office.

"I called Mindy and asked her if she had any clue as to what Sarah's problem was. You aren't going to be happy about this. Pauline followed Sarah into the bathroom and asked her for a favor. She asked Sarah not to do anything with you. She told Sarah she intended to marry you and would appreciate it if Sarah would leave you alone."

"Fuck me! The hits just keep coming."

"What do you mean?"

"The reason Dave called me to his office? To let me know I wasn't going to get the promotion to Harrelson's spot not that he's gone. They are giving the spot to Myer's (the owner of the company) nephew. That�s the second time I've been fucked over in favor of a nephew."

"What are you going to do?"

"What can I do? I'll just have to suck it up and soldier on. My hope is that the nephew is a fuck up, they'll notice and move him out. If I hang in there and do a good job I may get another shot at it. That�s long term. Short term is I'm going to stop at Bud's Bar after work and get shit faced."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I did stop at the bar fully intending to get drunk on my ass while drowning my sorrows. I was just finishing my first drink when company arrived. Dick, Mindy and Pauline walked in, came over to the bar stool I was sitting on and said:

"Let's get a table."

I really wanted to be alone, but I got up and followed the three of them to a table. Dick ordered a round and the said:

"I guess you are wondering why we are here."

"Ya think?"

"I called Mindy, told her about your day. How you reacted with what went down with Sarah and how right after that you got dumped on by the company. When I told her you intended to get drunk we decided that getting shit faced would not be in your best interest. So Mindy called Pauline and here we are."

I sat there and looked from one to another and Dick must have read the expression on my face.

"What are you thinking Bob?"

"I don't understand."

"Don't understand what?"

"Any of it. You calling Mindy. Mindy calling Pauline. The three of you here. Why would Mindy care about someone she doesn't even know? Why would you call Mindy to begin with? I just don't understand any of it. And all because I decided to get drunk? Granted I don't get drunk all that often, but I've done it without anything dire coming out of it. Not counting the way I feel the next day."

"I called Mindy to get Pauline's number. Instead of giving it to me she called Pauline. Pauline called me and asked me to fill her in. I told her what I knew and she decided she needed to come to you. Given some of the things that have happened in the past she decided it would be best if she had someone with her. She asked Mindy to come with her. Mindy felt that if it was just Pauline and her you might feel you were getting ganged up on by a couple of females so Mindy called me to join the party and here we are."

"Just because I said I was going to get drunk? Like I said, it ain't nothing new."

Then Dick said "Okay, we are all adults here so I'll lay it all out on the table. This drunk you are planning on is not just a normal get out and have a good time drunk. And when people get drunk in a pissed off mood they do stupid shit. You do things that get you in trouble. If it was just me you would rant and rave and ignore me when I tried to calm you down.

"I know you and I know you still have a thing for Pauline. I see it on your face every time someone mention her name around you. And I know Pauline has always had a thing for you. I figure that what you need right now is someone who cares for you. I'll feed the juke box and we can dance some, maybe have a few laughs and mellow you out."

I looked at Pauline and said "I'm told you are planning on marrying me. How do you expect that to happen? I don't have anything to do with you and you know why."

"You don't think maybe I've gotten my head out of my ass? That I've put my irresponsible ways behind me? I've always known we were soulmates and we are meant to be together. I got silly when Billy Neubert got his car, but I came back to you.

"Prom was your fault even if you won't admit it. You never gave me a chance to explain. Just because you didn't like Harry didn't mean I had to dislike him. I danced with him while you were in the bathroom and I stayed out on the floor with him while I waited and watched for you to come back to our table. But you never came back to our table. You just saw me with Harry, got pissed, left and wouldn't talk to me. So whose fault was that? Certainly not mine.

"Still you got back together with me in college. We were getting along great until we somehow got our wires crossed. I thought our date was Saturday; I even had it marked down on my calendar. Why you thought it was Friday I don't know, but again you wouldn't talk to me so we could iron things out. But the bottom line here Bobby is that something always puts us together. Face it Bobby; we are meant to be."