Tittsburg P.I. Ep. 01

"I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind." - Patrick Dennis

Author's note: The following is a light-hearted side project I finally wrapped up, (unlike many of my other stories). Inspiration came after someone called one of my other stories 'cartoon fiction'. At first I was taken aback, mostly because it was meant as a bad thing. Then I remembered how erotic certain cartoons can be. Hmmm, what if...

*****

Tilting back in my swanky office chair, cock in hand, I gazed out my office window over the sprawling city scene. Ah, Tittsburg. The small town was finally swelling into a vigorous city, bustling with life and heaving with opportunity.

It used to be easy working here as a private investigator; tracking down long-lost lovers, spying on cheating spouses, background checks on business partners and the like. Not anymore. Now everyone's fucking; and nobody cares who they get with. They're fiends, all of them!

I am too, of course, but still.

I was swiveling my chair around to get back to business, when in walked a bombshell the likes of which had never befallen my minor agency. To say she was stacked was to be off by a couple handfuls. To say she was naked was, well, pretty damn close. Piles of blonde-to-almost-white hair on her head made her candied lips look like cherries floating in swirls of white chocolate.

My jaw clunked to the floor as she sashayed her smooth and fuckable body around my desk wearing nothing but a thin, short... what, summer dress? cocktail napkin? Whatever it was, it barely served a purpose.

She held out her hand.

"Mr. Hammer?" she asked, noticing the long, hard dick already occupying my grip. She reached down and took it from me, pumping my shaft in greeting. It was only polite. "My name is Candy Lane, and I need you to find my husband. He's gone."

Her fingers around my cock blurred my vision as I stood politely and held her insufficiently covered breasts in my hands in a cordial response.

"Nice to meet you Miss Lane. You say your husband has left?" I managed to articulate while preoccupied by handfuls of doughy flesh and her sensual fondling of my equipment. "I can't believe anyone could be so daft as to go and leave a knockout like yourself, Miss Lane."

"It's not like that, Mr. Hammer," Candy oozed as her plump lips neared mine, stopping just short of devouring my soul, "he's gone missing. I've been unable to find him anywhere, for weeks." She sighed out a muggy breath of desperate heat as her lips parted oh so close to my own.

I kept her mouth from drinking me in, but she slipped my cock beneath the front of her dress where a tuft of silky pubic fur tickled my skin. I knew she needed fucking, and bad. They all did.

"Wait, what exactly do you mean 'for weeks'?" I asked her deep cleavage. She didn't reply, but instead pulled her insufficient dress over her head and dropped it to the floor, exposing a heart stopping playground of bare skin.

"I mean," she moaned, backing her naked cheeks up onto my desk where she tugged me between her legs, "one day he left to find out why our mailman stopped delivering, and that was the last I saw or heard from him."

A handful of her long fingers ran through my hair as the other hand tried in vain to guide me in. I looked down and her slit was gaping, dripping with moisture and craving a long stiff friend to work off a little steam with. Had I not seen this very thing all over town every single day of the week, it would have been shocking. Still, her pussy was so primed for action it seemed to create a vacuum in time and space from which there was no escape.

"Wait," I tried to keep on subject as her frenzied lust sucked me in, "your mailman stopped coming?"

"In more ways than one," she admitted, chewing her lower lip and giving me an idea of exactly what she meant. She started pumping my cock again with purpose, sensing I wasn't about to take the plunge.

"Have you told anyone else about this?"

"No one," she sighed, squeezing me in her delicious fingers, "and I'm not sure where to start. Will you help me Mr. Hammer?" Another firm squeeze. "Help me find my husband?" Squeeze. "And for god's sake help me scratch this bothersome itch?"

A hand grabbed my ass and pulled me in as her luscious lips found mine and swallowed me whole. The depth of her kiss was bottomless and desperate. Her voluptuous bosom pressed into my chest, and I allowed her to guide my proud peacock into her sopping nest.

"Oh, Mr. Hammer," she mewled as I pressed forward and drove my cock to the back of her wet passage, "thank you for taking... mmmm... my case."

Apparently, a little fucking was all it took to seal any kind of deal these days, so I laid out my terms with slow but commanding jabs.

"I work by the hour Miss Lane, and all... expenses... are billable," I managed as her oversexed bod urged me to lay it on thick. "And when we find your husband, an additional retainer will be due in full."

Her grunting moans agreed to my terms as I became forceful. She tried to speak, but the words came out as chirps and burbles over the slapping of skin and sloshing of fluids.

Her elbows fell back and her body stretched out before me. I watched as the most mountainous mammaries I'd ever manhandled swooped and swayed with every thrust. Her hips tipped up to offer me complete access, accepting every inch and foot of my extensive cock. Her eyes attacked mine with an urgent need as I practically screwed her off the end of my desk.

"Do I . . . need . . . ooo . . . ooo, to make, a deposit?" she finally pieced together.

"I'll be the one making the deposits, Miss Lane," I grunted as cock and cunt communed, "but you can wire the money to my account."

I climbed onto the desk and pounded that wondrous woman with all the energy of a rampant bull. Her body bucked beneath me and bounced each body bang back to me, and from there we really picked up the pace.

All at once I knew she was close; especially when she yelled, "FUCK!" and "I'm CLOSE!"

"Take my cock Miss Lane," I growled, "take my cock like I'm taking your case! Let's find your husband so you can fuck your mailman again!"

"YES!"

"I mean, let's find your mailman so you can fuck your husband again!"

"YES!"

"Let's finish this already so I can get to my desk again!"

"YES! Oh GOD . . . Mr. Hammer!"

"Call me Jack, Miss Lane."

"Oh JACK, I'm gonna cum!"

"Me too Miss Lane, me... too."

We fucked faster and louder than anyone in town, which is saying something for Tittsburg, and when the young dame getting royally railed on my desk and I finally broke each other in half, I swear we heard dogs barking in the distance.

***

Candy Lane eventually excused herself to head to the bank, and I knew her sultry withdrawal would raise another canine chorus elsewhere in town. I watched her barely covered cheeks bump and bounce against each other all the way down the hall as she went. That's when I heard a voice behind me.

"Who's this one now Jack?" I recognized the wearisome voice of my office neighbor and accountant Sally Dithers, nosing her way into another one of my many businesses.

I turned to look, and sure enough she was hardly dressed in just a pair of panties with a hand stuffed down the front. The berry red nips on her sizable breasts were swollen and ripe, and as always her short brown hair seemed to be trying to escape the top of her head.

I allowed this conversation to happen like all the others, and said, "That's Miss Candy Lane. Her husband is missing." I knew I needn't say more. Sally would assume Candy had come by to ask for my help, in more ways than one.

Sally kept massaging her snatch in front of me, but not because I was anything special. She was always down there tending to herself.

"She has a great body. Did you... "

"Of course."

"And is she... "

"Yes."

"So what's the..."

"Four seventy-five."

"I see."

I watched as her eyes sought out my long cock and brought it remarkably to life with a single, longing glance.

"Do you want to..."

"Sure."

So I followed Sally into her office, and we did.

***

The next day Candy arrived through my door with a large brimmed hat floating on her head, her giant attributes leading the way under another useless dress.

"Miss Lane," I offered immediately, "you're looking ravishable as always. Come in, come in."

"The deposit has been sent to your account Mr. Hammer," she spoke, slipping out of her dress and leaning over the front of my desk swaying her heavy assets before me. "Can you make sure it went through?"

She stared into my eyes and watched them nose their way between her heaving globes before I swallowed hard and flipped open my computer.

"Um, yes, indeed," I managed, "let me check..."

She stood straight and joined me on the window side of the desk. Her breasts settled on my shoulders as she leaned over, watching as I tried to clack my computer keys and move the cursor to the notifications screen. I was pleasantly interrupted by a breath of hot steam in my ear.

"Did you enjoy our playtime yesterday, Jack?" her words suggesting her heat hadn't abated in the slightest since then.

"It was quite... satisfactory. Ah, there it is," I said, locating the new deposit in my account for more than requested. The deal was real, and I leaned into her natural headrest and felt hands slipping down my chest. I found myself wrapped in fingers as she pumped my naked cock.

"I'm glad you're on my case, Jack," she nibbled in my ear, my mind turning to mush in her soft grip. "I can only imagine the kind of bonus you might receive if you find my husband."

Her suggestion was punctuated by a long tongue slithering into my ear, riling up my passion.

"Ah, ahem, yes. I can only fathom. But for now..." I said, uncurling her delicate digits from my manhood one by one, "we should really get started."

A little air let out of Candy's libido as she stepped back, easing herself around my desk to find a chair. She sat and draped one leg over an arm, casually fingering herself. It took all of my concentration to keep my mind from between her legs, but I started the case interview.

"Let's start at the beginning. Was your mailman showing any signs something was the matter the last time you saw him?" I asked, watching her tilt her hips into her hand.

"Peter, that was his name, always seemed to be pretty distracted and frantic," she revealed masturbatorily, "I guess he literally needed to run through town trying to avoid being molested by every housewife on his route."

I could only imagine the poor bastard's daily existence.

"But he stopped for you?" I pointed out.

"Of course he did Jack," she draped her other leg over the second arm of the chair, "look at me."

She had a point, no mere mortal could've passed her by. Her parted lips, hooded eyes, overflowing breasts and long bare legs were crafted by Aphrodite herself. I felt my cock yank me to a standing position, where I had to hold it back from leaping across the desk into her moistened honey pot. I moved around to the front side of the desk to let my cock get a better look at this treasure.

She watched my hand running up and down my length with hunger and buried her fingers between her wide wet lips.

"I see your point, Miss Lane," I agreed as I showed my appreciation of that fact with some slow pulls on my cock. "So, was there anything different the last time he stopped by to... deliver his package, shall we say?"

"Not that I remember," she said as if they were the lustiest words ever spoken, then she stopped short. "Now that I think about it, he was in kind of a hurry that day. Something about a special delivery to the Mayor's office or something."

"Interesting," I mused, "It might be nothing, but it's a place to start."

Just then the door opened and Sally barged in as usual, unusually wearing a thin summer dress.

"Jack, a big deposit was just made to your..."

She instantly noticed the mutual masturbation situation going on and stopped on a wordless dime.

"Sally Dithers, meet Miss Candy Lane," I offered, my free hand gesturing to the naked lady rubbing her pussy on one of my chairs, "she has an urgent case, and we're just getting started. Miss Lane, Sally is my accountant and makes sure I'm keeping close track of my paperwork."

"Pleasure to meet you," Candy offered politely with a hand still busy between her legs.

"Nice to, uh, meet you as well, Miss Lane," Sally mustered from within her apparent daze. For once Sally was the only person in the room wearing clothes and not touching herself, although I wasn't sure how long that was going to last.

"Please, call me Candy," my client suggested before locking eyes with me again, "but I'd like Jack here to keep calling me Miss Lane."

With those words she pushed two long fingers into her deep pocket and groaned.

"Oh god that's hot," were words I thought to myself but heard them out loud. Turns out Sally had said them.

Candy looked my accountant up and down, "Care to join us Sally?" Her unsubmerged hand patted the second client chair alongside the first. "and please, don't be so formal," she added, gesturing to the dress.

Sally looked to me and I nodded permission for my accountant to shimmy out of her dress, which of course was all she'd been wearing. Her bare nudity sprang forth and we stared at her tight, pale body. The contrast of voluptuous sexpot alongside waifish elf was extreme, but no less stimulating. Sally eased into the chair.

"Mmmm, look at your adorable breasts darling," Candy offered, pulling soaked fingers from herself and reaching over to hold a puffy Sally-nipple between her scented fingers.

"Look who's talking," Sally offered, sliding her fingers around a heavy bosom beside her. Both girls dropped their hands into their laps, and I pressed on.

"To catch you up Sally, Miss Lane and her husband noticed that Peter, their mail carrier, had stopped delivering mail to them a few weeks back. Mr. Lane left to ask around about him, but never returned. On Peter's last visit, he mentioned a special delivery to make to the Mayor's office. So, picking up where we left off Miss Lane, where exactly did Mr. Lane, uh . . . what was your husband's name again?"

"Barry," Candy replied with lustful vivacity as her fingers disappeared again and her head tipped back.

"Barry..." I continued for a single word's time.

"Wait," interrupted Sally, "Barry Lane? The movie star?" The way she said it was with almost as much lust and longing as Candy had just used. "Barry Lane, the body builder turned action star from Fatal Crush and Fist of Desire, that Barry Lane?"

Sally had hijacked the conversation and was aggressively swirling her fingers between her legs. Candy nodded an affirmative as if it wasn't even newsworthy and kept her eyes on my distracted, but not yet faltering, erection.

"You mean, we get to meet Barry Lane... in person?" Sally continued, obviously imagining the moment in her mind as her hips rose and her diddling increased.

"First of all Sally," I had to interject, "Barry Lane is missing, and this is a serious situation. Secondly, we are not meeting anyone, I am the one on the case here. Thirdly... settle the hell down!"

"It's okay," Candy shrugged, "Barry gets this all the time, believe me. You can help us find him if you want, Sally."

My eyes shot wide as I tried to contemplate a reason why Miss Dithers would have to stay behind. Sally looked to me and must have noticed the track of denial my train of thought was heading down.

"That would be so great," Sally enthused, "I know people at the Mayor's office. I could even get us a meeting with the Mayor right away!"

Now that was actually helpful, as my level of influence around local governmental offices was less than horrid. I saw the look on Sally's face as she waited for my reply. I saw the look on Candy's face, which was a combination of why not and god dammit let's fuck!

My resolve faded, and I offered my complete agreement of the new arrangement with an enthusiastic, "Shit. Whatever Dithers."

***

We worked out a plan of action, each expelling a self-induced orgasm of camaraderie before setting out down the street toward City Hall. The girls threw on their light dresses to not-at-all hide their nudity, and I donned a light detective's robe, (it's a thing...). They led the way down the street side by side as I trailed, admiring the view.

I was impressed at how easily Candy Lane wore an air of complete confidence, much more easily than she was wearing a dress. She kept pulling at it and pushing it around, more bothered by the fabric than the barrage of questions coming from Sally.

"So, what's he like? Is he as demanding as he was in Brutal Love? Is that tattoo on his chest for real? How in the world do you ever let him out of bed?"

Candy shrugged and strut her bod the way a goddess might, revealing, "He just has a way of doing me so thoroughly, I sort of pass out or something I suppose." Sally let out a jealous moan like she just watched a kitten fuck itself. "I wake up and he's gone. That's why Peter came in so handy during the day. I really miss him too."

"Well, I know Mayor Ravanus very well," Sally offered as they strode, "we should be able to get in to see her right away."

We traversed the six or seven blocks to the great lawn and the many steps of City Hall. Newly erected statues of naked men and women adorned the front walk. They were artfully done in a historic Greek style, but the men all had erections.

Sally walked up to one life size statue and ran her fingers along it's chiseled male abdomen, "These new statues are so majestic. I can't help but feel a little weak around them." Her fingers trailed down to the northward pointing phallus and jogged her fingers up and down the side of it.

Candy seemed to be anxious to keep moving however, so I grabbed Sally and gently pried her toward the stairs my client was already ascending. Her dress was hardly hiding her bare and luscious cheeks beneath, and Sally gasped a little.

"My god, look at those legs," she practically panted, unconsciously grabbing her own breast. "No wonder she's married to Barry Lane, Jesus..."

"Get a hold of yourself Sally," I said, trying to snap her out her mounting arousal, which we both new could eventually burst into an uncontrollable frenzy of carnal lust. "What's your plan in here? I'm not exactly welcome you know."

"Don't worry Jack," she soothed, coming back to the situation at hand, for the moment at least, "Vivian owes me a favor or two. She'll help if she can."

That hardly settled my nerves, as officially I wasn't allowed anywhere near her Royal Highness and her blessed hall of "laws" and "rules". Our last interaction was sour at best.

Candy stood atop the great steps and waited for us to catch up. The large doors were impressive, and only seemed to dry my mouth as we approached. They parted automatically and we sauntered in. The cool air inside was refreshing, and apparently a little chilly to the lightly covered chests to either side of me.

We approached the main desk and behind it sat a young woman, fresh faced and a little out of her element.

"Hello," she greeted us as if rehearsing a line from a play, "welcome to Tittsburg City Hall. Can I help you with anything?" Her eyes bounced around all of ours like on a trampoline.

"Hi there," Sally jumped in with enthusiasm, "where's Billy?" She looked around the lobby and then leaned over the counter to look behind it, as if he might be busy down there or something. It was a valid hypothesis.