All Comments on 'The Architect'

Good effort. A bit wordy, could have been shorter

I liked the story and the way you told it. This is not an original plot so I gave it 4 stars. Like most of these I am left wanting to know what happens to all the actors and the outcome of the relationships. And that feeling is why I gave it 4 stars.

Thanks for effort and I hope to see more.

I'm thinking that she's definitely looking forward to it, regardless of what shs says regarding other women. My guess is that she'll be safe at home long before the other women even make it halfway to first base.

Momma should have kept her legs crossed. Oh well, I'm sure her daughter will be a lot better at it than she was.

Yeah, I liked it. Us needs some editing and a change up, some of the spoken lines were somewhat trite. Overall tho, it was an entertaining tale

Scores 4/5

Very little editing needed.

It wasn't terribly written. There are some redundancies. You should remove the comment on the first page concerning "the reader" it moved along though and didn't get stuck on useless filler. An editor would have helped certainly but we have all seen a lot worse.

Hi Blackheart. When you let an emotional response rule what is dictated re "break-ups) it seldom goes well. Firstly, letting their daughter face her mother is just a cowards way out. She is in no position to impose anything on her mother.

The almost entire rant about who will get what etc is so way off the mark legally that you should steer well clear. Going by the data the daughter is now 21. The brother 19 or possibly 18. Meaning BOTH are adults and NOT underage. All that rubbish about the mother getting kicked out of her JOINTLY OWNED matrimonial home is just ranting. Yes, there are huge legal issues. Remember, the wife owns 50% of the husbands business plus 50% of the family home! So stay away from 3rd parties making bold statements.

Keep up the work. The more you practice the better you get. Cheers.

Your score is boosted by the “five star all btb and one star every else crowd.” This is a 3-star story at best because of writing. Serious structure and inconsistent errors and it lacks a lot of emotion for the material. Your ideas had promise, but keep writing to improve the rest - and find an editor to give feedback.

I liked the story development and they way you handled the ending. There was one area where the story was repeating itself, but it did not detract from my overall enjoyment of your story. I will be looking forward to your next installment.

Pretty well written considering no editor but everything is pretty cliche and the dialogue came off wooden.

It was good until the ending. The daughter was far too 'clinical' in her handling of her mother, not nearly the emotion was showed to make it realistic. Plus the ending seemed rather abrupt, it needed something more.

Excellent story,

Loved it!

I saw little need for an editor, you did a great job. I have seen 'edited' stories that were not as good.

My criticisms are it felt rushed to me. Not a whole lot of Character development. I felt it needed some first person from Joan. Some remorse, guilt...something. But she said I love my husband to death and then fucks the asshole. Doesn’t quite fit. Theme was an old one, used a number of times on this site but that’s ok. I still enjoy them. As a writer, it’s hard to come up with material that hasn’t been used already but we keep on trying, don’t we.

Why,, let the daughter do the dirty work, not man enough? Good for no editor but needs more thought from the abused husband.....

Get a good editor. Any time you need to put up a cast of characters, I know it's going to be bad.

She is a self admitting cheating whore. No more to say.

Too stilted.

This made a good outline for a story with lots of information that gave a good understanding of the background and foundation for the story.

There was very little in the way of character depth or growth.

There was no real attachment to the characters.

None were overly sympathetic though the wife was portrayed as an almost pure villain.

I'm left feeling obvious disgust for the slut but nowhere near enough for anyone else.

More character depth and storytelling were needed to flesh out the information given.

It was ok. Not bad on self editng but the story didn't seem to go anywhere. Man finds wife is a cheater from the other offended spouse and that's it

I enjoyed your story very much. As others have commented, it did move a little quickly without much character development. I would have liked to see him confront his wife, but having her daughter choose her stepfather over her bio mother was a good touch. I'm not smart enough to pick out anything but the most glaring editorial midtakes, and I was too into the story to notice any of those. There are plenty of readers who will point out your mistakes though. I think you did a great job.

The seemingly 20 year old daughter knew nothing about the affair and she walks in on her adoptive dad sleeping while the unplugged laptop is streaming a live feed. The unplugged laptop somehow manages to stay on until morning. The daughter instead of creeping out on her adoptive being into live porn decides to be curious enough to check the porn out to discover it is her mother.

Then, she confronts her mother on her adoptive dad's behalf and while in conversation throws out very long paragraphs of what she did for her DADDY the entire day. Somehow, it is very important for her to let her cheating biological mom to know she was specifically preparing Virgin Mary and then breakfast and coffee for him to help with his hangover.

Effing ridiculous.

Do u love in a fantasy sweet candy la la land where you ride on a moralistic high to delude yourself into believing you are some kind of supreme overlord for letting to assign genders their roles in life?

Cheating is thing and "MAYBE" she could have salvaged her mariage because it was the first time, a big maybe. But what she did for sell her house is too much for him.

Good story.

I personally think this was a great job. Most of the detractors seem to think they are literary geniuses. These are short erotic stories not literary masterpieces, and I do not expect them to be. I am looking forward to seeing a continuation of this, and seeing how these new lives play out. 4 stars.

Like anonymous on 09/27/20 (and I copied), I saw little need for an editor. There may have been errors but, it didn't affect the reading. You did a great job. I have seen 'edited' stories that were not as good. 5*

Too much Dick and Jane, the overall story is okay but it needs to be presented better. Even the conversations seem to be narration at times.

This is a very good new writer. I've read most if not all of hisxwork so far and he hasn't disappointed yet.

An editor would have ironed out the rough spots, but the real problem was the cold dispassionate voice used to tell the story. The daughters monologue at the end was worthy of a robot. Bill almost seems like an afterthought and was not at all well developed. But the idea was basically pretty good and with some work it could have been a good story. 4*

Yes, there were issues with the story. I agree we don't need a list of the cast, that makes me think I may need it. I think you had a couple of new plot twists in your story. The video equipment set up in the hotel in advance was different as was having her daughter meeting her when she arrived home. Well done

I liked it but the confrontation would have been more emotional if it was the husband speaking to her. There seemed to be a lack of pain in the confrontation. However an enjoyable story. 4 stars.

I can almost feel emphasis on the word “Mother” each and every time. Well done and a good twist.

You could do with a decent editor. Great plot and good characters but the overall read felt just a bit rough.

Thanks

Definitely need an editor, several glaring mistakes really took the reader out of the tale.

Good story and fair delivery - but the abovementioned errors really marred the tale.

3/5

Four Stars … great first effort.. lonnnnng way to go for Five.

I like dialog... many stories are little more than a recital from the POV of the fly on the wall... great for background and transitions, but the action? Not so much... conversations as expositions are more interesting, and so, dramatic. I think that that must be a lot more work, eh? You have to develop the characters deeply enough that what they say fits 'who' they are. Nice work as far as it goes.

The “She said she loves him and yet did that!” meaning that she shouldn't claim to love Hubs, because she cannot possibly both love and betray him, is erroneous in that the statement is HERS, not the readers; the judgment, whether valid or no, is HER judgment, not ours. Her making of that statement makes her a more complex person/character. The same with the daughter's involvement. If, in the opinion of the author the excoriation of the mother, by HER own DAUGHTER, is more devastating than having Hubs bag on her as he drives her from the home, more power to him... IF he can pull it off. I think that this one falls a bit short in that, as mentioned by someone else, the daughter's anger never pushes her to the level of vitriol that MANY (though not all) would like to see, and that her obvious disgust with the SAH, would indicate.

Thank you, very much, for the entertainment. Keep up the good work!

If you don’t know anything about a profession then don’t right about it in the story.

A BS in Architecture is a pre professional program. You don’t become an architect with this degree. You also don’t go to work as a draftsman. You are an intern.

Second, the Masters of architecture is a professional degree and allows you to become an architect. After this you have a minimum 3 years of experience before you qualify to the the Architectural Registration Exam wich usually takes 2 years to complete. It can be done faster but usually not. He would be near 30 before he became an architect. Also, an architect at that age would NEVER be able to afford a 700k house in the circumstances outlined in this story.

Coming back with an MAarch would not increase his salary substantially. Salary would be based upon experience and skill. At that time he didn’t have a lot of experience or skill.

Thirdly, residential architects make shit for money... even less than someone working in a firm.

So again I say, if you don’t know anything about the profession you are writing about leave it alone.

The comment that she was contributing nicely to their income would be an understatement. As described she would be making 5 times what he was bringing home.

What others have said about what a coward he was is accurate. Too bad we don’t get to see more of the anguish to herself caused by her actions. She trashed the man who rescued her from a life of poverty. It is unfortunate because she didn’t do it to hurt him.

Someone has commented that the dialogue was wooden. I have to agree. Your characters spoke in complete sentences and even in complete paragraphs. Real conversation does not happen in this manner. Especially if the subject matter is explosive or volatile. Having the daughter speak dispassionately to her mother doesn't create a sense of anger or anguish. On the other hand one of your stories involving a wife seeking sex on a married website did a very good job with dialogue showing the husband's emotions as he goes through his attempt at resolution. I'm not sure why this stories dialogue differs so greatly from other stories. We will just have to see how you handle your next effort.

Standard BTB stuff. Fairly well written with just a few grammatical errors. The details regarding the divorce were incorrect in that her adultery means nothing in a "no-fault" world. He would have needed to buy her out of her share of the house. An accountant would need to decide the worth of his business and her brokerage. If he ends up with custody of Ritchie, child support from Joan would have been decided by a set calculation all jurisdictions use. There should have been no reason for him to be funding her IRA. She made plenty of money. After the accountant report any alimony would have been set by the Court. Joyce "announcing" the divorce details felt like an odd choice. You seemed to rush thru the ending. The confrontation between Joan and her husband never occurs and in a LW story that's some of the most interesting dialogue in the story. Thanks for the effort.

3 stars

I felt like we were left two paragraphs short. I found myself wanting to know her final feelings after the shock wore off and time had lapsed for her new reality to fully set in.

How did the husband handle the same after the initial anger passed?

...thought the husband should have confronted the whore instead of the daughter. Also he was too nice by giving her 3 months in a suite. Her and the boyfriend needed some retribution. 4 stars. Thanx....

Loklie

I enjoyed the story enough to give it 5 stars. Unfortunately, I'm worse with grammar than most with a 4 year degree (engineering), so I read for content and don't notice the things that bother others. Good enough that I want to read your other three stories. Thanks.

You asked for editorial critique in the comments but it doesn't look like you're getting much. I'll take a whack at it but I won't comment on your plot. That's up to you.

Unless you're a playwright or you're writing a multigenerational family epic saga, you don't need a cast list. Playwrights use cast lists because dialog is all they've got to work with. This is prose so there's room to characterize in between dialog. Ditch the cast list.

You're too aware of your readers. Like when you say: "As the reader can probably guess" or "He would not be a knowing cuckold." Those sorts of things. You make it seem like you're trying to appeal to a target readership. When you're drafting a story, write like nobody except you is ever going to set eyes on it. Don't write like you're explaining to an audience. Forget everyone else and vomit the story onto the page as it's happening in your head. Only your imagination matters. You can later view the story through a reader's lens and clarify things when you're on your second draft.

You said the first part of the story was "descriptive." It wasn't. It was an info-dump. You could have given exposition through action instead. There are lots of ways to do that. For instance, you could have opened the story with Bill cooking dinner. Maybe he's added too much oregano to the sauce because it's his first time making that recipe. That's the segue into why he needs to do all the chores. His wife is working more etc. Maybe as Joyce comes in to help him, there's banter between them to establish their bond (that'll make it believable that she takes his side later on). Maybe she tastes the sauce and mocks his cooking. Maybe her laugh reminds him of the way she giggled when she was a baby. That's the segue into how he first saw her as a baby while he was dating Joan etc. Maybe later on in the evening, Joan gets home late. Bill tries to connect with her but she doesn't take the bait. That's the segue into the story of her career and how it's changed their marriage. Dramatize, don't info-dump. Show, don't tell.

While you're showing and not telling, use all the senses. Don't tell us what Bill is feeling. Show on the page how he's processing those feelings. Instead of saying: "Bill had tears streaming down his face", maybe Bill feels the sting in his eyes and the wetness on his face. You're in his POV. Immerse us all in it. You also don’t need to state things like: "Joan was a natural born salesperson." That's already obvious since she's doing well in her career. Readers can draw conclusions without the writer saying it.

Joan said somewhere: "I guess that makes me a whore." Take it from a woman that women tend not to call themselves whores. Unless we say it in a joking way with our close friends. Also, the way you executed the patio scene could have been better. It was rushed and the characters spoke too dramatically to be taken seriously. It would have been even better if the scene was between Bill and Joan. She'd explain her reasons to him. That way you wouldn't have needed that convenient conversation between Joan and her lover about why they were carrying on their affair. They were there to bone, not to be each other's therapists.

Unless you need to emphasize something, don't have characters use each other's names in speech. Like where Beverly says: "Did you know, Bill, that according to my investigators..." If you analyze actual speech, you'll notice people don't do that. Names are hardly ever used between speakers. Aside from that, your dialog is kind of clunky. A quick fix is to break it up. The fewer long monologs you have, the less clunky it has a chance to get. Another quick fix is using contractions ("I'm" instead of "I am") and ditching words like "furthermore." The real solution is studying dialog. It doesn't have to be boring. Just watch interviews and podcasts on topics you already like. Note the ways people talk. Real dialog isn't made up of long speeches. It's give and take. People pause, trail off, interrupt, laugh, repeat themselves, make non-verbal gestures and so on. You don't need to throw all that into your stories at once. A little goes a long way in making dialog flow better.

Your spelling, grammar and punctuation were okay. As I said, I'm not going to comment on your plot.

If all this sounds harsh, remember you're the one who asked for public editorial critique.

The narrative lacks "flow" but the overall plot progression was pretty decent. It wouldn't be a bad idea to do a Chapter 2 to layout the divorce and recovery of the family, bit it's up to you. The story is very believable and that's why I gave it a 4.

...under the Taboo/Incest category of Joyce fucking her father?

The author is not a very good writer at all. The prose was stilted and choppy. There did not seem to be any emotion in it.

It was more like a “paint by numbers” exercise than verbal art.

But keep trying! Practice makes you better!

You asked for critique so please take this as it's meant. First, way too much back story, it does nothing for the plot and is frankly boring, much better to add a bit here and there when it becomes pertinent.

History and achievement don't make charecter. There was minimal characterisation. Character is about feelings, thoughts and emotions and the actions they create. Bill seemed a good guy but he could be a mass murderer for all we really know about him, likewise everybody else in the story.

Dialogue must be believable, try reading it out loud and imagine if you or anyone you know would say it, what you have here they probably wouldn't.

Research. The old bugging of the hotel etc is a well trodden path especially in the BTB genre, it is also highly illegal. Any hotel which allowed a room to be bugged would be closed immediately and all those involved prosecuted. Even if it's done in secret any evidence would be inadmissible in court and again those responsible prosecuted, not to mention the private detectives and lawyers would lose their licences. On the same theme evicting the wife wouldn't work: her lawyer would have her back in minutes, the husband would be turfed out and also be subject to a restraining order. It makes BTB supporters happy but in reality it's just a pipedream.

Plot. Nothing new, try to find a different angle or some kind of twist, I'm afraid this has been done countless times. If you want to write BTB stories this is fine, they don't need much, small brains you see! Otherwise it needs a little something.

This is all critique not criticism, there is a vast difference and I hope it helps. Keep writing and try to be different and therefore better.

Hubby should have been the one to beat the bitch, but still good story 4 from me!

Other than maybe three grammatical typo errors it was GOOD, damn good. Getting an L Editor here is a bitch, even proof-readers, no one wants to be associated to a newbie. I tried to get a dozen L editors never got any takers. And here in LW all readers are self-proclaimed guru editors. FYI, if you get >4.0 in the LW genera you're HOT!

/

I enjoyed your twist (first time seen) at having his step-daughter rip her CHEATING mother a new one. He may look whimpy to some but in how this story was told he had no choice. This was a rip from a very grateful daughter wanting to spare her mommy-daddy.

/

I hope he got a shark for a divorce lawyer as he should get a percent of her brokerage, that he funded.

/

6*, Hooyah, salute...

Bringing in her daughter at the end to choose her adopted father instead of her natural mother speaks volumes. The remark about "...fuck him myself." was a bit over the top. I thought in the end the wife showed her self-centered nature. She quickly admitted to her daughter with the excuse that she thought she hid it better. That's analysis, not apology. Very interesting.

Congratulations. Your self-edited text is far cleaner than most stories in Lit. I saw two typos. You have several superfluous commas. And I felt that quite often you were wordy; but wordiness could be your style. Here is an example crying for improvement; it is the second sentence in your piece: “Since he was a junior in high school, he knew what he wanted to do…” The word “since” denotes three different meanings. To be crystal clear, here you need “Ever since….” Others have noted that the dialogue is “wooden” at times. I agree. Here is a typical example of wordiness: “He was on a flexible schedule as far as his job was concerned but still, most of his classes were at night.” Why not eliminate “as far as his job was concerned”? The reader already knows about his job. Despite these minor points, I enjoyed the story.

The author asked for comments and help editing. I actually started redlining some words and passages to help BlackHeart93, but then I gave up. The story is a series of declarative sentences in staccato-like form. That could be forgiven in return for an interesting story, but there is nothing new here. The whole story is nothing but a series of standard tropes such as the husband crying and getting drunk upon discovery of the affair (real men may be angry and hurt, but would not cry or "pass out" from drinking).

Then there are the idiocies. Author says "my investigators, placed numerous video cameras and recording devices throughout the rooms." We all know that hotels generally do not assign rooms or suites until check-in. How did the investigators know which room to bug? How did they get into a room or suite, given the electronic key cards that are now used by all hotels?

Then, Joan calls Bill from "her room" at the hotel. Why didn’t Bill ask Joan her room number at the hotel? Such an obvious question, and yet author ignores it -- perhaps because he would then have had to write a more difficult story for which we could not copy prior tropes.

Then, upon learning that she was cooked, Joan's first comment is "That's not possible. I've been so careful." Come on.

There is nothing redeeming here.

The story also includes the standard trope about husband changing locks, and refusing wife to enter home. This is a typical storyline by authors who have no concept of the law. One spouse can change locks, but the other spouse can also break into the house, because both spouses have equal rights to the house until there is a court order or agreement to the contrary. The wife can also sue husband for throwing her out, and that will be a demerit for husband in any divorce proceeding.

I wish authors wrote about things they knew, instead of just copying other peoples' stupidities.

Very meh.

When first we practice to become a cheating bitch

I appreciated using the college age daughter rather than the protagonist to get all bellicose and macho - it is a cliche' of the the BtB meme and grates on me, at least.

The casual adultery of the female lead seemed poorly motivated... but then again, she is not the protagonist. The son is not seen, the daughter carried much weight in the story without being introduced. Which is to say, this could be either continued or redone to potentially great effect.

The ages of the players is kinda fuzzy here - but I am guessing that the protagonists are in their 50's, perhaps early 50's... and it seems to me that the wife really has self destructive tendencies. But see above - yes, she found cheating exciting, more or less, and didn't see a down side... but most people check the disaster potential.

So... I saw hooks into a continuation, there is certainly enough dramatic stuff left on the table for a continuation.

Or not. Your puppy, after all. Good luck, and thanks for your efforts.

Green-something

Always lock the slut out of their joint home. That is so illegal all she has to do is call the police and they will open the door! You need a court order and a agreement to do anything like this today. Plus the daughter said she would fuck her father before her she’d let her mother touch him again. That’s a shitty statement to end your story.

Wow, it really hurts when you miss the nail and hit your thumb with the hammer. 5*

It needs more. I wouldn't mind a second part to it showing him moving on and the fallout of the divorce. Otherwise it's a solid story in my opinion

I thought it was a good read with an engaging plot. I look forward to more.

There is not equity here. The house and his business would have to be sold, unless he could buy her out of her share of both. The truth is she will be fine, I a good real estate agent makes more than most professionals even doctors and lawyers in some areas. My friend just bought a 2.5 million dollar property in my town, I know the realtor involved she cleared 125,000 from the sale and it took her two weeks. That was one of her smallest sales in 2020. With COVID she did not have to leave her house, all of it was handled electronically and she told me it took her about 3-4 hours to complete. She has sold more properties because she was ready for all electronic transactions and cut her fees to 5%. With all the properties she has listed, she will clear about 3 million this year alone.

A nice first effort. I think, as a beginner, you might want to read your dialogue out loud and see if that sounds like the way people actually talk. I think that would help you a lot.

A bigger problem, for me, is how much narration there was at the beginning. If I hadn’t known that you were a first time author soliciting feedback, I would’ve bailed on it. It’s much better to have a situation where there’s dialogue and things are happening rather than being told about them. That’s part of the storyteller’s burden, to decide where the narration and the scenes intercut.

Pacing is important. That also applies to the dialogue. The “stilted” thing that people are talking about is because, generally, people talk in bursts back-and-forth. Having a daughter narrate all the terms certainly makes our hero look weak. It would’ve been much more interesting to have the conversation and the confrontation between the two parties.

Just my two cents. Keep trying, and maybe way to find an editor, no matter how frustrating the process may be. Overall, your grammar and punctuation are borderline acceptable. Your issue is story construction and pacing, and that will come in time.

Thanks for the effort.

Everyone got what they deserved in the end!

5

The biggest mistake Literotica writers make is using too many nouns. Bill said to Joan, Joan, do you want to ..... Joan said to Bill, Bill I don't want to go to ..... and Bill replied, Joan.... It's painful, so I stopped reading less than half way down the first page. We know who you are talking about and unless you introduce a new character, only use pronouns. "He knew she wasn't keen on the idea, so suggested they go dancing instead. The change of plan was well received and she gave him a peck on the cheek to show her approval". It flows, so try editing out as many as possible then find a good editor. Good luck!

Except for the getting drunk BS there was no dithering around

Quick and to the point Change the locks Toss the bitch out

Step daughter burns her mother

Good writing that would have been better with more attention to detail He "through" her on the bed?

Fully understand your problem with editors; had the same problem myself a few years ago. I became convinced this idea if editors was all BS but now I see authors thanking them so I guess it was just me—and now apparently you. I decided to learn all I could about writing—had already taken a few courses years ago so now turned to writer’s resources here on lit and quite a few self help books on creative writing. That, along with comments from readers and a few other authors seemed to help.

I still have a long way to go, but along the way I have tried to help other new writers (which has brought a lot of wiseass remarks my way—mostly by those who have never submitted a story nor do they have drive, or whatever, to get and give their ID so writers can address them directly, as they can address us. If you continue to write, you’ll learn what I mean.

Now to your story: you have an excellent plot, but it begs for at least one more chapter. What happens now, does hubby really throws away all the time and love hed invested? Yes, I know the argument can be made that she threw away the marriage, not him—but you wrote a story showing great love by both of them. She is weak and made driven by the competitive spirit so common today. Even while cheating she confesses love for hubby.(If I’m not mistaken I think she even did that while with lover boy.) However you want to play it, give us closure.

I found it helps to proof your draft several times, then when you think it’s perfect, print it nd proof from the printed page. I bet you’ll catch a lot of errors. Also don’t forget Word 10-converts text to voice—a very handy little device,

Anyway, good luck and keep writing! cd

Good writing. Needs more detail and not such an abrupt ending. Loving wives tales are best when we get more of the angst experienced by all parties. Here we only have the initial reaction of the wife. Need to expand that a lot. Another chapter would be welcome.

Have read your other stories and have the same opinion as to length and abrupt ending.

HDK story, Eleanor Rigby, the first part, is the one that has the best emotional punch to the gut I have ever experienced. Please read story and comments to get a better sense as to what I mean about emotional pain.

The emotional pain is the real draw in the loving wives category.

I liked your story. People that are tearing you down are just too fucking picky. No one can know every detail about everything and prone to making mistakes, so what. After all it's just a story and I get entertained from the story line. Lots of people, especially here in LW only read to find mistakes so they can belittle the author because it makes them feel superior, but they aren't superior, just assholes. Keep it up. FIVE*****

Everything is there but it seems a bit dry like Sgt Joe Friday wrote the story. Didn't engage me.

Written with the feeling and sincerity of coverpage, boilerplate general notes. The storyline is so common you could have sticky-backed the story, misspelled a few words and dropped the punctuation marks to make it interesting. No jury would buy it.

Ninety percent of architects are plagiarizing bastards without the integrity or originality to develop their own designs (or boilerplate notes). Apparently this author is of the same stock (not that he plagiarized the story, but it is so commonplace that the EXACT same script is posted on this website thousands of times, under different names with alternate protagonist professions).

I want to redline the hell out of this story, as I do with the crap drawings that come across my desk with consistency. The first issue is asking a woman out for Saturday dinner and then picking her up Friday after classes (which are evening classes, but he seems, or must be, a night-owl).

Blame someone else: the usual story. It is the lack of editors and this story NEEDED to go out TODAY!!! I can't wait for an editor to review my unintelligible ramblings. I need accolades now! I AM Jim Accosta!

Ever notice that few people ever accept their shortcomings and try to get better. The first step in "getting well" is admitting you have a "problem" (an euphemism for "disease" or "felony affliction/affectation"). Once accomplished, a grammar school refresher course in composition would help - maybe.

Fuck CAD, get a parallel bar,

Smokepole

Having Joyce deliver the coup d'etat was a novel touch.

Irrelevant details: "Then, I made a Virgin Mary to help with his hangover, followed by a light breakfast and coffee." That is just a sample.

Geek details: "I'm going to walk from room to room in the suite and I want you to follow me by toggling between cameras. I'll talk as I move around. Testing, one, two three, . . . testing, one two, three." So much time and effort describing the technique and technology of discovery, but almost nothing on the psyche and emotion of adultery.

Character morphing to fit the plot: She's a loving loyal grateful wife, until she figures out she can make more money as a prostitute. Then she just becomes a guiltless arrogant slut. And through all this evolution and denigration of her morals and values the husband and children never had a clue, not an inkling. As if the wife could morph from saint to monster and it have no discernible affect on personality or behavior. She must be a cyborg instead of a human being.

So congratulations on the plot. Work on the characters staying in character and making their behavior plausible and believable. Good luck with future efforts,

And thanks for the effort.

I can only hope you look at the comments with a constructive outlook, as I tended to agree with them. I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from a story with so much pain, if your going through it yourself. Unfortunately that leaves the story with no soul. A truly great storyteller will leave his heart on the pages, let it bleed out in the form of virtual ink. It might help your blackheart gain a bit of life, not saying that would be easy. Just saying... that's all. Ps thanks, its tough and your trying, that is life.

As much as I love it when cheaters get caught, the reality is that most never are.

Especially women. Its easier for them to find men to cheat with, and with today's entitlement feminism, they believe a secret lover is owed to them. The latest trend is cheating and no divorce. They live their YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL mantra.

Nice story though.

"And I couldn't love him more even if he had been my biological daughte". I think you meant 'even if he had been my biological FATHER'.

There was also another example earlier in the story. So, yes, a "beta-reader" would find these problem areas. An editor would also offer advice on improving the story. But for punctuation, spelling, inconsistencies, etc a beta-read is what you are looking for.

In romance section. Where he gets with one of the women listed. Seems Beverly has the inside track.

A decent story with a solid, if formulaic base. Good twist with the hammer blows delivered by the step-daughter, but much more reality could have been injected into their dialogue. A bit wooden and needed more characterization and a lot less repetition - you only need to write the same thing once. I gave it 5* for effort and encouragement. You need to develop your own style, but the basics are already in place, and this category is a very hard place to be.

I am open to editing here on Lit, so if you need help just drop me a line, others also. Keep writing and you will soon be a very good author.

Nice.

Not finding an editor

must never be a reason

not sending in a good story.

And this was a good story.

The writing of the plot wasn't perfect,

but for me, that wasn't the fault here.

The fault was the repetitions.

A writer must find a way to tell a story

without telling the reader the same thing twice.

Thank you BlackHeart93 for your story.

Best of luck in the future.

4 out of 5 from me.

Both A__holes got what they deserved. Liked the way the Daughter told Mother off. letting her know for certain her life as she knew it was over.

The dialogue often sounds like you are focusing on providing information to the reader. Instead, perhaps you should imagine the scene involving people you actually know living through the scene you are writing. Angry confrontations have lots of sentence fragments and interruptions. And while it's difficult to write people talking all over and past each other, that's real.

just do it fast and hard. TK U MLJ LV NV

One (first) of three pages is totally narrated. Efficient way to set up a story ... but at the expense of We-The-Readers getting find some character in the characters.

Sweetie’s daughter carried Hubby’s (her step-dad) water in the denouement. Awkward! Especially her (probably insincere) offer to boff her step-dad to keep Sweetie’s claws away from him! Last nail in Sweetie’s coffin!

3*

Paul Drake...the detective......LOL....gotta love it!!

was a 4 star story for me.

pretty easy read, plot was simple and the pacing was good.

i think Beverly's character needed to stand out a bit more, her personality was a bit bland.

The ending feels a bit incomplete, I hope you would write a second part where you can go through the separation and divorce, the burn and maybe even a redeeming romance story.

I concur with superdandy that this story felt somewhat incomplete, though that may just be because so many interesting things are going on here. Lennard is a reprobate, and not redeemable in my opinion. Joan on the other hand is more complicated, and that's what I think makes her interesting. That said, her affair with Lennard as I see it is her greater sin. I'm not sure how to deal with that. I'm not sure you even can. With regard to her other infidelities, and I know this might sound strange, but I'm more sympathetic toward that.

The problem with the relationship as I see it, is there was a great inequality between the spouses. Bill seemed to go from success to success, while she felt the need to prove herself. Insecurity, and her own fear that she was not worthy of him might have driven her to make those mistakes in a desperate attempt to feel successful. It's a fucked situation. Many will say the only thing she needed to do for the man that gave her everything is to not betray him, and there is a lot of truth in that. However, she might have wanted so bad not to feel like the loser in the relationship that she ended up making bad decisions. I don't know, and since it's your story that's really for you to say, but I still feel there is more to explore in that direction. Even if her affair with Lennard makes it a moot point--maybe some understanding at least might allow some limited rehabilitation so she can have some sort of relationship with the kids.

This story belongs in science fiction for sure. I knew it was going to be a crap story when you wrote us a character list like we, the readers, are to dumb to figure it out. Should have stopped then, but I didn't. Writting was so-so at best. Plot and storyline has been done 10,000 times on this site. In fact in seems like 80% of stories in LW are this kind of boring, no sex what so ever stories. I am 55 years old I did not grow up with internet porn. When I was in my mid teens I had to sneak through my dad's collection of mag's. Then I discovered I could sneak into my next door neighbor's detached garage while he was at work and go through his boxes and boxes of mag's too. This is where I discovered Penthouse. Not only the pics of Beautiful mature women, remember Im only 15-16, but the stories. I bet I have read every story posted in Penthouse from the early 70's thru late 70's. When I turn 18 and could buy those mag's for myself I always tended to go for the ones with sex stories posted as well as pics. There were quite a few that followed the Penthouse model. I bought these mag's up till the mid 90's. Now in 15 or so years of reading these stories I never read one revenge story not one. But this section on here is loaded with them. And the worse part is they do not belong in the Loving Wives category. Literotica needs to give you your own section where you limp dick asshat's can congratulate one another on being the smartest and best man in any room. And let the people that come to LW read the stories we want to read without reading all the nasty comments from readers who read the story but hate the topic. Why Why Why would you ever read from a section that is repulsive to you is beyond me. I have no intrest reading gay or lesbian stories, so I don't. I have no intrest in reading from any category on here other that Loving Wives, so I don't. Literotica if you are reading this PLEASE give these fool's their own category please. They are killing Loving Wives.

Typical cheating wife story, including the waste of the first half page. I put this one down to naive attempt.

Characters had no character. Everything explained as though speaking to 3 year olds.

Technically the writing is good enough to pass muster, just the story, characters and speech need work.

When first we practice to become a dumb whore

That long-winded narrative before the first dialogue almost lost me but I trudged onward. The sentences remind me of a black & white TV show. Ever watch "Dragnet" or hear of a character named Joe Friday? You've written the Literotica version of that show. That's not a compliment. Very little emotion is actually demonstrated and short declarative sentences abound. All lead into a many-times done plot. A character list this short? Why? Self-editing is very hard, but it appears no discernible effort was made in that respect. Better luck next time. Try for a Beta reader if you can't connect with an editor. That would help.

I liked your story and enjoyed

jtwheels

For a first attempt I don't know why you got so slated,

Keep on going, we can all learn by our mistakes, but there again there are some who can find fault with the instructions on a can of soup,

good first story.

The first two pages were nothing special: but the daughter's Icy dissection of the mother was an absolute Joy.!

Missed Opportunity

The unique aspect of this tired storyline is the "live" viewing of the cheating couple. However, I feel an interesting twist would have been to confront the cheaters while having sex in the hotel room.

Since the audio/video setup in the hotel was 2-way, Bill and Beverly (B&B) could have interrupt the sex over the audio system and simultaneously have a process server enter the room with divorce papers. B&B could personally serve the papers to the naked cheaters. Beverly would tell Lennard he's fired and all his belongings have been removed from the house.

Likewise Bill would tell Joan not to bother to come home. Her children know everything and her daughter has actually seen her fucking live over the video system. Now that would be unique!

Without some novel slant to this storyline, I could only rate it a 3.

Good story and still waiting for the next part keep it up

Just read the 2 stories you gave an alternative ending to except you didn't really finish them just like this story.

I think a few more paragraphs in each story would have been useful.

Still enjoyed your story and grateful for your time taken to write it.

WTF, fellow commenters? I just read a nice story about a philandering wife who got caught, then banished from the family she took for granted. From the comments I read, no one is giving a fresh new author much of a honeymoon. Story closure does not require a detailed blow-by-blow chronology of every character's life through their funerals for heaven's sake. Would you all have been satisfied if Joyce has said, "Now, Mother, get in your car, leave us alone and start your new life!"? Or do you really need to know how many months until the divorce was final? Did either of the adults remarry, to whom, when, and was the new sex partner better than the old?

.

Meanwhile, BlackHeart, there are some positive elements of constructive criticism hidden in the comments. If you have nice, thick skin, you could benefit from those.

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Many thanks for the contribution. Keep 'em comin'.

Excellent story. Loved the twist at the end where the daughter, not the husband, confronted the mother.

For a story that has not been edited you have done exceptionally well. A couple of errors: to instead of no, thorough instead of threw, but basically no big problems. My husband and I write as JRSmale and will edit for you should you need it. I will go now and read your other stories and look forward to following you Thank you for sharing. Keep writing. Marie

I think you are a good writer. Please continue to write.

The story was tragic with hope for the future just how I like them.

Where the betrayed father gets his revenge on the cheating slut and her lover.

Maybe he does sleep with his adopted daughter but I don't wish this to occur but maybe the widow. He can then adopt another child and maybe have more with the widow.

The children he already has ignore their mother and do not invite her to their weddings etc.

Lover boy ends up a cripple after a bashing one night. And slut ends up a lonely bitter old woman who never sees her grandchildren.

MMMMMMMM nice ending

That was cold. I approve.

Liked the story but the conversation between mother and daughter didn't feel real and why didn't Bill just shout at Joyce on the phone when he was watching her in the hotel room with Lenny. They already had the evidence of adultery and it wold have made for a more realistic reaction. Instead it came across as Bill and Beverly being voyeurs as they watched their spouses fuck each other for a few hours after the phone calls.

hope you will do more with this story

I agree with the comments re: the "Cast of Characters." If the story doesn't adequately describe the characters, then it needs rewriting.