Love Lost, Love Found

"Ham. Is that alright?"

"Sure. And I brought ice tea, unsweetened, but I brought sugar..."

"That's perfect. Thanks. Why don't we eat here, if that's alright? The break room may be full of people."

"This is fine. So, Bart, where do we start?" He shrugged. "Yeah. This is a little weird. It turns out all three girls are in the same school. I assume you take them in the morning. What happens in the afternoon?"

"I pick them up and bring them here. They do homework or whatever until I can leave, then home and dinner. Not much fun for them, but I don't really have an option."

"Amazing. It's just amazing how you have made it work. So no ex wife assistance at all?"

He shook his head. "The girls haven't seen her since she left. I heard she was in Chicago or something from her sister, but we don't discuss it. No point." Ava eyed him. No pain, just blank.

"Since I have to pick up Rose anyway, why don't I pick up your two and watch them until you finish up. I can make sure they do their homework and stuff and then we can find something to do until you get home."

"I can't ask you to do that. It's too much."

"Bart, your girls are great and a lot of fun. I can grade papers or make lesson plans. If I get hung up, my mom is available to help. So it's not a problem. It probably adds an hour or more to your day to stop, wait in the pick up line, pick them up and bring them here. Maybe you could get home earlier and spend more quality time with them--and maybe with Rose too."

"Sure, but it's too one sided. What do you get out of it?"

"The joy of being with your girls for one, but I heard I could also get a discount on plants?"

Laughing, "You can have that anyway. There must be something."

"We can see what comes up, but, wait! Do you know how to fish or, or camp?"

"Sure. To both."

"That's it then. You can teach Rose to fish and we can go camping! Perfect trade off. And I'm sure there will be hiccups in our schedules where we can help each other out. Oh, and I guess that we should treat each other's girls like we would our own and if one of us doesn't agree with what the other one did we talk about it calmly, reasonably, and not in front of the girls okay?"

"Sounds good."

"And no axe throwing."

"What?" Then he laughed. "Agreed. No axe throwing. Until they're a little older." She shook his hand, but held it and looked in his eyes, then looked at their hands, together and dropped his. It felt nice, right.

"Uh, so I'll pick the crew up today and why don't I take them to your house. And maybe we'll alternate or something. I'll play it by ear. And sometime we need to discuss the topic which will win me a free dinner?"

"Agreed, but not today, alright?" She nodded.

"Alright, ladies. Out of your school clothes, into play clothes. You two...homework. Do you need a hand?"

"Nope. Just a math sheet."

"Just my spelling words."

"Good. We want all A's right? Learning is fun! I guess you don't share my enthusiasm. Rose you have a math sheet too, right? Then why don't you color me a pretty picture after you work on your letters. I'll be right over here doing some work."

An hour later she heard laughter a giggles from the living room. "What's going on, ladies?"

"We're done with our homework."

"What's so funny? Are you doing something you shouldn't?"

"No, Ava. Just looking at some photos." She got up and walked into the living room. The three girls were lined up on the couch pointing at photos and laughing. She peered over there shoulders as the looked through a photo album.

"Who's that? An uncle or something." All three giggled and laughed.

"No! That's Fat Daddy!"

"Fat Daddy? Who's...No! No way!" Joining the laughter, "That's not your father, is it?"

"Yup. We always laugh when we look at these and he gets all red."

"He's in great shape now. What happened?"

There was a pause, "Mommy left."

"Oh, sorry. Are there pictures of your mom?"

"Yeah." Flipping the page. "Here're some."

"She was very pretty. You two look kinda like her, but more like your dad. She was a little heavy too, right?"

"But then she got skinny and left."

"Did they fight a lot or anything?"

"I don't remember anything."

"Well, Mac, you were pretty young. What about you, Holly."

"All I remember is Aunt Monica coming over Sunday morning, asking Dad what happened and packing up her stuff. He said she just called and said she wasn't coming back. We haven't seen her since."

Ava hugged the two of them. "Oh that must have been so hard for you, but are you doing alright now?"

"Yeah, Dad makes things fun. He helped us a lot."

"If you ever want to talk about anything I'll be glad to listen. Okay? But where were these photos taken? It looks entirely...No, it's here, isn't it? This house?"

"Yup. Right after Monica left we went to the store and ordered all new stuff, came back and pulled all of the old stuff out and put it in the garage or in the yard and some truck came by and picked it all up. He stayed up all night and changed the color of all the rooms and we had no where to sit except in our rooms until new stuff showed up. All the pictures, every photo of Mom and Dad together, anything of hers that Monica didn't take all disappeared."

"My goodness."

"He left our rooms alone. Didn't change those. It was like she was never here or something."

"That must have been so hard for you two."

"I guess, but things are fine now. Especially since we met you and Rose."

"A lot of the pictures show your dad in a suit and tie. Why was he wearing those?"

"He always wore those when he left for work and when he came home."

"But that changed after your mom left? That's when he got the nursery?" They both nodded."Well we love the fact that we met you two also. It's kind of rainy out, who wants to help me make your dad a cake and start some dinner?"

"Ava?"

"Yes, Holly."

"Could you, maybe braid our hair like Rose's?"

"Sure tell you what, you both have beautiful blonde hair and it's nice and long, why don't we have a hair lesson. You still have to take a shower, do you have shower caps?" They shook their heads. "Tell you what, sounds stupid but we can put a big baggie or something on your heads so you don't get your hair wet, then I'll show you how to brush it and make it shine and then I'll show you how to make braids. I think I have some barrettes in my purse, but tomorrow, we'll do a little shopping on the way home for brushes clips, pins, and shower caps.

"I'll do Holly's and Mac can watch then we'll reverse it. You can braid your own, but it's a lot easier to do someone else's. So off to the shower and let's hurry so we're done before your dad gets home. You can surprise him. If you're careful, you can wear them to school tomorrow."

"So, what do you think? Wait, there's your dad. Just go out there and stand still and see what he says." They ran to the living room and stood still.

Bart opened the door "Hey, girls! How..." and stopped dead and stared. He teared up and got on his knees. The girls looked at each other then ran to him.

"Daddy, what's wrong? We'll get rid of the braids if you don't like them. We're sorry."

"No, don't you dare. You two are the two prettiest girls in the world and I love you so much, that's all." He hugged them and then realizing that Rose was watching, "And you are one of the prettiest girls too, Rose, just like your mom. So there are four prettiest girls." He looked at Ava, just sadly shook his head and whispered. "Thank you."

"Bart, thank you for letting us all join you and the girls for Thanksgiving. The parade and the dog show, what fun. And the turkey smells terrific!"

"Oh, I'm just happy you all could be here."

"And do all the cooking, right Dad?"

"I cooked a turkey before..."

"Turkey breast and the two of us think that it was just beginners luck."

"Alright, girls why don't you run back to Holly's and then come back out when you're ready so you can show your dad."

All three ran back and slammed the door.

"Show me what?"

"Patience, my good man, they'll be out in a few moments."

A few minutes later, Holly and Mackenzie came back to the living room and stood proudly across from their father who was seated in his chair--their new sports bras clearly visible under their shirts. Bart's eyes went wide and a look of surprise filled his face.

"What are you two wearing?" Swinging towards Ava, "What are you doing? You should have...they're too young." A look of disappointment followed by embarrassment filled their faces and all three ran back to the bedroom.

"Bart? What are you doing?"

"No! What the hell are you doing?"

All eyes were on Bart. Anger flared in Ava. "Bart, let's go back to your room or outside and discuss this, unless you'd prefer to have this discussion in front of everyone." He stomped out of the living room and into his bedroom.

Ava sighed. Emily said, "What the hell was that all about? The girls looked so proud."

"Growing pains. Mom, Emily, could you check the turkey and start on the rest of the stuff? Robb, could you, I don't know, help out wherever you can? Let me see what I can salvage."

She walked back to the bedroom and closed the door. She was immediately confronted by Bart. "What the heck, Ava. Bras? What, do you want them to look like those dance kids on TV that look like their twenty years old or something? You should have talked to me. We should have discussed it. I...this is just wrong."

"Are you done?" He nodded. "I guess you haven't noticed that your girls have been wearing sleeveless tees under their shirts all the time for like six months or so."

"I thought it was a fashion thing or something."

"No! It was because Holly was poking through her shirts and starting to get teased by the boys in her class. But now she's gotten too big for the tee shirts. She needed some support and better coverage. Bart, those little buggers of hers are uncomfortable when she runs, or jumps rope or all those kinds of things. Haven't you noticed how she grimaces when you body slam her into a hug? The bra won't help that, but it's because they hurt when they get banged on."

"I noticed, but I thought she didn't want to be hugged."

"No! She loves the fact that you do that! It's just a little sore. Bart, they were so proud to show you that they were growing up, getting older, maturing..."

"They're too young for that. Too little."

"No they are not. Well, Mac has not really sprouted much, but she wants to do everything her sister does so I had to do both of them. I had a hard time talking Rose out of it."

"You should have discussed it with me."

"Maybe. But we had or I thought we had an understanding. I will treat them like my kids and you will treat Rose like yours. And this is exactly the kind of help you said you needed. Hell, Bart, what are you going to do when Holly starts having periods soon. Should I discuss with you the kind of pads I think we should start with?"

"That's a long way off! Why are you even bringing it up?"

"Crawl out from under your rock, Bart! Ten percent of ten year olds have started. Over fifty percent of twelve year olds are started. She's eleven. Once bumps start, menarche is not far behind. It's going to be here whether you're ready for it or not. So, look. I'm sorry if you're upset, but what would we have discussed? The various types of first bras? What are we going to discuss about periods? Are you going to have these talks with them? Are you going to help and guide them?"

"I don't know, I..."

"I get it. I understand. They're growing up too fast and you wish it would slow down and they could stay little kids."

"Right."

"Well, ain't gonna happen."

"Well, I did discuss those puberty blockers until they were thirty.."

Laughing. "Yes you did. But, Bart, right now you have two little girls--and, yup, you made them little girls again, who are embarrassed and disappointed. They were so proud to show you. Do what you want, but I think you should go down the hall and be honest with them. Tell them they look great, but you're having a hard time adjusting to them becoming little women.

"If you don't want to do it, then I'll do it, but right now instead of being proud of their bodies they're probably a little ashamed. They have plenty of classmates who can do that to them. They need their father to be proud of them and supportive of their changes.

"Look, if you need a little ice breaker, tell them that they look great in their rock jocks. They'll give you that look that only little girls can give you, then you say, 'You know. The tee shirts were pebble covers, they're in rock jocks, and later they'll move up to boulder holders.' They'll give you crap about another father funny and all will be forgiven."

"Why do you always make so much sense? Would you come with me?"

"Sure, Bart. But you have to do the talking."

"The turkey was terrific, Bart. Emily, Ava, the pies were delicious."

"You're very welcome, Lauren, my pleasure, but I spent a lot of the time making up for being a dumb...well, not smart. So I didn't do much, you women, and young ladies," looking at the three younger ones, "did most of the cooking. A good thing too given my level of expertise. My girls'll tell you, I'm like a four hit wonder. Hamburgers, pancakes, toasted cheese, aaaand mac and cheese."

"That's where Daddy said I got my name. Mackenzie. Mac 'n ziess." They all laughed.

Ava looked at Bart who had turned red, "You didn't!"

"I do love macaroni and cheese." He squeezed his daughter and flashed Ava a signal to let it drop.

So Mom, why don't you take Robb and Emily into the living room and the ladies can clear the table while I rinse the stuff and load the dishwasher. Bart why don't you supervise and offer your suggestions like you did for the meal," smiling and winking at him as she said it.

Ava went to reach for a serving dish and turned directly into Bart who was carrying a large serving bowl of gravy. The bowl upended dumping its entire contents of thick, warm gravy down the V collar of her shirt and all over her chest. It continued into her pants. She froze, everyone froze, except Bart who without thinking grabbed a kitchen towel and started patting the gravy on her chest and breasts.

She stared at him, at his face, and then a smile lit her face. It was his turn to freeze as he suddenly realized what he was doing. His face turned bright red as he slowly withdrew his hand. From the living room they heard Emily, "EH HEMMMM! Maybe you two should get a room."

He turned redder, "Ava, I...I..."

Laughing but still looking intently at him, "It's fine, Bart, could I get a tee shirt and a place to clean up a little?" He just nodded. She whispered, "And we need to talk. Again. We really need to talk." She could still feel where he had rubbed her with the towel. The embers that had been starting to glow burst into flame with a new life.

She headed towards the bathroom and he followed. She turned and put a hand on his arm and with a smile, "Do you want to join me?"

He froze and uneasiness, fear, filled his features. "Ava, I..."

"It's alright, Bart I'll be out in a minute." She closed the door and stripped off her top and looked down, "Crap, it's all in my pants and undies too. Bart? Could you get me a pair of scrub pants or sweat pants to wear too?"

"Uh, sure. Ava, I'm so sorry."

"Not a biggie. She grabbed a towel and wash cloth from the closet, went under the sink and got a trash bag and froze. 'It's like I live here. It's my home and these are my girls. What the hell has happened?' The vague feelings she had harbored now started clicking into place and the flames grew even brighter, more intense.

He knocked on the door and she slowly opened it a bit. He handed in a tee shirt, sweat shirt and sweat pants. "Thanks, uh, I'll be right out." She held them to her nose--Bart! Fear started to grip her. What if he doesn't feel that way? What if? What if? What if? No! She had faced worse. Time for a talk.

She walked out, very aware that she was naked under her clothes. Feeling vulnerable, but on fire. Her face was flushed. She grabbed Bart's arm and pushed him onto the bed so she didn't have to look up to meet his eyes. "Bart, we have to talk. This talk is way over due. What you did out there..."

"I'm sorry, Ava, I wasn't thinking, I..."

She held up her hand. "Stop! Think about it, Bart. What you did out there was not what a friend would do. It wasn't what even a lover would do. It was what a husband would do! We're like an old married couple. A family of five that just happens to sleep a few miles apart--most of the time. Heck, we even stayed in the same condo this summer, like a family.

"You patted me down without thinking. That's how close we are. I can't tell you how many times when you're leaving my house that I have to catch myself from kissing you goodbye and telling you to 'have a nice day.'

"But it's like we skipped right past the fire, the excitement, the physical. I know you feel it. I know you feel like there's something special between us. I can see it in your eyes, feel it when you touch me. I want more than being a sexless married couple. I want the whole thing including the lust, the physical, the completeness. I want the exciting parts of love, not just the meals and maintenance part."

She sat next to him and kissed him. Slow, tentative at first and then harder, more intensely. She hugged him tightly to herself and slid her tongue questioningly forward to touch his. He grabbed her and squeezed her tight.

Then froze, dropped his hands and pulled away. "I can't. I just can't. I can't risk going through this again. I have the girls...I think I burned away my ability to let someone else in."

"What the hell happened to you, Bart? Trust me! I would never hurt you or the girls. I won't just walk out. I could never do that, do what...hell, I don't even know what her name was. Even if it didn't work out I would never do that.

"We've been together for what, eight months almost nine months, Bart? You know how I feel about those girls. I'm like their mom or something and I know Rose thinks of you as her dad. Let's just give it a try and see how it works. Even if it doesn't work, if we're honest and upfront with each other it should still be okay. Right?"

He stood and pushed her away. Mournfully, "I can't. I just can't. Sorry."

She stood and became aware of tears running down her cheeks. She nodded, "Got it. But in that case, I can't either. I can't be this close yet so far away. In limbo. It's cruel. Bye, Bart. It's been great. Just remember that as long as you're still breathing it's not too late to start over or find happiness. It's been five years! Sorry it ended this way, but thank you. Thank you for the time we had."

She walked out the door and closed it behind her, used the sweat shirt to mop her tears, but new ones formed. She walked into the living room, "Mom, grab our coats, we're going home."

"But..."

"No, Mom. Just do it. Please. Leave the dishes and stuff. Rose, please get your things together." Turning to Holly and Mackenzie. "Girls, looks like I won't be seeing as much of you. I just want you to know that I love you both very, very much and will always, always be here to help or just listen if you need me. I--will--not--leave--you. Ever! Got it? So call or text on those new phones you got. Here, give me a hug. I'm sorry. So, so sorry. This is not what I was hoping for. And you two made your dad so proud of you today. You're getting so big."

"But why?"

"I wish I could explain it to you, but I don't really understand why either. Sorry. Here, give me another hug. Oh, that was a good one." A new set of tears to be mopped up. "Emily, Robb, sorry to put a damper on Thanksgiving." Looking at Emily, "And, no, I don't want to talk about it. Come on Mom, Rose."