I Dream of Angels Pt. 03

Angel and I were in the surgical room, both on beds while the surgeons prepared to operate.

"Angel, no matter what happens, remember this: you are the one that took away my pain and I will love you forever," I whispered, trying to hold back tears.

"Tell me that after we walk out of this hospital together."

Respirators were secured to our faces and we were both given drugs that put us into the realm of unconsciousness. The last thing I saw was Angel's beautiful face.

I opened my eyes and found myself hovering in space. I was completely naked with the eye of God directly above me and Earth below. The bullet wound in my chest was gone and my shoulder was fully healed.

"What is this?" I asked, looking up into the black hole as it eternally consumed the star around it.

Angel appeared before me. "As you so very fittingly called it, it is the eye of God, the Source, and the end of all reason. It is the point in which matter and energy exchange and life and un-life converge. This is the heart of everything, the space in which beginning and end are one in the same."

"What's going on?"

"It's time, Marcus. The day has come when I can finally explain everything to you." She floated over and embraced me with our naked bodies pressed together. "Tell me, do you know how souls are formed?"

"No."

"Through the thoughts and desires of the living. Through the instincts of animals and the wishes of mankind, souls are shaped within the Source and then meet their physical forms upon the birth of infants. Animals following their instincts to reproduce, parents dreaming of their developing child, and even loners with broken hearts wishing for the one to save them; they all shape the energy of the Source and turn it into souls for the next generation. Every soul on Earth is a mix of the hopes for good and fears of evil in the people who came before it. All over the world, children are being born with their souls shaped by the thoughts of the people around them. Then when they die, their souls return to the Source."

"So God doesn't create life, humans and animals do? Then that means that every sentient being is basically a god. There is no God, only the people that shape the souls of the unborn."

"Close, but not completely right."

She stopped talking, and slowly, we were pulled up into the fiery deluge and absorbed by the black hole in the center. Just like when I tried to kill myself, we found ourselves hovering in a vast spinning vortex of violet energy, stretching infinitely.

"This is the other side, the afterlife that you believed in. Here, the souls of the dead rejoin the Source and become one, fusing together into a single mind of limitless proportions. It is a sentience beyond comprehension, a collection of every thought, desire, instinct, and personality within life. In this sea, everyone is made whole and you don't know where the spirits around you end and you begin. This is God, the progenitor of life. It is us and we are it. It is the mother of us all, and the thoughts of the living are what impregnate it and allow it to give form to more life."

"So this is where you came from; this is how you came into existence."

"Yes, through your desires and wishes, I was formed. Before your cancer, when you were plagued by misery and depression, your subconscious dreamt up a being that would be able to cure you of your pain, the one person who you could love forever and be happy with. Your soul sculpted mine, your heart shaping me to be your ultimate match.

But you did more than that; you were able to do much more. You remember, don't you? You were dreaming of me years before your pain first started. That was your subconscious mind becoming aware of the growing tumors on your brainstem, signaling and heralding your death. Then, when your tumors truly activated and your agony was born, you became caught between worlds, held in a limbo of both life and death. With this, your will stretched farther than anyone else's in history. Between life and death, your heart was able to shape more than just my soul, but my body as well. In your pain, you mentally wrote out my blueprints, while your soul served as the gateway between worlds so that I could be formed. A living link between the real world and the source; you were essentially a god, and I was your Eve."

I thought back to all the times I had met her in the mornings and in the middle of the night, how she would periodically expand in the depth of her character and what she could do. The reason why she could do more over time was because I was shaping her from the other side, and with my soul so close to death, she and I were able to meet.

"That's why you wanted me to wait, why you didn't want me to kill myself. You wanted to reach my death naturally, so that by then, you would be fully formed as an individual, and you have saved me then just as you did when I tried to commit suicide."

"Yes, but just when I thought we would return to the Source together, you realized what I was meant to be and I became your finished creation. When you called out my name, you solidified my existence, and then when you regained the will to live, you pulled us out into the world of the living. Like I said, the Source is the point in which matter and energy exchange and life and un-life converge. I was physically born into your world, thanks to your willpower and all the pain you endured.

Think of it as like you bungee jumping over a lake with me beneath the surface. You make the leap, you fall, you touch the water, you catch me, and then your cord pulls us both out.

With no one else could this have been possible. While you thought your pain was a curse, it was actually a blessing. It was the ability to shape a life instead of just a soul and then bring it to the physical plane. You are my creator and I am your savior, playing the role of the one who will love you and bring you happiness, just as you always dreamed. You shaped me with your heart and soul, with your pain and desperation, and gave me life. I exist solely for you, to love you forever and bring you happiness, and for that, I am truly happy. While you dreamed of me, I dreamed of you, and the life we would live together. You gave me life, you gave me love, and you gave me joy, and for that, I am eternally grateful and will cherish the days we got to spend together."

Those last words hit me like a punch to the gut. What did she just say?

"Angel, what do you mean you'll cherish the days we spent together?"

She pulled away from me, trying to maintain a brave smile. "You know what I mean. I'm sorry, Marcus, but this is goodbye."

"No! You said that you would stay alive with me! You said that my heart would keep beating as long as yours did!"

"It was the only way I could convince you to accept the transplant. I knew that you would rather kill yourself than live without me. I knew that giving you my heart would mean the end, but I'll happily give up my life if it means you can live yours."

Tears began to fall from my eyes and my whole body felt like it was in a crushing vise. "You can't do this to me! You can't come into my life and then just disappear!"

"I had to lie to you, even if it meant bearing your hatred. I had to give you my heart, even if it meant hurting you. To save your life, I was ready to pay any price. Just to know you'll live is all I need."

"Then I'll just recreate you! As soon as I wake up, I'll try and kill myself like before! I did it once and I can do it again! I'll bring you back and we'll be together like you said we would!"

"That won't work, not a second time. I was born from a miracle, and a miracle, by definition, cannot be repeated."

"Then I'll kill myself still! I can't live without you!"

"You have to, that was the promise we made each other, remember? We swore we would live for each other? I was created to give you happiness, to bask you in my love while I basked in yours. I lived for you, that was my purpose, my promise. Now you must live for me, you must accept my heart and continue to move forward, even if it means I won't be there with you."

I reached out and embraced her, sobbing. "I can't just let you go! There is no one else for me in the world but you! There is no place for me without you!"

Again she pulled away, but only so that she could look into my eyes and place her hand on my cheek. "That's not true, Marcus. Haven't you realized it yet? Our relationship is proof that someone can love you for everything you are, and that you, as broken and cold as you call yourself, can love someone with more passion than anyone on Earth. I've been a crutch for you to hang on to, but now, you've grown strong enough to walk on your own two feet. You can live a happy life filled with people who love you, I know this because I know you, even better than you know yourself."

"No, I can't do it! I can't live if I don't have you with me! If you disappear, life will go back to the Hell it was before!"

"I must pass on, but even then, I will always be with you. Even if my soul vanishes back into the Source, you'll always have part of me within you." She placed her hand on my chest. "My heart, filled with my love for you, will never stop beating as long as you have the chance to be happy. Every day is a chance for you to turn the world into paradise, to wipe away the sorrows holding you back and breathe the fresh air. I'm giving you my heart, not just because I want you to live, but because I know you can have a beautiful, happy life. Please, do this for me, Marcus. You love me, right? Then promise me, swear, swear that you'll never stop moving towards happiness, that you'll create a life where you smile every day. Promise me so that I can pass on without regret."

"Please, just stay with me."

We separated, an invisible force holding me still while Angel was pulled back deeper into the Source. "I can't, it's already happened. My soul is being called back. Live your life, Marcus. See the world, meet wonderful people, find a wife and have beautiful children. Please, Marcus, promise me." My eyes widened, as without her smile fading, she began to cry, with two waterfalls rolling down her cheeks. "Promise me you'll live your life so well... that you won't need me anymore. That I can fade away, knowing that you're happy. As long as you're happy, I can hold back my tears."

"ANGEL!" I screamed, momentarily breaking free of the force holding me back and grabbing her hand.

I pulled her towards me, using all my strength to bring her just close enough for our last kiss, our lips wet with each other's tears. My body, mind, and soul, I would have given it all up to wake up in the hospital with her at my side, but with the universe itself pulling us apart, I was forced to give in. My only comfort was the two words I didn't want to say, but murmured to make her smile.

"I promise."

We were then pulled apart and I was hurled back, shooting out of the eye of God with my last sight being Angel's soul dissolving back into the Source.

My eyes opened and I took a deep shuddering breath. I was lying in a hospital bed with a respirator hooked up to my mouth and my chest throbbing to the sound of a heart monitor. Frantic, I put my hand on my chest, digging through the bandages until I reached bare skin, feeling the stitched wound from my transplant. I could feel it within me, Angel's heart was beating with a warmth I had never before experienced, a grateful gentleness to it, an aura that made me feel like her love for me was literally pumping through my veins. But even with that sensation, I could not stop from sobbing harder than ever in my life.

The sky above was thick with clouds, perfectly reflecting how I felt inside as I stood at Angel's grave. She was buried in the cemetery closest to my house, so at least I could come visit her whenever wanted. She had been buried without being embalmed or with a coffin, a written request she left behind before the operation. She got to feel the soil on her face with her body untainted by chemicals or strangers' hands. It was the same way I had decided to be buried, she was the only person who knew that.

My family was waiting in the car at the edge of the cemetery, her funeral now over. Still as a statue, staring at her headstone, I wanted to cry with everything I had, but I had no more tears to shed. I could only put my hand on my chest, feeling Angel's heart beating within me. I wanted so badly to die, to end my life and join her in the Source, but I had a promise to keep. I would live for her, even if she wasn't with me, and I would never stop searching for happiness, just like she wanted.

Knowing it was time to go, I crouched down and kissed her grave marker, the stone warmer than it should have been. "I love you, Angel, and I'll always love you. You told me to find happiness, well thanks to you, I know what to look for. Thank you, for everything."

Able to work up a single tear, I turned around and walked away. But after ten feet, I looked back to her grave, just as beam of sunlight broke through the clouds and shined down onto the freshly moved soil, making the engraving on her headstone gleam.

ANGEL CLIVE

EVEN IN DEATH

SHE IS A REASON TO LIVE

The End

Just kidding, here's the real ending.

I opened my eyes and found myself hovering in space. I was completely naked with the eye of God directly above me and Earth below. The bullet wound in my chest was gone and my shoulder was fully healed.

"What is this?" I asked, looking up into the black hole as it eternally consumed the star around it.

Angel appeared before me. "As you so very fittingly called it, it is the eye of God, the Source, and the end of all reason. It is the point in which matter and energy exchange and life and un-life converge. This is the heart of everything, the space in which beginning and end are one in the same."

"What's going on?"

"It's time, Marcus. The day has come when I can finally explain everything to you." She floated over and embraced me with our naked bodies pressed together. "Tell me, do you know how souls are formed?"

"No."

"Through the subconscious thoughts and desires of the living. Through the instincts of animals and the wishes of mankind, souls are shaped within the Source and then meet their physical forms upon the birth of infants. Animals following their instincts to reproduce, parents dreaming of their developing child, and even loners with broken hearts wishing for the one to save them; they all shape the energy of the Source and turn it into souls for the next generation. Every soul on Earth is a mix of the hopes for good and fears of evil in the people who came before it. All over the world, children are being born with their souls shaped by the thoughts of the people around them. Then when they die, their souls return to the Source."

"So God doesn't create life, humans and animals do? Then that means that every sentient being is basically a god. There is no God, only the people that shape the souls of the unborn."

"Close, but not completely right."

She stopped talking, and slowly, we were pulled up into the fiery deluge and absorbed by the black hole in the center. Just like when I tried to kill myself, we found ourselves hovering in a vast spinning vortex of violet energy, stretching infinitely.

"This is the other side, the afterlife that you believed in. Here, the souls of the dead rejoin the Source and become one, fusing together into a single mind of limitless proportions. It is a sentience beyond comprehension, a collection of every thought, desire, instinct, and personality within life. In this sea, everyone is made whole and you don't know where the spirits around you end and you begin. This is God, the progenitor of life. It is us and we are it. It is the mother of us all, and the thoughts of the living are what impregnate it and allow it to give form to more life."

"So this is where you came from; this is how you came into existence."

"Yes, through your desires and wishes, I was formed. Before your cancer, when you were plagued by misery and depression, your subconscious dreamt up a being that would be able to cure you of your pain, the one person who you could love forever and be happy with. Your soul sculpted mine, your heart shaping me to be your ultimate match.

But you did more than that; you were able to do much more. You remember, don't you? You were dreaming of me years before your pain first started. That was your subconscious mind becoming aware of the growing tumors on your brainstem, signaling and heralding your death. Then, when your tumors truly activated and your agony was born, you became caught between worlds, held in a limbo of both life and death. With this, your will stretched farther than anyone else's in history. Between life and death, your heart was able to shape more than just my soul, but my body as well. In your pain, you mentally wrote out my blueprints, while your soul served as the gateway between worlds so that I could be formed. A living link between the real world and the source; you were essentially a god, and I was your Eve."

I thought back to all the times I had met her in the mornings and in the middle of the night, how she would periodically expand in the depth of her character and what she could do. The reason why she could do more over time was because I was shaping her from the other side, and with my soul so close to death, she and I were able to meet.

"That's why you wanted me to wait, why you didn't want me to kill myself. You wanted to reach my death naturally, so that by then, you would be fully formed as an individual, and you have saved me then just as you did when I tried to commit suicide."

"Yes, but just when I thought we would return to the Source together, you realized what I was meant to be and I became your finished creation. When you called out my name, you solidified my existence, and then when you regained the will to live, you pulled us out into the world of the living. Like I said, the Source is the point in which matter and energy exchange and life and un-life converge. I was physically born into your world, thanks to your willpower and all the pain you endured.

Think of it as like you bungee jumping over a lake with me beneath the surface. You make the leap, you fall, you touch the water, you catch me, and then your cord pulls us both out.

With no one else could this have been possible. While you thought your pain was a curse, it was actually a blessing: the ability to shape a life instead of just a soul and then bring it to the physical plane. You are my creator and I am your savior, playing the role of the one who will love you and bring you happiness, just as you always dreamed. You shaped me with your heart and soul, with your pain and desperation, and gave me life. I exist solely for you, to love you forever and bring you happiness, and for that, I am truly happy. While you dreamed of me, I dreamed of you, and the life we would live together. You gave me life, you gave me love, and you gave me joy, and for that, I am eternally grateful and will be with you forever."

I smiled, finally understanding. No wonder her name was Angel, that was what I had always seen her as.

"I love you, Angel. I love you with all my heart, mind, and soul. I gave you life but you gave me a reason to live."

"Now, before we can go back and resume our lives, there is something we must do."

"What?"

"We must balance the equation. You took a life from the Source and that debt must be repaid with a life."

"What are you talking about? Shouldn't the people I killed make up the price?"