All Comments on 'Betrayal'

I liked the plot. A lot, actually. But I think this would fair a lot better in theater than as a story.

For some reason, everything was so over the top, so "on the nose", that I couldn't help but imagine every line of dialogue being delivered by an overdramatic actor on stage.

Also, it would be a lot better if you kept the POV straight. You start out with Ian's first-person POV, but then it's suddenly Ali's POV, and then there's a third-person paragraph, and then you're back to Ian's, and... none of those switches seem intentional.

Adding to OverconfidentSarcasm's comments a bit. Good plot, decent story but...a little choppy and rushed in places for lack of better explanation. And agreed firmly, remain in ONE POV at least until it's the right time to change views. Slow down, be a little subtle and let the characters develop a bit. And having said all that, please keep writing. You'll get better and there ARE stories in your head that need telling.

I agree with the previous speakers, but I also found the story simply good :)

It's YOUR story and if you want it to be over the top then please.

My "criticism" would be

If you change the POV , it would be good if you separate the paragraph ... with characters like ---- or ***

So that the difference between the views becomes "clear".

Otherwise, Ian has a bigger heart than I do ... if I was played along like this, forgiveness would be as easy

as a walk to the moon

Ali says "The purpose of language, Rescue Boy, is communication and I'm sure you understood what I meant.", and Ian replies "yes, I understood what you meant."

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An apt characterization of the story. Though the style is challenging to read, it makes perfect sense in the context of the story, and is ultimately very enjoyable. Please don’t allow the grammarians and the pedants to alter and influence your unique voice. Thanks for sharing your tale.

Contrary to the grammarian auditors below, I loved the story.

Well done, found it highly entertaining.

The outline of the story has promise, but when one character ties the whole thing together, and you find that character annoying, it's quite the uphill battle. But judging by the previous comments, it worked for others, so it may be a minority opinion.

I say this to sincerely give advice; that was nearly unreadable. You shifted from first to third, even second, person perspectives on a whim, jumped POVs without transition or signal, and even messed up the names. Not for nothing, the dialogue was pretty much poorly veiled exposition. There was a seed of a good story here, bit far too much dirt to dig through to find it.

Normally, I would have been as picky about grammatical structure as the other commenters. However, something about the plot and the story resolution just hit a chord with me. Thus, I rounded up to a 5 and want to encourage you to keep writing and improving.

Beautiful story

The grammar structure is all over the place and count me among those who comment that it works in this story. Splintered word-smithing for splintered people who share splintered limbs. Language can shatter but it can also heal. Thank you for the read.

Fan-frigging Tastic!

Good, original story. Five stars.

One of the best stories O have read GREAT GREAT GREAT (jaybee186)

I would say that Ian has bigger heart, but Ali was forcing the forgiveness, if he didn't want to see them, move on, I didn't see Ian telling her to go forgive her mom, kind of works both ways. He was letting things go on his own, I don't see why Ali couldn't see that. His parents allowed the situation to happen like her mom did, albeit, they were indirectly, they still allowed it. They were both broken souls that were both hurt by their families, yet she was forcing him to reconcile with his, but not hers, it's not a partnership, and she didn't meet him halfway either.

Groannnnnnnn

OK, I usually try to start with something positive, usually.

Get an editor.

If you have one, sack them and find one that knows the deference between first and third person.

This was close to unreadable, which was sad really as the plot was promising.

Looks like a lot of work went into this and ai appreciate your efforts. The dialogue was bit distracting - a fair amount was unnecessary (didn’t add much) and made Ali come across as hypomanic (was that the intention?).

How tf did you managed to write 30k words but don’t know how to transition pov? You’re a fucking nobody, just write regularly. Holy shit

What? Sam shows back up and it's almost immediately all good? He apologizes to her?! I don't say he shouldn't let go of the anger and hate. He should. But come on. No way would we be spending ANY time together.

Got sick of the story when Sam showed up at the computer store and Ian’s rage was directed at Ali instead of Sam. He should have unleashed his rage both verbally and physically on Sam for being an incestuous cum dumpster that destroyed two families and three marriages.

excllant story

Appreciate the work. I enjoyed it very much.

Excellent! 5 *

I really enjoyed the story, characters and most of the dialogue. You write some very funny lines. My only criticism would be the switching between 1st and 3rd person, its quite jarring sometimes.

But overall I thought it was great, look forward to your next one.

Forgiving family is always a hundred times harder than anyone else. Thanks.

Original way to develop a well used theme. Great work.

Wonderful! The dialogue, the banter is really funny; contrasting with the deep hurt carried by the characters. Made me laugh, made me cry. Well done and thank you

I think this is your best effort yet. Five stars all the way.

Unique story. Very good. Thanks.

I tried to read it but I’m sorry man, I just couldn’t get through it. I think there’s a good story in there but you desperately need an editor.

When the lovers are found and begin talking for the benefit of the reader, it is never a sign of a well written tale. Let me make the point with an example, as opposed to using the one this story provided.

'Bo walked up to the rocking camper truck, just in time to hear the groans of his wife in the throes of an orgasm. “Oh Billy Bob,” he heard his wife whimper, "how I love the feeling of your 10 inch cock, as you use it to fill my holes, like you always do. I am amazed you can fit it up my ass, which I never let my sweet husband Bo use. And we’ve been gettin away with it for 18 years. I so appreciate my loving Bo, though, I hope he never finds out how much I crave your huge donkey dick, if I lost him I’d be devastated! And you know that I sometimes fuck your dad, mom, and the neighbor next door, the neighbor, Bubba, who is Bo’s best friend, but I only do it because your mighty phallus has made me love getting plowed deeply and often. I wouldn’t have done any of this if you hadn’t drugged me the first time, but now I love it!”

Anyhow, that foible is a pet peeve of mine, and its use in this tale, though not so exaggerated, lessened my interest in reading the rest of the story.

Absolutely loved this one... More of a romance than a loving wives though... One of the best family betrayals and redemption meme tales I have come across. I hate to disagree with the other commentators but your complex conversation style works magnificently... Loved the repartee jokes, hidden innuendo's and the just plain FUN of this tale... I already had you as one of my favorite authors...and now I have yet another favorite story to go to on those cold winter nights when I am in my favorite chair sipping my favorite adult beverage before the fire...

5 stars

Nice story thx

I gave up on the first page it was so poorly written. The dialogue didn't sound anything like how people speak.

It got silly toward the end, but overall it was a very nice read. Ali was great…and whip smart! Ian never had a chance.

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The original transgression was horrible….and both sets of parents knew? How does anyone get over that?

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5 *****

I have to echo the other commentators, it was hard work to read at times. However the story you told was absolutely first rate. The characters were compelling and I did enjoy it. Damn good job.

A very well written fairy tale.

Thanks for the uplifting spirit in a genre too often depressing and sad.

Keep writing.

MLJ

Yep, there were rough spots, but the setting was rough and the plot was raw. The whole thing worked for me- liked it a lot. Thanks.

POV! "He collapsed to the floor. Oh, God, why? I thought we were so good together." - HE collapsed...I thought? You couldn't even maintain POV for an entire paragraph?

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"John peaked in the curtain" - John? I thought his name was Ian?

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"What on earth were we thinking? What on earth have we done?" - What kind of people are they that they didn't think of this when it first started?

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In two years his ex and their families honored his wishes not to contact him?

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Why is Ali wishing Sam good luck?

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"I'm sorry too. I should have listened to what you were saying." - Bullshit! No way he should be blaming himself.

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"We'll be in separate rooms at Mom's..." - Why? And since when does TSA get all worked up over a vibrator? I would have thought it was all the metal in her legs.

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"drove the hour to Ian's." - Wouldn't it be his parents'?

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Sorry, not sorry, there's no way in hell any of the family should ever be forgiven.

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Jeezus, he's an adult and doesn't understand that his parents have sex?

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"I'M PREGNANT! And... it's a girl." - Do pregnancy tests reveal the sex?

Great story with all of the good elements of fist love lost and a new love found with the healing of a good person whom had suffered her own problems and overcame them with the aid of another wounded person. Nice to see the naysayers all agreed.

Thank you for writing this. I enjoyed it.

It had promise but the reconciliations were unnecessary.

The initial premise is so damned ludicrous and utterly bizarre that everything following his discovery was pointless. The bad writing and meandering “story” line made it even worse.

I really enjoyed this story. 5 Stars from me. Great character development. Good pace. Enough emotion to grab and hold the reader. And who doesn't love a happy ending? BRB

Wonderful Story.

Could NOT finish the second page. Cripes is this what they teach in elementary school now?

I liked the story, especially the humorous parts. I do think the reconciliation wasn’t done right. You dug all the villains in SO deep! Ian would have been justified letting them die without ever forgiving them.

Don’t dig them in so deep next time if you are going for some kind of forgiveness later on. The crime or sin has to be forgivable to work. This didn’t.

Looking forward to your next effort

I liked it. I'm not as picky as some of the other commenters about some things so I just enjoyed reading it. I do agree it should of been in romance. 5stars

Sorry but forgiving his parents needed more time to heal

Well done indeed.

Enchanting, redeeming, life and the certain roads and Hope!!!

Fantastic story, well written I love the humor in it! 5*

5 stars and a follow !

I had to say that first thing just to let you know how good I thought this story is...

...one of the best LW stories I've read in a while.

I'm a sucker for the good guys winning in the end, and for a solid love to be the subject; the snark and humor woven into the story was just right, adding a bit of levity to offset the pain and the redemption of Ali and her change into a true Loving Wife brought it all full circle.

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Well done !

First this started with a badly cliched and trite title. Then I tried reading it, with the changing POVs. THEN I saw there were 7 more Liteotica pages (around 60 in the real world) of this shit. Anyone who thinks this is well written is an illiterate moron.

VERY VERY GOOD.

A little talky and in some places hard to read (as mentioned previously) but overall a really interesting story. liked it a lot!

I was so captivated by the flow of the story that I didn't even notice the changes of POV consciously, and certainly had no difficulty to adjust to them seamlessly. Only by reading the comments did I become aware of these.

Great story telling with some over the top funny dialogue. Thank you so much for an entertaining time! 5* of course.

My first comment in a decade on this site. Funny, introspective and humble; in the ranks of the best on the site. Dialogue me laugh too many times to count. Please post again in this category!

Can’t vote, no read, sorry assed prime wimp.

LOVE slap-hapy-papy#9

Eightythousandeightyfive summed it up perfectly. There's a glimmer of a good story in here, but it's overshadowed by expositional bs and trumped up self-narratives.

And the trope of the husband just so happening to catch the lovers telling the whole story of the affair while they're having sex made me almost drop the story right there.

Got to page 2 and gave up. The writing is just horrendous. 1*

Did not find it even realistic or entertaining. The banter from the hiking based on what was stated is not something that would have taken place with that kind of silliness. The whole story just wreaked of immature storyline that had no hope of getting past page 1 let alone 7 more pages of childish interaction as written. Disappointing. Hope this is not how you would normally tell a story. No chance that this would ever unfold like portrayed in real life even if the individuals were mentally unstable or extreme low IQ.

Sorry, but I couldn't finish it and quit reading on the first page. The jumping around from 3rd to 1st person narration and back again was unnerving. Punctuation was not particularly sound either. When combined with the length of 30,000 words I just couldn't deal with it. I got just past the section where she's having sex with multiple men, which in itself was not well introduced, and I stopped. You really should critically proof-read your work, or have someone do it for you. After reading the descriptor I was so hoping for a better result. Considering how little I read I chose not to formally rate this piece. Disappointing.

This is truly unreadable nonsense and just awful in every possible way. the sentences go on and on and the conversation and language between characters makes no sense at all. The conversation that occurs finding the hurt lost damsel in therly ridiculous..

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Example, she's in a great deal of pain. She hasn't eatwo days is dehydrated. And she notices a white band around his finger. When the main character has been in the woods for more than two years? Not only is it ridiculous that a woman barely alive is noticing a White Band from a wedding ring but such a mark on the finger would no longer be there after 2 years.

A truly awful idiotic badly written

The first page made me think ‘here we go again’ but then Ali showed up and that turned the rest of it into gold. No getting away from it this is 5* stuff, well done.

An enjoyable read.

I've never heard so much whine without cheese in my life.

The dialogue is very nicely done. BUT, the entire premise of forgiving ANY of his family, especially the ex-wife was way too much for me. They are all the definition of unforgivable.

IMO you should re-write this as a romance and leave the entire family out and just start out with a divorced single guy trying to trust women again...

Since I don't read to critique, I enjoyed the premise quite a lot. It was a simple story of betrayal and survival. I thought the two main characters were endearing. You will improve your writing skills as you continue to create stories. Loved it.

Kind of Hallmarkish, with all the sentiment and emotional manipulation. But unbelievable. The wife was fucking his brothers, for years, and he Had No Clue? And his parents never acted weird when they were all together? This stupid cuck must have zero instincts, perception, or power of observations. Like his brothers never patted his wife on the ass when they thought he couldn't see them. Or the parents never glowered or looked embarrassed or uncomfortable when all the fuckers were close together in the same room. And the whore or the assholes never asked each other for help down in the basement, up in a bedroom, or to take a ride together to go get something, and then gave each other "the look", or a smirk, or a wink. Yeah, every single person in his life who knew was just so perfectly clever and careful and professionally acting like nothing was wrong. And they all kept up the act for years.

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Too much of a stretch; you over did the extent and duration and extreme of the deceit. A great love story, but the setup was unbelievable. Thanks for the effort.

The end was a little weird, but loved the rest. Would like to know what became of the brothers and Sam's lives.

Story

Enjoyable, although it dragged toward the end. Real problems, frequently, telling who was talking

It slowed down the reading. Even with all the unforced errors, the humor in the tale carried my Interest. A good proofreader would really have helped this tale. Four stars from me.

JPB

I'm glad Ali's childhood was sooo terrible, at least she if she's going 5o compare traumas liks a cunt she earna the top sppt fair and square. If according to her she had to go through all that just to meet Ian then I'm glad she was gang raped as a child and her mother died Infront of her, at least she earns the right to be such a cu t to Ian

The author is not as amusing as he thinks he is. I am not normally one to complain about the length of a story, but with all the "cute" dialogue, this simply went on forever.

Not the best writing, and sometimes the thinking was hard to separate from the talking, but Ali made me smile.

The Georgia Bulldogs as the next champions didn’t age well. Ended the day you posted this story.

Holy shit that was stupid, stupid, stupid and bad. I stopped reading after page one, it was so horrible. It was written as a dark comedy, right? It had to be as I laughed my ass off throughout the first page.

Very good story! The character development of Ali alone put your writing in the top notch echelon of writers on this site.

'The long and winding road' comes to mind.

At least the Ogre arrived at a place and time he could 'accept and not pretend', hell I've not reached that place and 'I guess I never will' admit it, it surely is a 'lonely sky'. Paying heed to another thing like 'don't fly too high', resulting in 'crash boom bang' for sure. No, 'I am (not) a rock' seems fitting....As a long lost friend used to say, 'love is a misunderstanding between fools'. Amen.

Thank you,

loved the characters Ali and the Ogre. Great story

Sorry, but no coming back from that kind of betrayal.

Cute

White knight fantasy. Everything is rainbows and unicorns.

Great story and very well done. Thanks!!! 5

Virtually unreadable.

Everyone who betrayed him should have died in a fire!

ZK

Describing the MC like a whining submissive sheep ruined what could have been a good tale.

Really entertaining story. Liked it a lot.

Ed

The banter was nice.

The dramatic showdown scene, lame.

The love talk, and 90% of all women's lines being about their adoration of him, cloying.

While reading the first page of this tale, all I'm thinking is "what kind of story are we going to get about why all the friends and family know that Sam is banging both brothers and nobody bothers to tell Ian. I was sure it was going to be a whopper of a reason. Then all we get was 'yeah, everybody knew about it and just hoped they would stop'.

Really? That's it? Certainly then sounds like a "family" worth leaving far behind.

Ali's youth was ruined by the "adults" around her. She deserves a shot at a decent life after all the abuse. Of course the misogynists' that hang around LW stories will still find a way to blame her for her sad life.

The Ali/Ian saga is kind of Hallmarkish with bad words and sex added. I could wish them well in their life but going back to and embracing the broken family, even without Sam and the brothers is a hard no for me. No way to forgive that nasty bunch after they treated Ian like roadkill.

Good story but a bit longer than it needed to be

Excellent story well written.

The way his concerns are dismissed as “all that man shit” is insulting AF!!! His entire family betrayed him and he is entitled to whatever level of rage he deems necessary!!! If he decides they never warrant contact of any sorts again then she should shut TFU and respect that! This is just another story of how ‘women know best’. News Flash: they don’t!

Men…you are absolutely entitled to feel however TF you want to feel! If you feel like your family wronged you so badly they warrant total ghosting then so be it! And any woman who claims to know better; calls you an ogre for having feelings; etc, lose her!!!

Absolutely fantastic!

I really like your writing style.

an easy 5

I'm torn on how to feel about this story. Well written although a bit overly long,imo.However the storyline well thought out and the back story and character development are good,especially in the case of Ali. Now for the negative side. Personally the forgiveness of Sam and all of the parents were a NO for me. That deep of betrayal cuts far too deeply,as the writer even expressed. So for me all involved would have been dead to me with no forgiveness. There were a couple of places where I lost who was talking as the paragraph construction was a bit awkward. Overall a respectable and enjoyable story. Just missed 5 stars.

I love your writing style. Looking forward to reading more of your stories 5 stars from Xluckylee

Outstanding story with just the right amount on emotional turmoil. Thanks for a 5 star effort

The dialogue reads like a campy, C-Rate movie. If you just imagine C-List actors delivering the dialogue this story delivers the unintentional comedy that terrible C-Rate movies do.

I tried, I really did. The confrontation was just too much to overcome. You're writing style is decent, and some of the aspects of the story are fine as well, but the dialogue on page 1 (the betrayal) and the dialogue for the confrontation two years later is just TERRIBLE. The way that the characters talk and act is just...just NO.

First we'll deal with page 1: People that cheat for YEARS, and those that cover it up for years don't give a flying fuck about the poor sucker that's getting cheated on, so remorse is NOT the reaction they're going to have, so the reactions and dialogue on page one is utter nonsense.

The confrontation: two years later Sam's reaction is fine, it's Ali's. She thinks that Ian should help Sam after what he did? Sorry, but no ,no, NO. That's a totally ridiculous reaction and line of thinking, so much so it ruins the story.

YES, this is fiction, so things can be made up. However, the one thing that authors can NOT stray too far on is how humans act and feel when faced with situations. In both scenarios I described above, you lost sight of that, and really ruined your story as a result.

Sure, Sam and Ian's family can think about what they did to Ian and feel bad about it months and years after he finds out but right at the moment he finds out? Not a chance in hell. If they actually thought about Ian's feelings or cared, the cheating would have never gone on for years like it did. THAT is why your dialogue on page 1 is ridiculous. Ali sticking up for Sam is equally ridiculous.

Your writing has potential, but you need to think more about how someone in real life would react to situations, and not stray too far from it. A good example of fiction is what we see in BTB stories. While in real life the victim of cheating isn't going to actually do any of the over the top crap that we see here on LW, people do THINK about doing it. They simply don't because 20 to life is a shitty option. The BTB however DOES follow human emotion in regards to how those that get cheated on actually FEEL. Again, stray from how humans act at your own peril.

Two damaged people find each other and fall in love and help bring each other back to life. Very very good. Since I was a damaged person.