- Non-Erotic Poetry
- A Daughter's Villanelle
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Click hereHow did she survive the empty chair
the noons that inch to eventide
the atoms' screams in quiet air
a roommate's sighs the aides who stare
but none who knew her at her side
how did she survive the empty chair
while wondering at who might care
the flat smile of a photo bride
the atoms' screams in quiet air
the cards balloons the proxy fare
of not enough and will collide
how did she survive the empty chair
callous time will even wear
a stone away thus we've eroded cried
the atoms' screams in quiet air
in rooms where no one hears your prayer
yet pull you slowly with the tide
how did she survive the empty chair
the atoms' screams in quiet air
- COMMENTS
twelveooneover 13 years agoA further comment. My reading of this:
"the atoms' screams in quiet air"
evokes the empty passage of time (w/o the ticking of clocks), at the end of a life.
Overdone, maybe, but compares favorably with Dylan Thomas's "Do not go gently..."
In my opin., Ang. wins.
re punctuation:
the cards balloons the proxy fare
putting it in loses ambiguity, and one reading it gives added strength to the atoms screams.
PoetGuyover 13 years agois how Poet Guy would describe this. Problems: Well, lack of punctuation, which oftentimes is not a problem, seems to Poet Guy to be a problem here, quite obviously to him in this S:
while wondering at who might care
the flat smile of a photo bride
the atoms' screams in quiet air
Surely there needs to be some commas here for sense.
Poet Guy would also echo complaints about "the atoms' screams in quiet air". Not, he thinks, Angeline's best ever line. Meant, he supposes, to evoke the paranoid '50s, but a little overdone, perhaps.
Overall, a pretty good poem, a little overdone. Even a bit elegant, given the usual standards of Literotica.
Angeline is much better than the usual standards of Literotica, and this poem is close to being much better than etc.
But in Poet Guy's opinion, it is not quite there yet.
Just his opinion, though.
bogusagainover 13 years agoFor me 'atoms scream in the quiet air' is something of a hurdle. I'm in the flow of the poem, I'm being drawn in on your line and I'm bumped over the the hurdle. I'm not sure if that line is so significant to the poem but it stops me enjoyng another wise really enjoyable poem. If enjoyable is the right word for the subject. The rest of the poem works wonderfully for me and without that line or with it modified, it would be perfect.
