Who is 'Mr Who'?

Chapter 1

Beaten and bleeding profusely, Drystan Boland was left to die on the roadside.

His two attackers who swooped into his remote campsite at night, took everything: his camping gear, his Jeep and even stripped him down to his underpants.

Regaining consciousness, he lurched along the rise to the country roadside and fell back into unconsciousness.

Hours later, or so he assumed, he awoke in a seemingly sterile environment. An unattractive face hovered over him.

"Are you awake Mr Who?"

Drystan thought of saying wrong guy but his head wouldn't lift, his tongue felt thick and "Ooh," he groaned.

He felt busted.

The ugly apparition hovering said something like, "This won't hurt, it will make you..."

He groaned, thinking there was nothing that wasn't hurting, was there?

A fuzzy white cloud rolled in and he thought he was smiling.

"Mr Who, Mr Who. You must wake up. Doctor is coming to examine your concussion."

It was Miss Unattractive hovering over him only she didn't look quite so ugly this time. More like chubby and dressed in white. Where was he?

"Where the fuck am I?"

"Oh, Mr Who. We can do without that extra word, thank you."

What extra word was that?

"You're in the Charters' Mercy Hospital. A Miss DeLuca brought you in badly hurt. That was two days ago. All we know is that you are a white male, about thirty and arrived in only a pair of white Paul Smith underpants size 34."

"Who's Paul Smith?"

"Owner of the company who designed and manufactured your underpants, I would imagine."

"Never heard of him. Mom buys my underpants. Have I been here in a coma for two years?"

"No, why?"

"You said I was thirty. I think I'm twenty-eight."

"You've been here two days. Thirty was our assessment of your age. Lie still and don't move. Doctor cometh."

"Why did Miss de whatever you said, inquired me?"

There was no reply.

Well, he was Drystan Boland on a camping vacation and didn't know this Mr Who fellow. What a strange name.

His eyes had cleared, the nurse looked marginally better than ugly and by the way she suddenly jumped to attention, obviously the doctor had 'cometh'.

Had he been captured by a sect preying on travellers to remove body parts for use to fend off witches?

"Good morning, err, Mr Who."

"Good morning Doctor Cometh."

"Who?"

"Good morning Doctor."

"Oh, hi. Does this hurt?"

"Oh fuck!"

"Well answered. That's the feel from five broken ribs. Four weeks and you'll be flexing them only slightly tenderly and two weeks later or thereabouts you will be chasing Nurse Cumberland here."

"I rather think not."

"Well. take eight weeks to heal and contemplate about why are have lost your interest in chasing females."

Drystan knew he had a question to ask and suddenly he remembered. "Why can't I move my head?"

"We thought you had a broken neck. Your head is in a temporary brace. It will be removed later today. You mainly received cracked ribs, lacerations, severe bruising and suffered concussion from a head blow.

You received deep lacerations to the right side of your skull and trauma to neck ligaments. It would appear you were hit with a thick piece of wood. A surgical clinician removed wood splinters. You appear to be been kicked in the head and in the ribs but we cannot tell in what order."

"Does that matter?"

"No. Well you seem to be talking coherently despite concussion."

Doctor Whoever conducted some basic reaction tests and said, "Hmmm."

"Is that your way of saying you don't know?"

"Yes, very good. Mr Who."

"It's Drystan Boland actually, aged twenty-eight and I have shadow imagines of a woman. It could be my girlfriend or my mother. I live with my mother, I think."

"But not at the moment."

"Not at the moment I shouldn't think."

"Quite. Hmm."

"Is it terminal?"

"I don't think so. Why are you in Central Otago?"

"Where's that?"

"I see. Until this afternoon then."

Drystan yawned and that hurt his ribs and extended his headache.

"Why are you returning this afternoon?"

"To remove your neck brace."

"What neck brace?"

The doctor retreated without replying.

Nurse Cumberland stuck something into the tube that was delivering fluid or blood, perhaps there were two of them, into his system.

"I need to pee."

"Fire away via your catheter.

"What's a..."

The white fog rolled in and he suddenly saw a vision of Nurse Cumberland in the nude, beckoning him. It was not a good look...

Drifting somewhere between sleep and goodness knows where, Drystan saw two guys approaching. The big guy had a beer gut hanging over his blue jeans and was wearing horse riding boots and his dirty brown hair looked unwashed and the sunlight glinted off his gold belt buckle. The smaller guy looked evil and had a goatee beard that ensured he looked even more evil He wore a dirty white Stetson.

"Welcome, join me for coffee," Drystan heard himself say. "Only one tin mug I'm afraid. You'll have to share it. He stood up; ready to protect himself if threatened but the big guy smiled broadly and said, "That's mighty neighbourly of you stranger. We were just dropping in to see if you were okay? Not many people camp in the open at this time of year, with the snows only two months off, perhaps sooner."

Drystan relaxed and squatted to pick up the coffee pot from the embers. He turned just in time to see the big guy swinging a big piece of wood at his head and the little guy a little behind the attacker grinning through yellow teeth.

A while later, he had no idea how much later, guys were unwinding screws on the side of his head, at least that was the wrong end to be undergoing castration.

He heard Nurse Cumberland snort, "Don't you dare hurt him, Doctor."

Good for Nurse Cumberland, the sweetie.

Later he heard Nurse Cumberland say, "He's making progress Miss DeLuca."

That's all he heard. He recalled after thinking, are you pretty with lovely chest bubbles Miss Whatever?"

Later he had another vision, this one was a little clearer and he had a feeling it was not unfamiliar. A dark-hair woman with a white face and very black sunglasses loomed over him.

"Oh dammit, you're too heavy I can't lift you any further. Oh Christ, you'll bleed to death, I can't stop the flow. Oh Christ."

Through the haze he figured the woman had managed to lift him over the end of her pick-up truck. He attempted to push with his feet and knives slashed through his chest.

He groaned.

"Oh, thank God. I'm ... DeLuca. Assist me to lift you into me vehicle."

"Can't, ribs."

"Oh God, more injuries."

"Tie a rope to my wrists and tie that end around one of the ropes ties up front on the outside of the tray. Loop another rope around my legs and pass it over the top of me and attach the other end of the rope to a tie bracket on the far side of the tray. That will keep my legs clear of the ground."

"I can't, I have no rope."

"Use my shirt to tie my arms and use your underskirt to loop my legs."

The image faded, the woman looking close to hysterics.

Drystan awoke to find two nurses working on his body, both dressed as if working in a chicken slaughterhouse, wearing rubber aprons and long gloves.

The young blond woman working at his groin appeared into view. From what he saw in the tilted mirror above her head, she appeared to have her hands working under a piece of cloth covering.

"Ooh, he has sizeable balls."

The nurses giggled.

He complained, "Where is my Nurse Cumberland?"

The older nurse nearest him greeted him by name and said it was pleasing he'd remembered Nurse Cumberland's name. "Your memory is slowly returning."

"Where's it been?"

That seemed to confuse her.

"We are giving you a bed bath," said the blonde with hair that spilled from under her cap. "We are the day shift, the good-looking nurses come out at daylight."

"If you think my balls are big Blondie, you should take a look at your tits."

Blondie almost fell into her washbowl.

"Good for you Mr Boland. Nurse Jones is in breach of our charter to ensure we preserve patient dignity. I shall report her if you wish?"

"Not if she will flash her pussy at me."

"Mr Boland!"

Blondie who was about to place her washbowl on to the trolley dropped it on to the floor.

"That could have been meant at a joke but here's hoping. I apologise."

The red-faced Blondie said humbly, "Thank you Mr Boland" and dropped to her hands and knees to mop up the water.

"Mr Boland," whispered the senior nurse. "We also have a Patient's Personal Charter. Being personal with comments to hospital personal, even in jest, is discouraged, and I would imagine the word you just used is on the notional list of banned words."

"Notional."

"Used in the sense you automatically know what is a no-no word."

"What about clit, vulva and..."

The senior nurse moved swiftly to place a finger across his lips. "Definitely not that disgusting word Mr Boland," she said severely. "I wonder why I have the distinct feeling you are likely to be a real handful?"

Drystan eyed her impressive chest.

"That's the handful I had in mind."

She giggled.

"Please don't encourage me to report you for sexual innuendoes. It could result in male nurses being assigned to your care and as you know that many of them are gay."

Drystan groaned and felt he'd turned white.

"Oh Mr Boland, I have no wish to terrorize you," said the senior nurse, leaning over him to check his head bandage.

"Sneak a wee feel of my boobs if you wish. Use your left arm as your right arm will pull muscles over your damaged ribs."

Drystan made a pathetic attempt.

"I begin night duty on Sunday, Mr Boland," she whispered. "Perhaps I could allow you to try then. It's our duty to keep our patients exercising muscles wherever possible."

"Yeah, I know one muscle that could benefit."

"Mr Boland, you are so naughty."

That afternoon, a guy about six feet six tall dressed in blue except for his brown boots and with white hair under his Stetson curling on to his shoulders, greeted Drystan as Mr Boland so Drystan, with the mirror now gone and his back and head propped up by the adjustable bed, grinned.

"Mr DeLuca?"

"Good guess son, how did you know?"

"By your lips, penetrating eyes and hairline shape at your forehead. Very much like the woman who saved me."

"Ah yes, my daughter Shannon."

"Oh, lovely name."

"Here son, put this out of sight where you can reach it," Mr DeLuca, said, handing over a silver flask. It's the real thing, Scotch."

"Thank you, sir."

"Friends call me Earl."

"Will Shannon come to see me, Earl?"

The visitor hesitated and then said, "Listen son, this is nothing against you. She just doesn't like men after what happened about a year ago."

"Attacked?"

"Yes, sexually assaulted and knocked about. I would have dealt with them severely but there were no clues to follow as the police have found."

"How foul. I'm so sorry Earl."

"It's not your fault son. It was a surprise she stopped to pick you up under the circumstances. She took a quick look after trussing you up. She found a piece of wood she thought was used to club you and I've handed that to the police. She also found tire marks and peg marks where you camped and then found a coffee pot tossed into the creek. The police are here with me son but I've asked that I visit you first to break that news gently. You've had a rough time. They also want you to look at some mugshots of known recent offenders."

"That's very kind of you Earl. I'll do my best but my memory is still foggy. Apart from knowing my name and being on a camping vacation through Central Otago, I know little else except that I live with my mom, but where that is, I have no idea. At present with my defective memory and no ID, I'm a nobody. The cops will probably arrest me for being a guy being a drifter without possessions.

"Don't worry Drystan, you are under my patronage. The hospital wants you to stay here until Monday. I can collect you around noon and you'll stay with me. My wife Sarah and Shannon will look after your comfort. Doc Cassidy will call each day to dress your head wound and to monitor your memory improvement. You did take a fair whack apparently."

"But why, why are you doing this?"

"Two women travellers, we don't know who they were, found Shannon on the roadside about a mile from where you were found. They brought her to this hospital and then just disappeared. The folk at Admissions were busy calling folk and didn't notice the two young women leave. They were supposed to have spoken with Southland accents, you known the supposedly southern drawl. The police could find no trace of them, which was unfortunate because I would have rewarded them for what they did for Shannon. She really was in a mess."

"And now she's been the Good Samaritan and you are being my patron at her request."

"Yes, that's right," Earl said, scratching the back of his head. That's exactly it, you are a smart thinker. What do you work at?"

When Drystan looked at him blankly, Earl sighed and patted Drystan's arm. "Don't fret son, we'll get you fully recovered. Perhaps it may do Shannon some good to be around a person worst off than her. Doc Cassidy referred her to a specialist and he says mentally she'd improved greatly mentally, but she's not ready yet to leave it all behind her."

"Earl, I remember some things, many things in fact but not specific things, if you know what I mean. I don't seem to remember where Central Otago is although the name sounds familiar and that hat you are wearing is called a Stetson and amazingly to me, I had a vision during a drugged sleep on my second day here.

"Your daughter's face, that loomed right over me and she appeared very distressed when she couldn't lift me all the way into her vehicle and I distinctly recalled telling her what to do. I told her to tie my hands to one of the rope tie brackets on the outside of the tray, using my shirt for that and using her underskirt to tie my feet up to the cargo box rope hook and then she could drive off with my feet clear of the roadway."

"That's all you remember, isn't it? Shannon said you fell unconscious again."

"Well, Drystan, you were left just in your underpants so there was no shirt to tie you to the side of the cargo box. She tore up her skirt to tie your feet up. And tied one end of her bra around your wrists and tied the other end to a tie-down hook. At the hospital they gave her a blanket to put around herself while she waited for the police to arrive."

"She put herself through that for me?"

"We're very proud of her Drystan. I'll fetch the cops in now."

The two policemen shook their heads as they left.

The only new information they had was the assault victim's name and confirmation that he was on a camping holiday.

Looking at images of possible suspects on a laptop, Drystan thought he recognized the little punk who watched him being hit but something was telling him to say nothing.

"No, they are not known to me, none of them. Do you have mugshots of babes?"

The cops grinned and left after thanking him politely.

"At least you have nothing to worry about," Earl said, also leaving.

That comment of course left Drystan worrying about not having anything to worry about.

On Sunday night, Senior Nurse Allen arrived at Drystan's bed and she to him she was 'doing her rounds' and would call back later. She said he looked much improved and said to call her Jenni, but only when no one else was around.

Drystan had fallen asleep twice and was just about to nod off again when there was a rustle alongside his bed and from the low-level night lighting, he was able to confirm it was Jenni.

"Do you still want your little treat?"

"Oh, yes."

"I shouldn't be doing this as I'm about to become engaged to my boyfriend."

Drystan thought she needed a confidence boost so asked, "It's for my own good, isn't it, I mean as a patient?"

"Oh yes, definitely." said Jenni, undoing the top of her uniform and whispering she was wearing a front-fastening bra to make it easier for him. She unfastened it and out popped a lovely-shaped breast as far as Drystan could see in the gloom.

He stroked it and when he cupped it, Jenni pushed forward and he gently took the nipple into his mouth. He flicked his tongue and was conscious of her accelerating rate of breathing. Oh, he was a lucky guy, he thought, and not at all surprised that he'd remembered what to do with a woman.

Well, it would be the last thing a guy would forget, right?"

As he pulled away from the breast, her mouth came down on to his lips and they kissed long and softly. She lifted herself partly on to the bed gingerly to avoid pulling his rib cage muscles.

She pulled his left arm down to her groin, after pulling up the bottom of her uniform and he moved his hand forward until the felt the outline of her vulva, ignoring the pain from his cracked ribs.

He opened his lips and her tongue dropped in but as he went to lift aside her panties she pulled away and said, 'No, I'm sorry but no."

A distant buzzer sounded. She kissed his lips briefly and was gone.

Drystan was rather surprised that she'd been more generous than she initially indicated, sighed and his left hand on the stronger side of his body reached for his erection.

In the early hours of Monday morning, Jenni presented him with a breast and they kissed immediately and he worked on arousing the nipple by gentle rubbing. He attempted to run his fingers into her pussy but Jenni was firm about that. He resumed sucking the breast and soon she was almost panting.

"I'll give you a hand job if you require release," she murmured.

It was so unexpected.

"Throw the bed clothes back," he said hoarsely and she squirmed in apology and explained she would feel she'd betrayed her boyfriend if she sucked Drystan.

Drystan said that was fine, he's thought it might be like that and she sounded pleased in thanking him for being such a lovely man and scampered around the bed to keep away from his injured ribs.

She half lay on the bed so that she was able to kiss him while stroking him and had both boobs out to give Drystan a choice. Eventually she began moaning in frustration and Drystan made the connection, that his mind was improving: he became aware she was within an ace of her climbing up to fuck him but it was not to be. She kissed him deeply and went off groaning.

He called Jenni and she returned to hear him apologise.

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

Jenni cried, mortified. "No, you are not to blame; I've been such a big tease,"

"Nah, going that far you've made me the happiest guy in the hospital; nay, in the entire city," he chuckled.

She giggled and said yes, it was for his own good, wasn't it?

Next morning, about to go off duty, Jenni arrived and after a quick check up and down the corridor darted in and kissed him goodbye.

"There's finality in that goodbye."

"Yes."

He remained puzzled and Jenni said he was being discharged at noon into the home care of Mr DeLuca, a wealthy rancher.

"Oh yes." Drystan reached out for another kiss and thanked Jenni for bringing back his memory about being discharged that day, for looking after him so well and he wished her a very happy married life. She darted out, wiping at her eyes.

At noon, Earl arrived with an orderly and wheelchair. Drystan was wearing a hospital gown and a dressing gown.

Earl looked at the patient and sighed. "I forget you were left with nothing."

As they left the ward, Blondie came after them waving something white.

"Mr Boland, your underpants."

She said to Earl, "Excuse me sir but I must do this: he's so cute," kissing Drystan on the forehead.

When Drystan was aboard the SUV, sitting gingerly and with a hand under the seatbelt to hold it out a bit so it offered no pressure against his broken ribs, Earl thanked the orderly who'd assisted them and took his seat behind the wheel.