Understanding

My love, my only, my one and true…

I love you so much, and I don’t know what’s going on inside your head. I don’t even know what’s going on in my head. I don’t know anything anymore. I’ve never been so helpless in my life, I don’t think, nor so miserable.

I love you so much. I need you, but I don’t need you, but I want you. Do you understand? I want you so bad that I feel that I need you. I want you beside me, I want you in my arms, and I want myself in your arms. I want in your life, I want in your future, I want in your mind and in your heart and in your head more than I want anything. I yearn for you. I ache for you. I want you. But maybe I don’t need you.

You seem to accuse me of being dependant on you. You say that I think I need you but that I don’t. So maybe I don’t need you. What does that mean? That doesn’t mean anything. I don’t need you, I can live without you, I wouldn’t die or cease to exist if you walked out of my life forever, but I don’t want that to happen. I know what I want, and I want you.

Scare you as it does, I want to marry you. I know with every fiber in my body that I want to be with you. I want to be with you now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and next millennia. I want to be with you for my eternity, for my forever. I want to be together. I want it to be us.

You don’t want to marry me. You don’t see me in your future. Okay. What does that mean? Does that mean that I can turn off my wants and desires for you? Does that mean that I can flip the switch in my brain and say, hey, he doesn’t want you, get over him? No. There’s nothing like that. I’m heartbroken right now, sick to my stomach. All I want to do is cry and sleep, sleep and cry, but I can’t. I have to go to work and be around people, pretend to be happy, watch the clock and count the minutes until I can see you again. Oh, god, it hurts so bad. And I don’t know how to fix it.

There’s no way to fix the way I feel. I’m broken, broken. I feel like I’ve been squashed like a bug, I feel about that tall. I don’t know anything anymore. Not that I ever really knew anything. But I felt as though I knew that next week we’d be together. Next week, next month, and next year. That’s what I knew. Now I don’t know anything. Every time I see you, all I can think is fear. Fear that you’re going to open your mouth and say it’s still not working. And the worst part is that I thought it was. I was happy. I was content. Everything was so perfect. I thought I knew. And this whole time you’ve been miserable with me?

I don’t understand how this could happen. I confided in a friend at work and she suggested that a relationship is based on communication, and if we didn’t communicate well enough for you to tell me before that our relationship wasn’t working, the obviously it wasn’t working. That seems like backwards logic to me, but I don’t know anything. She said I should pray to a higher power, and I didn’t bother telling her that I didn’t believe in any. It’s you and me, and we’re alone in this.

We’re alone together, and I don’t know anything. I feel like more of a burden than ever. Now I fear that every time I need help, you’ll resent me. I fear that every time I’m sad, you’ll resent me. Everything needs to be perfect for me to keep you, but I can’t make it perfect. I can’t do anything. I can’t touch anything. I can’t feel anything. All I feel is pain inside and hurt and yes distrust.

You’ve never done anything to make me think that I couldn’t trust you. Never. It’s not your fault that now all I can think of are scary things that could be happening. I know you say you have no one else but all I can picture is you and Jen together, happy. All I can think of is what could have happened when you saw her again. All I can think of are the girls that you spend most of your time with, the girls you’re happy to see. And all I can think of is calling home last night and your listless voice, coming home and not getting any greeting. Coming home and not knowing whether you wanted to see me or not. Sitting in the living room waiting for you to make the next move because I was too afraid that you would push me away.

I’m so scared.

I’m scared that for the rest of my life I’m going to be unhappy. I’m scared that I’m going to lose you. I’m afraid that every morning I’m going to look over, and be grateful that you didn’t leave me during the night. I want to be able to sleep without nightmares of your loathing, but instead of dreams of love, safe in your arms. I don’t want to be alone, but I definitely don’t want to be without you.