The Roommate from Hell

"If only you knew, Fran," Carrie said as she stood up and collected up her keys from her desk.

They joined a few of the other Cloverton Annex women for the walk to dinner, and Carrie was delighted to join in the small talk about anything except men and biology. It was a typical chilly late March evening, with at least a hint of the sun still out for a nice change, and they beat the rushes to the dining hall as planned. Carrie was busying herself at the salad bar when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

She turned to see a vaguely familiar face. "Hi, you're Carrie, aren't you?" asked the other woman.

"Yes," Carrie said. Then she smiled as she placed the face. "Rebbie, isn't it? Hi! Rob's told me so much about you!"

"I'll bet he has," Rebbie said. "Look, I don't want to be rude or anything, but I just want you to know Rob is my friend, no matter what he might've told you about me, and I care about him."

"Well, of course..."

"Yes, Carrie, of course. I have no designs on him myself, I'm in love with my boyfriend Mark, but Rob is our best friend and we don't want to see him hurt, okay?"

Carrie's heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. Did Rebbie know? If so, didn't that mean Rob must know too? Carrie opened her mouth to say something, but her voice died in her throat.

"Just tell me you really do have feelings for Rob, would you?" Rebbie said. "He's a really sensitive guy and he's had to put up with some really unfair stuff this year."

"You mean Jerrod," Carrie said.

"Yes, of course I do," Rebbie said. "Jerrod treats him like shit, and I'm afraid he had an unrequited crush last semester, too."

"On you!"

"I can't help that!" Rebbie snapped. "I went as easy on him as I could. I just don't want to see him get hurt again, okay?"

"Neither do I, but our relationship is none of your business!"

"If you hurt him, I'll make it my business," Rebbie said. Then she gave Carrie her patented tilt of the head and grin -- what Rob had once called 'the Southern belle's fuck-you' -- and spun on her heel to march back to the table she was sharing with Mark, who gave Carrie an apologetic look as she watched in outraged silence.

"Did Rob ask you to do that?" Mark asked as soon as Rebbie had plopped down across from him.

"He's too nice of a guy to ask," Rebbie said. "That's why I had to do it. Let me know if you see Jerrod, I need a word with him, too."

Mark opted not to tell her when Jerrod did appear at the soda fountain a few minutes later. But he did let a smirk slip, which led Rebbie to turn around. "Thanks a lot," she said, standing up.

"Rebbie, Rob doesn't need you fighting his battles!" Mark protested. But Rebbie was off to confront Jerrod.

When she got close, she saw he had a black eye. It took every ounce of resolve not to ask about it. "Jerrod?" she said. "A word?"

"Rob's not here," Jerrod said. "And he'll keep it that way if he knows what's good for him. You need to tell him to grow a sense of humor."

"I'm not looking for him. I want to talk to you about him."

"I've got nothing to say about that asshole," Jerrod said. "Look what he did to me when all I did was play one little joke on him!"

"I know about your jokes, Jerrod. You think he didn't tell me about what you almost did to the rose I gave him for his birthday?" Rebbie couldn't help herself.

"I didn't touch it! I just wanted to get another perspective on it!"

"By holding an open pair of scissors right up to it? How does that give you a new perspective?! And what if your fingers had slipped?"

"They didn't," Jerrod said. "And it's none of your business."

"Yes it is, Jerrod. Rob's my friend, and I care about him, and you're doing real damage, okay? You've got to stop abusing him."

"Abusing him?!" Jerrod slammed his glass of pop down on his tray, hard enough to slosh the sticky liquid onto his fingers. "Look at my eye! Who's abusing who?!"

"What was the joke this time?" Rebbie demanded. "Blasting Beethoven when he was trying to sleep? Taking stuff off his desk and making him think he'd lost it?"

"Oh, all I did was try to stick his hand in a glass of water while he was napping."

"All you did? You tried to make him pee himself?! What if he did that to you?"

"My time is a lot more precious than his! He knows better than to bother me while I'm sleeping."

"Jerrod, all I'm saying is, he used to be your friend and you're treating him horribly. Think about that."

"I'd prefer not to." And he walked off with his tray, leaving Rebbie glaring at him from behind.

Unbeknownst to Rebbie, she was also on the receiving end of just as icy a glare. Carrie, nestled among her floormates, had seen the whole exchange. Unable to have heard a word of it, she could only guess what her two nemeses had been talking about. But it wasn't hard to guess.

She had told Rob that, yes, he could call her on Sunday. An hour or so after dinner, he did. Carrie had calmed down somewhat, but was still rather suspicious and not at all sure she ought to answer the phone.

Answer, though, she did. "Hi!" she said more cheerfully than she felt.

"Hi there!" came Rob's voice. "You sound surprised!"

"Sorry, of course I knew you'd call," Carrie said, and it was true -- far truer than her certainty that she'd really wanted him to. "I had such a nice time the other night."

"Me too," he said. "I've been looking forward to this, but didn't want to rush things, you know?"

"Very thoughtful of you," Carrie said. "Listen, I'm glad you called, but...there's something I think we need to talk about in person."

"Is everything okay?"

There was no use in denying it. "No, Rob, it isn't. How soon can you come over here?"

"I'm at the library," he said. "Ten minutes?"

"I'll put on some tea."

Carrie didn't mark the time, but Rob ran all the way and got there in quite a bit less than ten minutes. He arrived at her door looking scared to death. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Carrie ushered him inside and shut the door. "I'm going to ask you one thing, and I promise I won't take it out on you no matter what the answer is, but I want you to be totally honest with me."

"You saw Jerrod, didn't you?"

"What?" Carrie exclaimed. "I mean, yes, I saw him at dinner, but --"

"He asked for it, Carrie! I've never been a violent person in my life, but he asked for it like you can't imagine. No one can. No one on this campus knows what an asshole he can be!"

"Oh yes I can, but that's not what I wanted to ask!" Carrie could have kicked herself for letting that slip out, but it was too late. Privately, she envied Rob for being able to say he'd given Jerrod a black eye. "No. Look. One question, and I can't tell you exactly what it's about, but maybe you already know."

"I have no idea," Rob said. "And you're scaring me, Carrie. What's wrong?"

Carrie took both his hands in hers and looked him in the eye. "Do you know anything about the exam?"

"What exam?"

"Good answer," Carrie allowed, though she wasn't entirely sure she believed him. "The bio exam, this Friday."

"Oh, of course," Rob said. "That's probably why Jerrod's been so obnoxious this week. He always gets worse when he's stressed out."

"I believe that."

"And I know you've got a lot riding on it too, with that award," Rob added. Chancing a smile, he added, "You know who I'm rooting for!"

Carrie let go of hands and blinked back tears. "How could I have doubted you?" She grabbed a tissue from her desk and dabbed at her eyes.

"Doubted me about what?"

She took a deep breath. "Rob, I'm sorry, but I can't tell you. Yet. You'll probably find out soon."

"Okay," he said, and sensing she'd welcome it, he hugged her. "If there's anything I can do in the meantime..."

"You can stay here and study with me, so I know you and Jerrod aren't beating the daylights out of one another."

Rob laughed. "It's a deal!" He took his history book out of his backpack and settled himself at the foot of her bed, while Carrie soon had her notes rearranged around her at the other end. They read in companionable silence, here a pen scratching notes down on paper, there a sharp sigh at a frustrating point, every now and again someone walking by in the hall, for hours.

Neither of them looked at the clock, Rob not wanting to think of the inevitable time he'd have to go another round with Jerrod in their room, Carrie aware that every moment brought her closer to the exam and the moment of truth. Every now and then she did sneak a peek over at Rob, lost in the French Revolution, yet right there with her and happy to be so. Carrie was as delighted as she was frustrated now -- somehow this just had to work out!

All at once she had an idea, and she could have kicked herself for not thinking of it sooner: just tell Rob what was going on, and fake the breakup after the exam! Then, just as quickly, she realized it wasn't safe to come clean to Rob just yet -- then he'd think she was just using him in the first place. And what if, despite his protestations, he really was in with Jerrod on this? They had, after all, been friends once, and what did she really know about the roommate situation? It looked like Rebbie might be wrapped up in it too.

If she couldn't trust Rob, Carrie wondered, how could she possibly be falling in love with him? But with her entire future in the hands of his one-time friend...

When she felt like crying again, Carrie instead got up and shut the door. "Time for a studybreak" she declared, feigning utter confidence. "Stand up."

"What for?" Rob asked, though he did get up.

Carrie flipped her stereo on. "I've been on kind of a Tom Waits kick since the other night," she explained. As the opening strains of "Martha" filled the little room, she held out her hand. "Dance with me?"

"I'd love to," Rob said. "I don't know this one," he said as they swayed gently together.

"It's his first album," she said. "Maybe he'd only smoked five million cigarettes back then."

Rob burst out laughing and tightened his embrace delightfully, and Carrie returned the favor. Their eyes met as the laughter died down, and Rob kissed her cheek gingerly. She turned to meet his lips, and slowly their dance melted into stillness as they kissed.

For a wonderful moment, neither of them worried about Jerrod. Carrie welcomed Rob's hands all up and down her back, and wrapped her arms tightly around his. After a few minutes, she pulled him gently down onto the bed, where he didn't seem to mind falling onto his history book, which he shoved out of the way without a care. Carrie rubbed his chest with both her hands, and felt her breasts itching for him to caress them. After a tentative wait, he did.

"Is that okay?" he whispered.

"Yes!" It was that and then some, for several more minutes.

She welcomed his increasingly bold caresses at first, but when she felt his fingers slip into her jeans for the first time, she pulled back. "I'm sorry, Rob, I can't. I just can't do it tonight."

"Okay." Rob backed off, disappointed but respectful. "It is a bit soon anyway, isn't it?"

"Well, it's not...I mean, yes," Carrie said. "Yes it is. I'm really sorry, Rob."

"Don't be," Rob said. "If you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. Totally cool."

"But I do want to," Carrie said. "I just...it's not a good time now."

"The exam and the award," Rob said with a knowing nod. "Hey, I want you to win, too."

"Thanks." Carrie got up off the bed to retrieve her notebook from the floor. "I know there's nothing sexier than a bio exam, huh?"

Rob laughed. "Well, you know, I've always had this theory that bio majors are the best in bed, because they know more about how our bodies work."

"Wow, I've never thought of, that!" Carrie was laughing too now. In a sultry voice she intoned, "Hey babe, how's your spermatic cord doing?"

"Spermatic cord?" Rob asked. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Probably," Carrie said. "It's what provides blood flow to the testicles."

"Got it," Rob said. "Yeah, it's swell. How's your left ovary these days?"

"Better than last week anyway. My cramps were...ah, sorry, you don't want to hear about that!"

"It's a fact of life," Rob said. "I don't mind if you don't mind. I hope they weren't too bad."

"They're worse when I'm stressed out," Carrie said. Then she laughed again. "So much for bio majors being sexier, huh?"

"Wow, nothing I can say here that isn't going to sound mushy," Rob said.

"What's wrong with mushy?"

"Nothing, in my opinion. I'm a major-league sap, actually."

"Then that's another thing we have in common," Carrie said, casting a longing look over him from head to toe and trying to forget what she wanted to be doing with him right now. But she mustn't, not knowing what might well lay in store.

She burst into tears of rage, giving Rob a shock. "Carrie, what's wrong?" he asked her. He stood up and backed off toward the door, in case she needed space.

"I can't tell you," she said. "Not yet."

"Want me to leave?"

"That's the last thing I want," Carrie sniffed.

She opened her arms and he took her in a fierce hug. "Whatever it is, I wish I could help," he said.

"You can. Please just tell me your feelings are for real here."

"Of course they are. What do you mean?"

"You'll see," she said. "Soon enough. Whatever happens, just...I'm feeling it, too, for real. Okay? Do you trust me?"

"Yes, but you're kind of scaring me right now, Carrie."

"I'm sorry," she said. "You'll understand soon, I promise." Either that or I'll discover you're a scum like your roommate, she thought. She was nearly certain he wasn't...but not quite.

"You're sure you don't want to be alone?" he asked.

Then she saw an opportunity to see just how trustworthy he was. "Rob," she said, drying her eyes with the cuffs of her sweater. "Would you be okay staying the night, if we don't...you know, not yet? We just sleep?"

"Sounds heavenly," said Rob. "But I haven't got anything to wear to bed."

Carrie toyed with suggesting they both sleep naked -- he had already seen her in her bra, after all -- but that just seemed to be tempting fate a little too much. "I have a pair of sweats that'll probably fit you, and you've got a t-shirt on under that, haven't you?"

She stepped into her closet to change into her nightgown, and on emerging she saw her sweats did indeed fit him. "Cute," she said, clearing her notes off the bed.

"The feeling is mutual," he said.

Neither of them had shared a bed in quite some time, as they confessed to one another while shifting around to get comfortable. Carrie was slightly surprised to learn Rob had ever done so, as she'd had him pegged as a virgin. That made her wonder if he'd thought the same of her, but by now she was persuaded he didn't care about her past. Right then, neither did she.

"Is it okay where my leg is?" she asked, feeling him getting hard against it.

"If it's okay with you," he said.

"It's beautiful!" She kissed his cheek and, noticing he was fumbling around for a comfortable place to put his arm, she placed his hand on her breast.

"That's beautiful, too!" he said, squeezing gently.

"Couldn't agree more."

There was no awkwardness in the morning, when they kissed goodbye as Carrie went off to the shower, and Rob changed back into yesterday's clothes and went back to his room to change.

He guessed, correctly, that there would be awkwardness there. On trying the door and finding it locked, he hoped for a wonderful moment that Jerrod was already dressed and gone as he got his key out and unlocked it.

No such luck. "It wasn't exactly locked," Jerrod chirped from the corner by his bed, where he was combing the gel into his hair.

"Yes it was."

"Nope," Jerrod said. "You'd have seen if you'd tried it first."

"I did. It was locked."

"Nonsense."

"Is there nothing you won't argue about?"

"I only argue when I'm pretty sure I'm right," Jerrod declared. "Now where were you all night anyway?"

"None of your business," Rob said, stepping behind his desk to undress.

"I've got a right to know!" Jerrod said. "I was worried about you, and it made it harder to study! When you still weren't here at three-something, I was going to call campus security. I just couldn't get up because I was too tired, that's the only reason why I didn't.

"That's right, Jer, it's all about you." Rob pulled his bathrobe on and picked up his shampoo bottle from under his bed.

"Sometimes it is!" Jerrod protested. "I'm under a lot of pressure here, and friends look out for one another!"

Rob only laughed as he opened the door. Thinking of Jerrod's penchant for hiding his things when his back was turned, he grabbed up his keys from the dresser where he'd tossed them.

"What are you taking those for?!" Jerrod whined. "Paranoid, aren't we?"

"You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you." Rob didn't look back as he stepped out into the hallway.

Jerrod was just behind him. "How can you think I'd take your keys?!"

"Because of all the shit you have done."

"Rob, we've got to work past our differences here!"

"You can start by taking responsibility for your own actions, then."

"I feel I have!" Jerrod snapped.

Rob shook his head in disbelief and slammed the bathroom door.

Carrie was feeling defiantly happy, if not exactly comfortable, in biology. She could only guess if Jerrod knew where his roommate had been last night, and figured he wouldn't blame her for avoiding eye-contact with him as she took her seat next to Amy in the front row.

"How's the studying coming along?" Amy whispered to her.

"Great," Carrie said. "Fear is a great motivator!"

"Fear of what?" Amy asked.

But before Carrie could respond, Professor Dundee called the class to attention. "I'm afraid I have an uncomfortable announcement to make," she said, setting her notes down on the podium. "I have reason to believe a copy of this Friday's exam has been stolen. You all don't need me to tell you what a serious breach of the honor code that is. I'm hoping the culprit was just one of the freshmen who thought they were getting a copy of the Bio 101 exam, but I just don't know. I cannot imagine any of you would do this, but if you did, I want you to know I'm not entirely without sympathy. I remember being a stressed-out undergrad who wasn't at all sure of getting into grad school, too. For that reason, I'm willing to make a deal. Come to me before Friday and confess, and I'll give you a zero on the exam but you won't be expelled. If I don't learn who it is by Friday, I will see to it that the guilty party is expelled once he or she is caught. Do I make myself clear?

A chorus of "Yes"s ensued, including one each from Amy and Carrie. Jerrod only nodded, and just barely perceptibly.

"Good," the professor said. "You all know the drill: honesty is not just the best policy in the sciences..."

"It is the only possible policy," they recited in unison. That slogan, credited to a retired professor on the first day of his final semester several years before, appeared on every syllabus in every science course on campus.

"God, what kind of loser would pull a thing like that here?" Jerrod asked. "Who comes here expecting an easy ride?"

"Not everyone is as diligent as you, Jerrod," the professor said with a doting look that made Carrie want to stab someone.

"I guess I should've learned that in high school," Jerrod said.

"No doubt you didn't associate with that type of student there either," Ms. Dundee said. Then, to Carrie's immense relief, she turned her attention to the day's lesson.

As she took notes, Carrie thought of the professor's warning and had a new idea. She could afford to take a hit in this class and still get a decent grade -- what if she deliberately did less than stellar on this exam? Just miss a question or two and aim for a B. It seemed a foolproof plan, but then she thought of her mother again. "You will run into people who will hate you because you're smarter than some of the men out there. Don't ever act dumb for their benefit. That's letting the haters win!" Mom had been in the trenches back in the ERA days, and the stories Carrie had heard...she just couldn't do it.