The End And The Beginning of Me 01

The end and the beginning of me

Who am I?

Good question. But irrelevant. I am a work in progress. So even if I could answer it the reply will change in time.

Who was I? That's a question I can easily answer.

I was nobody.

I was the invisible girl that sits in the corner booth at the local cafe working remotely on her laptop taking a break from time to time watching the people around me and creating my own stories for them. I saw couples that just met, couples who were on the verge of breaking up, friends meeting up for chitchat and young mothers with their babies out for a breath of fresh air and a coffee.

No one saw me. And I liked it that way. Why would they want to look at the drab, grey clad girl with short hair and a laptop that covered most of her expressionless face. I would smile at the barista when ordering my coffee but other than that I just immersed myself in my work and my books. Until that day.

The day he walked in..

I was just about to get my 3rd coffee when I saw him enter and stand in line. There was something about him. Not his looks. They were ok. Just a regular guy. But his manner was different. Aloof and distant but not hidden. He wasn't trying to be invisible like me. He knew he could be the center of attention, he just didn't care.

Sheltered behind my laptop I continued to watch him as he sat down with his order. He took his time, holding on to that cup of coffee in one hand and idly caressing it with the other between sips as if he was making love to it. His mind was elsewhere. Mine was focused on him.

I don't know what came over me but when I saw he was almost ready to leave I packed my laptop and quickly went outside. My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty and my pupils were so dilated it looked like someone turned a searchlight on the world. As he got out I pretended to look for something in my bag and proceeded to follow him from a distance hoping and wishing he wasn't going to get in a car. He didn't. He walked home and I followed.

I didn't know it then but this decision I made without any logical thought would be the end and the beginning of me.

I followed him home and watched as he entered his apartment and turned on the light. I took one last look at his window, memorizing its position and entering it into a mental map I've created and then I quickly left. I was still shocked at what I've done but I couldn't really help it. This man with his magnetic energy just drew me to him and I couldn't resist it even if I wanted to. And besides, what harm could it do? I had no intention except learning more about him.

I couldn't sleep at all that night. I was imagining his hands running over my body, caressing it with the same passion they did to that coffee mug. I kept thinking about his energy. That strong overpowering energy which claimed every available space around him. But there was something more, a look in his eyes which spoke volumes of a darkness so deep and wide that it felt as if he was lost in it.

The next morning I resisted the urge to go and watch him and headed back to my spot at the cafe. In the afternoon he entered again, sat down and made love to his mug just as before. This time his eyes were more alive. Still dark but more alert and less far away. Watching him sitting there, I wished, for the first time in a long while, that I wasn't invisible anymore. I craved to see his gaze dart towards me and linger here if only for a second before fading again into the darkness within him.

As he was ready to go, the same routine followed. Me leaving before him, waiting to see his back and following him to his apartment. I didn't know why I was doing this but somehow walking "with" him felt right. Felt safe. Felt good!

I didn't even try to hide myself, I just walked a few steps behind him lost in my thoughts and emotions. Why should I hide anyway? After all I am the invisible girl.

The same thing happened for the next 3 days. Him drinking his evening coffee. Me "walking" him home then going back to mine. But when Friday came I realized I wouldn't see him for the next two days. And the realization hit me like a punch in the stomach.

I decided that on that evening I would enter the building and stand by his door for a little while. I wanted to smell him, to hear his music. I just wanted to know more about this man that was lost in darkness but was pulling me into the light.