Fractured

I set my fork down, my eyes hot with tears that refused to be shed. "I don't want to live without you," I told her, looking at the table. "I want to live with you. I love you. I wouldn't want to live without you."

Rae was quiet and took a bite of her pancakes. I looked up into her face, into her stony eyes, her hard expression. She looked distant, but there was the undertone of being pleased with herself; a small curl of the lips, a twinkling of the eyes. She had reminded me of my place, all right. My helplessness without her. She loved being my one and only, the reason for my existence, and she liked me to remind her of how I felt about her daily.

"If you don't want me to leave you ought to make me feel more welcome," she said harshly.

"I know. I'm sorry. Sometimes, at night, I don't know what I'm doing."

"I mean in general," she said coldly. "I feel like a stranger towards you. I'm supposed to be the woman you love. Do you love me?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Then show it, okay? Or else I'll leave."

"I will. I promise."

"I'm going to hold you to that. Seriously this time, Kim. It's about fucking time."

* * *

"Let's go to a movie."

"I don't feel like going to a movie today."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, Rae. I just feel like staying in."

"You never want to go out and do things with me anymore."

"I just don't feel like it right now, okay?"

"You just don't feel like doing anything with me."

"Why don't we do something here?"

"Like what, Kim? Suggest something."

"I don't know. We could play a game."

"Okay, let's play 'why doesn't Kim like living with Rae."

"Oh come on."

"No, seriously, why don't you want to do anything with me?"

"I just don't feel like it."

"You never feel like it anymore."

"I just haven't been feeling good lately."

"Neither have I, and I don't see your life being ruined because of it."

"Am I ruining your life?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"You know how."

* * *

Rae's apartment smelled like cinnamon, the scent wafting through my nostrils and putting all of my senses at ease. But even that amount of comfort couldn't compare to the thought of having someone near, the idea that if I needed someone, she was there. Rae was like a blanket that I could wrap around myself, tight, to keep the dangers of the rest of the world away.

My job had moved into the city, the whole office relocating for convenience. It became necessary for me to move, and Rae had instantly invited me to come live with her.

"I need some freedom," I explained, rejecting her offer. "I love you, and I want to be with you. I'm afraid that if we move in together it'll be too fast, too intense, and I don't want to smother our relationship."

"No pressure, Kim. Seriously. You'll have your own room, you'll pay your half of the bills, it'll be just like any roommate situation."

"Except you'll be more than my roommate." I frowned at her enthusiasm. She was so tempting, her elfin good looks and wide dark eyes. She made me want to agree with anything she said, just to see the excitement light her up.

"We can reserve that for later. I told you I'm okay with waiting."

It seemed too perfect to be true, to have found a partner that respected my fears and anxieties. I'd had girlfriends before, and the same bad feelings about intimacy with them. Usually after a couple of attempts they left me standing alone, cold, unhappy. Rae had made moves on me twice, and nearly tempted me both times. But, inevitably, the sickness came, along with the fear, and I had to push her away. Although unhappy with my actions, she seemed understanding.

"If we have any problems I'm going to move out."

"That's fine. I'm willing to bet that we won't have any problems."

"Okay," I said tentatively. "On a trial basis, understood that it's just a trial, I would love to move in with you."

We moved my stuff in the next weekend, and began our life together.

* * *

"What if one day I'm not here anymore?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what if I left you?"

"Please don't say that, Rae."

"Well?"

"I would die."

"You wouldn't really die, though. What would you do?"

"I'd miss you so much."

"So you don't want me to leave?"

"No! I want to be with you forever!"

"I don't know. Forever is a long time."

"Well don't talk like that, please? You scare me."

"I don't know. Sometimes I scare myself."

"I love you, Rae."

"Thank you."

* * *

Rae's temper always left me scared, exhausted, confused. She blew through a room like a tornado, screaming things that didn't even make sense to me. Then she would collapse, a body full of tears and sobs, crying for me to bring meaning to her pain. I never knew what to do; she always caught me by surprise. Sitting next to her, I would draw her into my arms, cradling her like a baby.

"I love you," I whispered into her ear. "I'll never leave you."

She didn't need to answer at that point, just bury herself deeper in my shoulder. Her wet face soaked my shirt; I could feel her hot tears. Twisting thoughts in my mind, twisting feelings in my stomach. How could Rae be so unhappy? I tried so hard to keep her happy. Some days she seemed fine, and then others she would be in my lap again. The problems would arise when I needed to express my feelings, too.

I sat on the couch, head bent, hands in my lap. My whole being seemed miserable, and the worst part was that I couldn't pinpoint why. There seemed to be this dark pit inside me that had swallowed all my good feelings, leaving only an empty shell, something to be despised. The door opened and Rae came in, bouncy and cheerful, one of her good moods for once.

"Hey babe," she greeted, tossing her things on the floor next to the door and plopping down on the couch next to me.

Without looking up I scooted my way over to her, leaning into her small body, laying my head in her lap.

"You okay?" she asked, seeming concerned.

"No," I replied, my voice barely a whisper. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you."

"I know, it's just, I feel bad." I closed my eyes and touched Rae's leg gently with my hand. The contact felt good, like something solid to hang on to.

"Why?"

"I don't know. Please, just hold me." Squeezing my eyes shut I imagined Rae's arms around me, imagined the comfort of her embrace. But instead she pushed me away.

"You can't just feel bad. You have to have a reason. I don't understand why I have to come home and put up with this crap after a bad day at work."

I sat up and looked at her, her little eyebrows bent in a frown that engulfed her whole face.

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling even worse. "I didn't know you had a bad day. What happened?"

"Everything went wrong from the minute I stepped outside. I just feel like shit, you know?" Without warning tears sprang to the corners of her eyes and her bottom lip started to quiver. "Everyone at work hates me. My boss seems to have made it her goal to get me to quit. Sometimes I wish I could quit, but then how would I pay all our bills?"

"Hey, shh, it's okay," I pulled her in, and she rested her head on my shoulder, hot tears wetting the skin of my neck. She lay like a baby in my arms as I rocked her and cooed gently into her voice. Ironic, I thought to myself, that my unhappiness seemed so obsolete. Rae was what mattered, and a voice inside me said that it should make me feel important to be able to comfort the woman I loved. But another voice argued that all I needed was her touch, and she denied it to me. Then the first voice said that I'd been denying her my touch all along, and guilt flooded me as I pulled her smaller body closer to mine.

* * *

The apartment still smelled like cinnamon when Rae got home from work. I put the papers I'd been working on to the side, and got up to greet her with the open arms she loved to see. I held myself open to her, reached out for her, smiled for her, but she shrugged me away.

"Did you make anything for dinner?" she asked coldly, walking towards the kitchen. "I'm starving."

"No," I said, my arms dropping stupidly to my sides. "I didn't think about it. But I will…"

"Don't bother."

I followed into the kitchen and leaned against the doorway, watching as Rae pulled a pot out of the cupboard and filled it with water.

"Pasta sound good to you?"

I nodded in response and she turned on the stove.

"Rae, I'm really sorry about this morning."

"Already forgiven. Can you hand me the salt?" Her voice was flat, toneless, frightening.

"I'm sorry about last night, too."

Rae walked over and grabbed the salt from my hand without making eye contact. I put my arms defenselessly at my side, stomach doing flip-flops from the treatment I was getting.

"Please don't be mad at me," I pleaded. "I'm really sorry."

"You want to leave until I'm done with dinner?"

The backs of my eyes burned with tears that I refused to shed. I choked back unhappiness and stepped towards her, reaching out and putting my hands on her shoulders. Gently I rubbed her, pushing my fingers into the tense knots that always seemed to be there. "Please forgive me," I whispered, bending down and kissing her neck. My lips moved up towards her ear and I gently took her lobe into my mouth, tonguing it softly.

Rae turned around and took me in her arms, pulling her ear away from my lips and finding them with her own. Her hot tongue probed into me, and I let her kiss me, feeling lost about what to do for her. She helped me, though, guiding my hands to her hips, and I gripped her flesh with my fingers. Moaning into my mouth, she stepped backwards, taking me with her into the living room.

Lips only breaking apart for moments, we sat on the couch, Rae pushing me into a sitting position and then crawling into my lap. She straddled me, her skirt moving up her legs as her hands pushed me back, her mouth taking control of mine. I whimpered softly as her insistent fingers moved up my shirt, pulling the fabric up over my breasts, revealing my flesh to the cool room. I felt my nipples tingle and tighten, and squirmed as she took them in her hands.

"Touch me," she demanded, and closing my eyes, I did.

Moving up her smooth leg I tentatively felt her hot body, touching curiously at the crotch of her panties. It was as if heat radiated from that secret place, the place I had never touched before. Panic gripped my insides, twisting my stomach, nausea rising in my body as I moved a finger past the elastic and into her private flesh. The hot liquid of her arousal felt like acid on my fingers, burning me, and while Rae moaned, delighted, into my ear, I choked back another sob.

Something primitive inside me clicked on even as my mind drifted away. I stroked her hot flesh easily, my fingers sliding in her slick warmth to find the small nub of her clitoris. I rubbed it gently, experimentally, even as the bile rose in my throat. I felt sick, but the sounds coming from her throat said I was doing just right.

Fright. Panic. Claustrophobia set in. I couldn't escape, there was no way to move, she was pinning me down just as Jason had pinned me down. Whimpering pitifully I pulled out of her, throwing my head to the side, eyes squeezed tightly shut.

Rae pressed on, one hand squeezing my breast, one hand moving down and unzipping my fly. I felt an overwhelming helplessness as her hand eased inside my panties, touched me the way I had touched her. Her finger seemed like an alien invader as it stroked my dry pussy and pushed through the tight walls into me. I cried out, then, and shook my head. She pushed in further and I bit my lip hard, forcing my mind to shut off.

I don't know what happened then. Her hands took what they wanted from me, putting my hand back into her underwear, and my automatic stroking. I was floating above the scene, watching from behind a window as we stroked each other. I watched as she climaxed around my fingers, her body clenching around my hand as she exploded with pleasure. I was a freak for not feeling the same pleasure. Freak, I said to myself again.

She pulled out from between my legs and kissed me on the cheek, then with a satisfied sigh moved off of my body. She went into the bathroom while I remained on the couch, zipping my pants back up like a zombie and pulling my knees close to my body. Tears began to flow then, I couldn't stop them. Confusion. Distress. Anger. Pain. Freak, I thought.

* * *

Slowly I uncurled myself and rolled out of bed. My new apartment smelled like cinnamon. I closed my eyes and breathed it in, relishing the spicy scent. An image of Rae formed in my mind and I shuddered, opening my eyes again and looking around the rooms. It seemed so empty, so alone. My body felt cold.

Like an automaton I opened the boxes and unpacked my belongings. Dead to emotion, dead to the world. Hatred for myself bubbled inside me. I'd ruined everything I'd ever loved. I deserved to be alone.

Memories flashed through my brain like photographs, like a slide show, like an old film. Rae, Jason, happy times, unhappy times. Memories seemed to be more perfect than realities. Leaving was always so hard, but I couldn't force myself to stay. Escape always seemed to be the only option.

* * *

"You make me feel complete."

"Every time I look at you, I feel like I'm home, like I'm where I belong, like I could never go anywhere else and be happy."

"Every time I look at you, I think I'm so lucky to have you, I'm so lucky to have found you, I'm so lucky every minute we're together."

"When I'm with you I feel safe."

"When I'm with you I feel happy."

"When I'm with you I know I'm happy."

"You're so wonderful."

"You make me feel so good."

"Kiss me."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Forever?"

"Of course. How could it not be forever?"

--

This story has waited a long time to be submitted to Literotica. It seemed like I could never make the changes to be satisfied with the whole. Eventually I've realized that there's nothing more that I can do…it is what it is, and that's just that. I want to thank everyone who helped me edit this story over and over again, all the people I pushed it in front of to scribble their own comments and ideas in the margin, and especially all the people on Literotica, who tossed the story back and forth when I first created it. Thanks, everyone. --Chicklet

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