- Erotic Poetry
- Totem
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The stump of a naked elm
whose bark has fallen,
points headstrong towards the sun.
It looks like a phallus of love.
I wonder how many gnarly rings
there are to be counted inside
as the dawn's resplendent mist
glistens and drips down the stump
from last night's enduring tryst
with a full moon goddess sky.
- COMMENTS
legerdemerover 5 years agoA lovely poem, GM, and lovingly both melancholy and optimistic-quite the feat!
Even before reading Ellen's comments I tripped on 'stump' for, as she suggests, its "anti-phallic" image. Knowing the poet only a little, I might imagine you liked the deprecating image this raised in the reader. Still, I wonder about trimming it here and there. I hope you don't mind my suggestions, just riffs, really:
The naked elm whose bark
has fallen, points headstrong
to the sun, (like) a phallus of love.
I wonder how many gnarly
rings there are inside
as dawn's resplendent mist
glistens and drips down
from last night's enduring tryst
with a full moon goddess sky.
I hope you are faring well this autumn, and may your pen never falter.
~Mer
EllenMoreover 5 years agoBut I stumble a little on the word "stump," which (at least for me) connotes something short and cut off close to the ground -- something almost anti-phallic (see the images displayed when you google "stump"). I thought about suggesting "snag" or "trunk" but the former usually implies limbs (again, google the word's associated images) and the latter would not distinguish between a living, limbed tree and one dead and limbless, which I think is the image you intend to present to the reader. Also, the fact that your main image of the tree (whatever word you use to name it) is of a dead tree fights the theme of virility, I should think.
It's an interesting metaphor you've attempted and I think could be a strong one, but the language doesn't seem quite right yet.
Still, a superior poem. I gave it five stars because it *is* well put-together.
