Love and Lies

I spent the day home alone
After a night out with another man
And I had to get so drunk
To tolerate being with someone
Who wasn’t you
That I made myself sick
Too sick to see you the next day

So she
Had you all
To herself

She called to tell me
She was making “din din”
For the two of you
And she sounded
Absolutely
Fucking
Giddy

She posted a picture
Of your dinner plates
(I could easily tell
what you made
and what she made
so I could easily tell
that you
prepared the meal
together)
And your beer glasses
(The glasses
I had
bought you)
Side-by-side on the table
With the caption
“Saturday date night
With the hubby”
She even included
A smiley face emoji
With heart eyeballs

And the sick I felt
In that moment
Had nothing to do
With my hangover

You texted me
A bit later
To see if i was ok
(I am
never ok
when you are
with her)
And I said
I’m fine
Don’t let me interrupt
Your date night

You immediately sent
A picture
Of your feet up
On your desk
Seemingly to imply
That you were by yourself
And not spending time
With her

But I cannot shake
The feeling
Of knowing
That you are with her
In her house
In her bed

I cannot shake
Knowing
That even though
You have something
With me
You have something
With her
Too

I wonder
Which one of us
You’re lying to
More
Are you pretending
To still love her
So that she will let you
be with me
Or are you pretending
To not love her
So I will let you
Be with her

Sometimes I think
We are both stupid
And she is the one
Pretending with both of us
So she gets
Both a husband
And a wife

(and sometimes
I think
I am stupid
and am lying
to myself)

I wonder if
I should stop pretending
With everyone
And see who chooses who
And see who
Was being lied to
The most

I hope
(But I doubt)
The answer is
Her