for once

the fear grabs me
late at night or
early in the morning
any time that the pain is so blinding,
 that I can not breathe
and then it consumes me.
      
that pain….
like your hands strangling me
killing me…
sucking the very life from me…
    
wondering when the vision will hit again.
why it won’t disappear?
why I can’t make it go away?
lock it up-
behind the heavy doors,
sealed in steal boxes.
    
alone,
I’m alone-
here and there and everywhere.
    
A new state,
a new house…
does not matter inside
my heart…
my soul…
broken
crippled
dead.
    
love…
truth.
is it really?
or will it be like it always is..
    
Stupid
to never have reported
the truth
the pain
the violence
done to me.
  
The past,
always to repeat itself.
why is that?
What is wrong with me?
that I attract those that will hurt me
or that I hurt those that I love…
    
Was my daddy right when he said that
I should have pressed that gun
to my head…
saved him the embarrassment
after the first rape,
taken my life,
given him the peace
he says he deserved.
  
Do I deserve the right to be happy
for once.
to be loved,
 to feel loved…?