Get Yourself Free

She opened her email and found herself wondering what women even did with each other, anyway. She might laugh or something if she saw another woman's vagina up close. It was impossible to imagine touching it.

Except Emily could imagine it. She imagined it all day. She wondered if Carmen's lips between her legs were as plump as the ones on her face, if her clit was as sensitive as her own. She imagined they were, and it was, and then it dawned on her what she was imagining and she nearly screamed.

And then she did it all over again.

*****

Will walked into the bedroom and snorted when he heard the song playing from the speaker. "Is this a message for me or something?"

"Hmm?" she asked, looking up from her phone.

"You're playing "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover". Just wondering if I should be looking for a new apartment." He flashed her a smile and pulled off his pants.

"Oh," Emily said, horrified, "no. Not at all." She rushed to turn the music off.

"Are you trying to get me to like Paul Simon again, then?"

She forced a smile. "I know that's a lost cause."

He looked at her phone. "You writing a song?" He smiled at whatever her face was doing. "You have the notes app open and you were typing something in it. You're easy to read."

"I don't have the music for it yet, but yeah. It's something."

He ran a hand through her hair. "Good. Maybe you'll write a hit and you can get disgustingly rich. You deserve it."

Will was quiet as he got ready for bed and Emily felt a question brewing, no matter how much she tried to ignore it. The thing was Will was truly her best friend, after Julia, and he knew her better than anyone else. She couldn't really talk about Carmen with him, or her sudden gay thoughts, obviously, but she really, really wanted to.

"Have you ever wondered if you were gay?" Emily asked once Will turned out the light and settled into the pillows.

There was a heavy pause. "What?"

"I was reading this thing about people coming out later in life," she lied. "Made me think."

"No, I've never wondered that." He shifted in the bed like he was trying to look at her, but she knew it was too dark for him to see her. Thank God. "Have you?"

"No." She waited a minute. "How about bisexual? Have you ever thought that maybe you were bi?"

Will sighed. "No. I've never been attracted to a guy."

"But you notice them?"

"I mean, I can tell when a guy is good-looking, yeah, but it doesn't do anything for me." He shifted again and turned the lamp on. "Do you, like, think I'm secretly gay or something?"

"No, of course not."

He squinted at her. "Are you sure?"

"Are you sure?" she asked, emphasizing "you".

"Emily."

"I was just curious, that's all. You know how I get."

A corner of his mouth turned up. "I do. So, I'm going to hear a lot about sexuality for the next week, huh?"

"Sure. It'll be good for you."

He shook his head fondly and then reached over to turn the light out again.

She waited for a few minutes after he'd settled. "Will?"

He sighed again. "Yes?"

"Do you ever think about guys' cocks?"

She felt him sit up. "Emily, what the fuck?"

"That would be perfectly natural!"

"Yeah, it would be, if I were gay! What the hell is going on with you lately?"

"I have no idea what you mean."

He turned the light on again and stared at her.

"I just think it's interesting that people sometimes don't come out until they're older. That's all." She played with her hair before she realized what she was doing. Will knew it was her tell, that she did that when she was uncomfortable or nervous about something. She ripped her hands away, but Will had caught it.

"What's this really about, Em?" He laid down beside her and trailed a finger up and down her arm. "You can tell me."

She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. "I don't really know."

She knew he was still looking at her; she could see from the corner of her eye. He patted her arm. "Okay. Tell me when you're ready, okay? Whatever it is, I'll listen."

"I will. Thank you." She forced herself to stop gripping the sheet.

He turned off the light.

"I love you, Will."

He took her hand and squeezed. "I love you, too."

*****

"You're acting really weird."

Emily glanced at her sister. "No, I'm not."

"Yeah, you are. You've said two words to me since I got here. You haven't even noticed."

Emily finished making their tea with a sigh and put the mug down in front of her. "Noticed what?"

Julia lifted her left hand and waved her fingers, drawing attention to the large shiny diamond on her ring finger.

"Oh, wow! Congratulations!" She got up to hug her and properly admire the ring. "This is so exciting."

"About fucking time, right?"

Emily sat back down with a grin. "Did you say that to him?"

"You bet your ass I did."

"Romantic," she laughed.

"Carmen supposedly helped him with the ring. She's such a nice person. My new best friend."

She tried not to react when Carmen's name came up, but she jumped a little and Julia caught her reaction.

"Hmm, okay. I knew something happened when you guys talked at the party. Tell me."

"Nothing happened." Emily drank some tea and tried to act casual, but she knew it was only a matter of time until Julia wore her down. There was no way out of this. Maybe that was a good thing.

"Tell me right now or you can't be my maid of honor."

"I don't want to be your maid of honor."

Julia threw a spoon at her. "Stop it! You know you can't win in a battle of wills against me. I'm fucking determined and ruthless."

"God," Emily groaned. "It's nothing."

"It's obviously not nothing if you're being weird about it almost two weeks later." She drank some tea and glared. "Fucking tell me."

"She's a lesbian."

Julia looked baffled. "Okay, and?"

"I was, uh, kind of attracted to her. Sexually."

A giant grin spread across Julia's face. "I see."

"Shut up."

"My dear sister, are you having a sexual crisis?"

"No. Shut up." Emily gulped some tea down, burning her tongue.

"You are! Oh, God, this is brilliant. You are so unbelievably uptight, I can just imagine what this is doing to your brain."

"Fuck you." Emily wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. "This isn't brilliant. It's a disaster."

"I'm supposed to be seeing Carmen tonight for dinner as a thank you. You're coming. It'll be great!"

"It will not be, and I will not come."

Julia's smile faded and she got a rather ferocious look on her face. "Yes. I'm tired of you being so scared. It's annoying as hell."

"Scared? Are you kidding me?"

"You're scared to be happy." Julia took a steadying breath. "I know songwriting hasn't worked out like you thought it would at this point, but Em, it's not like you are ancient. And even if you were ancient, you could still be successful at it! But you don't even try anymore. When was the last time you even wrote a song? Recorded one? I'm afraid to even ask when you last sang. Music is your life, Emily."

She scoffed. "It didn't work out. Not everything works out, not for everyone, okay? I'm tired of sending demo after demo out. Can we just accept the fact I'm not that good?"

"No, we can't! Because you are. And even if you weren't, it doesn't mean you have to force yourself to do something that's making you so unhappy."

Emily stood and put her cup in the sink. "I don't even know why we're talking about this."

"Because you're doing the same thing with Will. You're cheating yourself out of the chance at happiness because you don't think you deserve it, or you don't know how to be happy, or whatever the hell it is. Maybe you're afraid if you let yourself be happy, you could lose it. And I don't really think Carmen has anything to do with this."

"I didn't realize you'd become a therapist," Emily said sarcastically.

"Oh, what the fuck ever. Languish away. I'm done."

"Good."

"Good."

"I'm not going with you tonight, Julia. I fucking mean it."

"I don't want you there, anyway," Julia snapped back.

*****

Emily sat in the restaurant, entertaining herself by thinking of the various ways she could murder Julia and get away with it. She had seen plenty of true crime documentaries, so she had lots of ideas. Fantasizing about wiping that smug smirk off her sister's face was also keeping her from completely freaking out.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," she muttered.

Julia shrugged. "It's good for you. You also didn't need that much convincing, by the way."

The waiter delivered their drinks to them and told them the specials. Emily wasn't sure she would actually be able to eat anything. She was nervous, which was a little ridiculous. Carmen probably wasn't even attracted to her, and she still didn't know how to break up with Will, so it wasn't like this was a date.

Carmen arrived then, gracefully dropping into the chair across from Emily. She wore a white sundress and her hair was in a braid. She gave her a secret smile. "Hi."

"Hi," Emily whispered.

Julia carried the conversation for a while, talking about some wedding plans she had made. Then she checked her phone and made a noise.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, God, I'm sorry guys, but I have to run."

Emily knew her sister better than anyone. She knew when she was being genuine, and she knew when she was being a little shit. Now, she was being a little shit.

"Why?"

Julia wouldn't meet her eyes and her smile was a bit too bright. "Jeremy is locked out of the apartment. I have to run over."

Emily smiled. "I'm sure he can wait for us to finish. Or better yet, meet us here," she suggested, then kicked her sister under the table. Hard.

Julia flinched a little. "No, he can't. He has plans." She turned to Carmen. "I'm so sorry that I have to go. Let's do this again soon, okay?"

Carmen smiled and looked between the sisters. "Sure."

"Julia, seriously. You should stay. It's rude."

But her sister wasn't listening. She already had gathered her things and started waving her hand back and forth. "Sorry, sorry. Have fun without me!"

Then it was just the two of them and a whole lot of awkwardness. The waiter came back and took their dinner orders, which gave them something to do for a minute. When he went to walk away, Emily had the insane impulse to grab onto his leg and keep him with them.

"So, have you broken up with your boyfriend yet?"

Emily buttered a piece of bread so she wouldn't have to meet Carmen's eyes. "No."

"Then why is she trying to set us up?"

Startled, Emily looked up.

Carmen was grinning and running her finger around the rim of her glass again. Damn it. "Wasn't the most subtle thing I ever saw, to be honest."

Emily rubbed her face and hid behind her hands. "This is so embarrassing."

"I wouldn't call it that."

She sighed and let her hands drop. "What would you call it?"

"Hmm. I'll tell you at the end of the night. Maybe." She drank a little. "I will tell you that I don't usually go on dates with women who are in relationships."

"Are we calling this a date?"

"No," Carmen said, and Emily was a little disappointed. "Like I said, you're in a relationship."

"If I wasn't in a relationship?"

She pursed her lips. "Maybe. Let's talk about something else."

They did. At first, it was uncomfortable, but beyond finding her attractive, Emily found herself just genuinely liking Carmen. She was funny and smart and easy to talk to. She listened when Emily spoke and asked questions.

They talked about sports, movies, gardening, faith, New York, traveling, the afterlife, and, of course, music. They talked so much about so many things that Emily lost track. By the end of the meal, Emily found herself wondering when she'd talked this effortlessly with anyone. The check came and they paid before walking out into the humid evening.

"Want to get a drink somewhere?" Emily asked, wrapping her hair up in a bun.

Carmen watched her for a moment and then her mouth curved into a rueful smile. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Oh." Emily blinked and suddenly felt awkward again. "Right. Okay."

"I'd like to. But, no."

"Okay," she said again.

Carmen hugged her and Emily inhaled the sweet jasmine smell of her. Then she pulled back and seemed to debate saying something. "It's none of my business, but you shouldn't just accept mediocrity. You deserve a whole lot more."

Emily struggled swallowing. "Thank you. So do you."

"If you," Carmen began, looking hesitant and unsure for the first time since Emily met her, "if you find yourself... making a new plan, Stan..." she smiled, cringing a little, "then you should call me. Okay? You can get my number from Julia and call me."

"Okay," she agreed softly. "I'm not sure if I'm bi. You should know that. But if I was, you would be the first person I would want."

Even as she said the words, she kind of wanted to scream. She felt like she knew deep down inside that she was, that this wasn't some phase or passing fancy, but it still felt too large, too uncontrollable. Her identity was set. This would be too revolutionary.

Carmen nodded and hugged her again before turning to walk away.

She watched Carmen leave, and she couldn't shake off the feeling that something important had just slipped through her fingers.

*****

Emily knocked on Jake's office door and waited. He told her to come in and gave her a polite smile.

"Thanks for meeting with me. Sit down."

It was her annual review time, which normally made her an anxious mess, but she had too many other things on her mind. It went the way others had before. Jake found little things to nitpick over, but it was mostly fine. When he paused at the end, she knew she wasn't going to like whatever he had to say.

"Are you happy here, Emily?"

She felt like knocking over his mug of pens and tearing up the pristine sheets of paper in front of him (which she was sure had nothing of importance on them but he kept them on his desk to give the illusion he was busy) and screaming, because why the fuck was everyone obsessed with her level of contentment? What was happiness, anyway? Didn't people say it wasn't a state of being, but a state of mind, or whatever? Were they all happy? Fuck.

She took a breath. "Of course I am."

He shrugged. "I just get the vibe that this doesn't interest you, and quite frankly, I'm reluctant to advance you in the future if I feel like your heart isn't in this."

"Have I done anything to make you feel my heart isn't in this? Anything in my performance?"

"No," he admitted. "It's just a vibe, really. You never smile, never really chat with everyone. Keep to yourself. There's nothing wrong with that, but, like I said. It does give an impression."

"Right," she said, instead of what she really wanted to say.

This had been a job she'd taken out of college. There was nothing wrong with it; it was a stable, well-paying job that didn't demand too much from her. It was supposed to be just something to pay the bills until she became the next Carole King or Taylor Swift. Eight years later, and that hadn't happened yet. Still, she wasn't sure if she could endure another eight years of this.

Jake, sensing she was done, gave her a nod. "Just think about it, okay?"

And she did.

*****

"You like hot dogs."

"I tolerate hot dogs. That's totally different."

Will took some buns out of the package and eyed Emily. "Are you going to ever tell me what's bothering you? Because it's starting to get scary."

"I'm bothered by you making dinner decisions without consulting me first," Emily hissed.

"Right. I have literally never known you to be this invested in dinner before, so I'm going to have to call bullshit on that."

She got a beer from the fridge and took a big drink from it. "Maybe you don't know me."

"Ah," Will said, putting down the buns. "Now we're getting to it. You think I don't know you?"

Emily ripped some of the label off the beer. "Does anyone truly know anyone?"

"Emily."

She peeked at him. "Yes, you know me."

"Of course I do. Which is how I know something is bugging you." He stepped next to her and nudged her. "Whatever it is, I'm still going to love you."

"Even if I murdered someone?"

"Even then."

"What if I broke your Xbox?"

"Still would."

"Hmm." She drank more beer.

He sighed and crossed his arms. "Is this about me?"

"No."

"Because I know things haven't been easy since my mom died and I've been busy and distant. And I'm sorry."

"Jesus, please don't apologize to me." Emily shook her head. "It's nothing to do with you."

He took her hand and looked so earnest that she wanted to die. "You know I'd still love you even if we weren't together anymore, right?"

Emily wasn't sure she heard him correctly. "What?"

"I've been thinking that maybe we're not right for each other anymore, you know? Like, we're great as friends. We always were. But ever since my mom died, I've just been thinking about how short life is and how I don't want to waste it." He saw the expression on her face and hastily added, "Not that being with you is a waste. I just mean... Well, you know."

She tightened her fingers around his. "I do know. It's okay."

He let out a deep breath. "I've been wanting to talk to you about this for ages but I was too afraid. I love you. I don't want to hurt you. And I'm kind of afraid of things changing. I know this sounds terrible, but I like our life. I'm used to our life."

"I know exactly what you mean."

"So, should we break up?"

She winced a little but nodded. "Just sounds like such a painful thing."

"We can call it a conscious uncoupling, if you like."

"Ugh. No thanks."

He laughed. Then it looked like he was reminded of something. "Wait a minute. Is this why you were listening to that Paul Simon song?"

Emily wasn't sure how to answer that. "Kind of?"

"That's kind of cold, Em," he said, but he was laughing again. "Leave it to you to try to break up with me through song."

"I wasn't using it to break up with you." She leaned against him. "I think I'm bisexual."

He stared at her for a minute. Then he nodded and looked away.

"Ah, everything falls into place, finally. I wondered for days why you were asking me if I thought about cocks." He bumped into her arm. "Bisexual, huh? How does Paul Simon fit in, or do I even want to know?"

"I'm not exactly sure. But, maybe." She sighed. "Should I plan to move out? What should we do?"

"We don't have to worry about that right now." He hugged her then, and she remembered why she fell in love with him all those years ago, even if she didn't feel the same way now. "It's going to be okay. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," she said, and she let herself start to believe it.

*****

In the end, they decided to continue to live together for a while until they could find suitable roommates. Neither of them could afford to live alone, and they still enjoyed each other's company.

Julia squealed with happiness when Emily told her they finally broke up. "Want to go out and get fucked up?" she asked.

"I don't need to. I'm not really upset."

"I know," Julia said. "Still sounds like fun."

In the end, Julia persuaded her to go out. After countless shots, Emily decided to come clean.

"I think I'm bisexual."

A few guys on the other side of Julia at the bar swung their heads to look at her, and Emily wondered if she came clean a little too loudly. Julia cackled and smacked her forehead lightly. "Obviously, Em, I thought we went over this."

"I have a crush on Carmen."

"Fuck, who doesn't?"

"I'm serious, Julia. And I think she might like me back. Or, she has the potential to like me back. Or something."

"You should call her," Julia shouted. "Let me get her number."

"It's late. I'm wasted. It's a bad idea."

"Carpe diem, bitch!"

Emily elected to send a text saying that she'd taken Carmen and Paul Simon's advice and wanted to know if she wanted to go on a date. A real date.